apprehension

tonight is my last night with the ipad. =( I've really grown to love this thing over the past two nights.
anyways I got in touch with enrique about writing for lambda today. something I've been saying I was gonna do for ages now. I'm just way to engulfed in other shit. anyways.
also I took my women's studies midterm and I think I did okay on that. don't wanna be too optimistic, that's when you fail.
other than that not much happening.
title relates to how I essentially approach everything in my life. with apprehension.
I'm usually I'm glad I did it afterwards but before that it's like pulling teeth.
oh I also got accepted to the retreat! which is amazing. hopefully nothing else will conflict. looks as if catalyst won't at this point.
looking forward to meeting some new (and get more acquainted with some old) gays and allies. that's on nov. 7.
I'm also gonna apply to be a c.u. counselor. hope I get it. I'm trying to do a lot of small leadership positions this year.
baby steps folks. baby steps.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

late night chit chat

I'm sitting here lying in my bed on the iPad and I can't get the "bluest eye in texas" out of my head. I think it's because I never did finish watching boys don't cry. at any rate I'm also listening to this ambient music and as I was on my tumblr I saw a post by my cousin whom I haven't spoken to in ages nor have I been particulary close too. however, her Facebook profile says she's in an open relationship with another girl and I always wanted to know if it was true. if it is that would be super awesome because to know I have a feminine, successful, queer relatively close family member would be amazing for some reason. I have no idea why but it would. I guess visibility really does matter because I mean it'd be someone to look up to close to me rather than distant celebraties. I may never know but until that day I'll continue hoping she is and secretly admiring her boldness cause personally I have a familial fb and personal fb. the former rarely gets checked and I'm currently at the stage where I no longer care but still it exists. she's awesome is the bottom line. and I honestly hope that maybe one day I'll be able to tell her she affected me positively or maybe she'll even read this and know. at any rate I'm appreciative and it helped me along in the self-acceptance process.

&& that's all folks.
-- lexy.

update

nothing to really say these past few days and the same holds true for today. I mean I could tAlk about the level of marginalization and discrimination on this campus but I prefer to stay happy and that would anger me. I could also talk about how I hate conservatives but we already know that. so I'll leave it at that.

went to a 90s party saturday and it was a lot of fun. a lot of pretty people there as well.

on my name change

my old name carried so much weight with it. it carried a lot of pain and hurt.
my new name I like a lot, it was a thoughtful and inspired. it's also gender neutral. I love it.
and I hope you'll respect that by calling me by that.

I wrote this in passing

people, people everywhere
milling about
and rushing about
while they make quick judgments
and shake their heads assuming things about me in their oakley shades, aldo suedes and ralph lauren sweaters
'cause I'm wearin' no name brand jeans, a yellow t-shirt, and $5 dollar shades that says more about me than they'll ever bother to wanna about me.
looking down on me 'cause I eat generic food and buy shit at thrift store that they'd pay $300 for.
then got the nerve to ask me "why you look like that? are you okay?"
am I okay living in a world where buying designer clothes and eating top notch dinners is more important than trying to get to know someone despite their status?
am I okay living in a world where sometimes the financial pressures get too heavy to bear and my life seems like it's about to tear.
am I okay barely keeping my head above water wondering where my next meal is gonna come from?
am I okay with trying to keep a straight face while you describe your last trip to urban outfitter and how much you spent buying this and that.
I ain't okay and sometimes it gets so hard I'd rather succumb.
and thanks to you one day it'll make me lose my mind
and honestly that'll be divine.

-- Lexy

once again

I'm tired of people coming in and telling me what to think and feel about my life.
I was riding the high of finding out that I'd gotten an A on my paper in communications. I've never gotten an A on anything on unc. it leaves me hope that maybe I am good at something. but then people come in with their "experiences" and sweeping accusations and they never cease to make me feel like less.

your life was rough
you've got the experiences of a grown woman
you've experienced so much hurt and loss
but I have too
and you talk to me as though I want what I've got
as though I'm proud of the things I have to do to get myself outta this slump
I was already sad and down and mad and hurt
that I had to take those things
those mind altering drugs
but I had become okay with it
I was dealing with it
and I should have known it wouldn't last
known my high would be blown by something real fast
and just as I should have know
you come along
with your sweeping generalities and knowledge
putting me down
letting me know that I shouldn't be down
(as if I already didn't know
as if wanted to be)
'cause life was gonna get much harder
and 'cause I wouldn't be able to keep my fixers forever
and I sat quietly recieving your message
feeling as though it was all true
slowly breaking down
and you left
and I cried.
feeling as though I was nothing.
absorbing your words
feeling weak and hurt as I always do
feeling sad because for some reason that's what I always resort to
feeling alone because I have no one to run to
(or don't want to 'cause i don't like getting people down with my troubles)
feeling like shit.
all just like I always do
starting this cycle of self hate and abuse all over again.
and even though I don't understand why (and probably never will)
it's what I always do.
and that's why I need the "fixers".
something to help me find new ways to cope with this hell we call life
so I don't feel so hopeless all the time
but then I remember needing fixers is for the weak and helpless
so now I hate me. . .
once again. . .

-- Lexy

a breath of fresh air

today was pride. I'm still awake. I have yet to go to sleep from yesterday and I had to drink a five hour energy but that's okay 'cause I loved it. it was like a breath of fresh air in it all.
in the heteronormative world we live in where the fight for rights is continual.
where the fight for live is continual.
it was a breath of fresh air to someone like me whose been under the weather for quite some time now.
a burst of energy for those who felt like they had none left.
a canvas for those who thought they weren't creative.
an outlet for those who are scared of what others may think.
a home for those who feel like an interloper everywhere else.
a place for outrageousness.
a place where everyone is loved.
a place where I felt at home.

pride was amazing, it was my first one but it was so great to see so many people out and people bought out their children and babies too. that was encouraging.
it was great to see that streets got blocked off and police escorts were provided for our day of celebration too. it was great to see so many people so jovial. everything was so amazing.
there were plenty of flaws in sight but the amazingness swallowed them whole and I will always cherish this day no matter what.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

and so it still exists

this university every year never ceases to show me that racism still exists.
this girl indirectly told me she was racist last night on the p2p and that it was intrinsic, she couldn't help it. I never knew ignorance and hatred came natural.
anyways I've never felt so marginalized but in my tiredness I couldn't respond. couldn't lash back. for you see I had only had 2 hours of sleep the night before and it was then 11 p.m. I was beat. she caught me on the right day and good for me I suppose because any other day I would have slapped her ass.
so for those of you who question whether race is still relevant just look to me to let you know.
on a happier note today was payday and I can finally stop feeling so shitty about my bank account.
I live a true paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. some would say but not really 'cause you've got your parents but not me. they live one too. we aren't that well off. so I depend on others and that's a blow to the psyche. it sucks.
I haven't got much to say though. just that it was an okay day today. life seems like it can be okay. like I can breathe a little more.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

when will it end?

it's been "three" days since I've posted and I apologize. I've been trying to update every other day but sometimes it's really hard with my busy life especially since I like to post very thought provoking, heartfelt blogs.

today I read "a very hungry girl" by jessica weiner, yet another book for women's studies. it was depressing at first but then she actually gave us solutions at the end. she makes it seems like the tunnel actually has a light at the end. I still feel crappy though and often times I feel as though life has defeated me, like I want to throw up that white flag of surrender but my friends won't let me. mainly haley and trinh. so I would like to give a very special thanks to them. continuing though I'm supposed to be going back to cws this morning but I'm really apprehensive and sort of ashamed. . .why you may ask, that is because I did this same thing last year. I feel ashamed that I'm needing this help again, that I've let myself slip so far off the bandwagon. it hurts and it sucks. now that I'm writing this I kind of don't even want to be talking about it at all especially not with the internet but I've learned that if we share our stories we can prevent someone else from experiencing our immense pain.

I don't exactly know how to explain it except mood swings but generally at one moment I can be happy, okay, ambitious, ready to tackle the world and literally moments later I'm full of rage, hate and anger and once that phase passes I swiftly move into sadness. it usually lasts much longer than the other phases, ranging from hours to days. a sadness that is filled with despair and hate of my very being, every single thing that makes up me. eventually that hate builds up to intense suicidal thoughts and impulses in which I am on the verge of throwing myself into traffic or jumping from a tall building (both of which are highly accessible on unc's campus). my friends though knowing how close I am to losing my sanity are constantly looking out, watching and stopping me. they stop me but it doesn't stop the intensity of the feelings. the only thing that does that is sleep or music but sleep is highly elusive since my mind is usually racing with thoughts making music the default. it only quells the feelings and thoughts though, nothing completely gets rid of them. in this stage I'm usually very antisocial and mean. I hate it, I push my friends away and isolate myself exactly what I don't want nor need. I have no idea where this came from and why it's so intense this semester. sometimes I think it's this campus, I don't know. the pretentious bitches who walk around making us all feel bad about ourselves.

it's like here I am nothing. I have nothing. no special talents, no extraordinary writing ability, no physical beauty, no charisma, no academic success or anything. I am average, if that. it's hard to feel special here, especially for me. I feel constantly marginalized by other people. I am fat, I am ugly, I am undesirable. I feel these things on a daily basis and no matter how many times I confide in my dad he comes at it with a firm hand rather than understanding and in the end it just makes it all worse and makes the self loathing stronger. I have no assets, I have nothing to offer this world is what I constantly feel like and I don't know how much longer my mind can withstand such a beating. . .

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

My Thoughts May Just Be The Death of Me

last night I was up far too late as usual because I took a nap earlier and I was thinking about the phone conversation I had with my dad earlier that day. I called him to catch up because it had been far too long since we'd had a conversation of substance. at any rate we were chatting and what not and I was talking about the triangle pride parade this coming weekend except I didn't say that. I just said "yea there's a parade this weekend so I don't think you all should come up." my dad's always been the nosey/inquisitive type so he asked if there was a holiday this weekend and I was like "yes, sort of. I mean", exactly like that. the next thing he said was "are you in a place where you don't feel safe talking about it?" I thought, wtf? no. if anything the people here all rush to the gay pride but to him I simply said "no, it's the triangle pride parade." pause. it's not as if my parents don't know, I mean they do it's just that the conversation is always awkward and I would just prefer not to talk about it with them plain and simple so whenever I do gay things I just say it and move on or don't bother telling them. resume. he then says "well you know we're okay with your choice. . ." I really don't remember much of what he said after that because I was so irked by that comment that I was off the phone within a minute later. the one thing I really pushed to them about my sexuality was that it was not something I chose, it just was. and he says that all the time, every single time he brings it up and it's quite annoying. it's disrespectful and honestly it leads me to believe he is not really okay with it, he's just saying that to say it. I was so irritated by the conversation I didn't even think about the fact that he said my family wouldn't be home for my birthday even though I would (another blow to the face). I was supposed to call my mom and nana after that but I just couldn't because I was so agitated.

it was later while I was thinking that it would be a lot easier than people think for me to become estranged from the majority of my family just because of their silly opinions, sexist attitudes and ridiculousness. I love them and they helped me a lot while growing up but they also hindered me and hurt me too. and continue to do it even when I inform them, making them better informed people! that means they make conscientious decisions to further hurt me and say mean things and honestly I don't want to be associated with such nonsense. I don't hate them, I never could but I strongly dislike their actions and the opinions they display sometimes. so until I see a change. I won't be putting myself in harms. *shrugs*

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Why I'm No longer Eating at Thanksgiving

at t-giving I'll no longer be participating in the talk around the dinner table, chowing down on baked ham, dressing and cranberry sauce or taking that after dinner nap.

why you may ask. well it's simple: blatant sexism. the men in my family believe heavily in gender roles and I refuse to take a part in the laziness they exude every year at thanksgiving. every year the women slave in the kitchen the night before and day of cooking all those dishes and making sure everything is perfect. and every year the women serve the men their dinners and every year the men eat their food, pat their stomachs, yawn, get up and push away from the table to go lie on the couch and watch football or smoke or whatever. and what do the women do after they've slaved over the stove, served them, and eaten themselves? they then proceed to march back in the kitchen and wash scores of dishes. the huge pots all the food was in, the plates we ate off, and the silverware we ate with. it's utterly ridiculous and I REFUSE to participate in it anymore. if I don't eat, I don't have to take a part in that cleanup madness. don't the men think that the women are perhaps a little tired after two days of cooking? or do they just not care at all? I honestly believe it's the latter. I constantly bring it up and they either laugh or brush me off as just a rebellious teenager.
well no more will I be laughed at or brushed off.

will it suck to smell all that delicious food and know that I am not allowing myself to partake in it? yes it will but it can and will be done. these men need to learn I am nobody's servant and just like I have two hands to wash a dish, so do you. so you can shove your chauvinistic, sexist, bigoted point of view up your ass for all I care. and the women are just as guilty because they LET their men get away with it and what do they do while they let them get away with it? they complain! ha! I will no longer listen to the complaints and I will no longer watch those fellows sit idly by. I will take matters into my own hands and prove a point because at this thanksgiving I won't be eating.

besides who needs all that fattening food in one day anyway?

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

Lovely Carolina

majority of the time when I walk around this school, if I'm being honest, I strongly dislike. the people are pretentious, judgmental and rude if your not in the upper crust of society. other than that people are just straight up rude, walking into you, stepping on you, pushing you and taking whatever liberties they want never expecting and lashing back or repercussions.

secondly the faculty and staff here value athletics above everything else. consistently year, after year the school sees growth in enrollment, an overstuffed lenoir, shortage of beds and the likes. yet the first project they decide to tackle on campus is the fact that kenan stadium needs more box/club/whatever seats. and on game days students get their spots (which they paid $300) preempted JUST so some drunken alumni can go to the fucking game. fuck them, what about my damn car? and don't encourage me to take my car home because you never know where someone lives, what will they do with their car? I especially hate how crowded it gets, how bold bitches get, and how they push you out of the way. athletes get that special training and tutoring (which has now come under fire) to make sure they pass they classes whereas me? I'm just a number at this stupid ass school. people don't know my name and never will. I hate how in america athletes are shoved above everything else just because the benefits of education don't immediately become evident.

honestly I spend more time wishing I had went to a different school more than anyone should and if I could do it all again with this knowledge I would. transfer you say? never that because the overbearing, over-the-top, unnecessary academics keep my gpa just shitty enough to only to be able to stay here. at any rate this ol' lovely carolina is where I call home. =\

-- Lexy

In the End, it All Stays the Same

I realized the other day as I was in a state. in a state of what you may ask and I wish I could tell you but I don't know what the state is. maybe it's sleepiness and subconscious fears or maybe it was just me zoning out, at any rate it's the same state I'm in now. one in which the screen is blurring as I type and my mind is numb. none of this is the point. the point is that I realized people can claim not to be superficial all the want but in the end they are. I realize how hard it will be for me with all my flaws and what not to ever get someone to look at me past friendship. people love the "normal" views on beauty with the size 0 waistline, model walk and conformative attitude. it works for most no matter how "different" they claim they are. day in and day out I meet new people and all of the virtually that same in that attitude. it's actually quite ashame and it makes me sad but some of the burden is my own to bear. with my negative views on myself and rude mannerisms to cover up said negative views. I look around and then I look at myself realizing that I'm in a harsh cycle in which I'm constantly valued lower in society than the average person. it worries me. it makes me wonder, will all our work and our pushes toward equality ever be worth it? will it ever come to fruition? I doubt so people like me will continue to suffer while the beautiful people with terrible personalities continue to win. =\

-- Lexy

the lives we live

as I read for women's studies tonight I realized that dorothy allison is overwhelming right. it's the first time I've cried about my life since last semester when I got my shit together. it is now that I realize like her there is so much in my life that I have worked to forget and cover up. only because it is scary to think about them and you wonder what your life would be like if you were to allow yourself to fully get over them and not let them affect you now. honestly though can that even happen seeing as how your experiences shape you? at any rate the overwhelming experiences that I had in middle school all came flooding back to me. sure I talk about them but I talk about them from a disassociated stance as though it happened to someone else. so as I was reading I thought  about the extensive bullying I experienced from everyone around me including my close family. I thought about the number of times I was used and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I thought about the times my mother ignored me and tossed me aside for her sister and I thought about the time my grandmother decided I wasn't important enough to visit in the hospital. I thought about the fact that I was coming into my sexuality but instead of embracing it I hid it, picked at others whom I thought to be queer and became deeply christian. I thought about the conditions I lived in and how hard my father worked to change it all for me. I love him for it but it just honestly wasn't enough. and I thought about how the culmination of all of this led to a very long drawn out case of severe clinical depression and how it led me to contemplate suicide constantly. the reading struck a cord in me. I never thought I would have to experience those things again. what's funny is that I've come to terms with things such as being gay/genderqueer/queer/whatever I'm currently identifying as and all the stigmata that comes along with it. that I've come to find a home in that community more than I ever has as a woman or a black person. the queer community will probably always be my home too because the social anxiety I experience around both black people and large amounts of women are both overwhelming. however, I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened to me back then and maybe that's an immature me saying that but to get over those things would cause me to admit things I've never admitted to anyone and to examine a part of my life I'd rather leave buried. and it may seem that by writing this blog I'm not doing that but I've discussed nothing in depth nor do I intend to and I've still not said many of the shameful and hurtful things that happened. my point is that I love my family from a distance now and it left me yearning for attention. it left me with a vulnerability that I hate. it left me with poor coping habits and little trust for any human being. it left me with a fear of rejection. it left me with battered emotions and a flaming temper. it left me with only negative effects. many say that experiences are needed for character but I'd rather not build my character that way. I'd rather no child build their character that way. no child should ever experience that amount of dispair and loneliness or that much hatred for ones self. I am understanding today in part because of it but mostly because I would never want anyone to feel the amount of intolerance I've felt.

&& that's all.
- lexy

from the ashes we'll always rise

a post only for our eyes.
new yorkers.
those of us who watched the buildings fall.
those of us who watched the smoke billow.
those of us who cried when we realized loved ones were inside.
the relief we felt when we realized they were late,
the empathy we felt when we realized there were others we knew who didn't make it.
to the firefighters lost,
to the policeman lost,
to the ems workers lost,
we appreciate it.
and though the tragedy still strikes us
and even makes us hate those who don't deserve it
we made it and we're trying to be better people.
to those who watched and sat in horror with no connection to the terror
we know it hurt you too.
so thank you for reaching out to us new yorkers.
though all these years later peoples memories start to fade
my memory will never let me forget
and I don't want to forget
'cause a history forgotten
is surely one to be repeated. . .

this is not a poem, it is a free flow of my thoughts on 9/11 as a new yorker. my solitude and love go out to those who lost on 9/11. and also to those on flight 93 and in the pentagon.
good night. ='(

&& that's all.
-- lexy

mirror, mirror

She looks into me while dabbing her makeup
Twirling ‘round and ‘round with me in hand
Asking how I’ve been
It’s not been that long since I’ve last seen her
Since only this morning she’d been off to work
Asking me what I thought of her
If I had a mouth I’d have told her
You look the same as any other day
Young and lonely,
Eyes drooping still
From the one you’d lost all that time ago
He too was fair-skinned and young,
You two looking just like you belonged.
But just as I reminisce I realize it is not good to yearn
For when you dwell on the past it’s hard to move on--
My young companion if only I could do something
That’d make you learn.


-lexy

life is back in session

my summer was pretty much a pause from real structured life with my only routines coming from going to time out youth on mondays. at any rate now that school is back in session and I'm falling into a daily/weekly schedule it feels like my life is back in session and the days of simply lounging around and wasting time are gone. and that's okay, I like that because then I don't feel like I'm wasting away.

anyways I know it's been quite some time since I lasted posted but I'm going to skip the inaugural post and jump right into my topic of the day: being leftist. for many reasons I enjoy being a radical, I won't even say liberal because I'm way past that. however, I know that the left can mean a lot of things and is generally considered to be the best when it comes to any kind of gay, environmental or social issues. this is always not the case though and I would like to distinguish myself from any kind of "leftist" who is really moderate but finds themselves a little more left leaning because of social issues. I'm conservative in only one way and that's gun control but even on that issue I'm more left leaning than right. in my book to be a true liberal you need to be all about gay rights and equality. either make gay marriage okay or rid the system of marriages and practice civil unions. I'm personally more in favor of the latter than the former but either would be huge step. I also believe in trans rights and not at the expense of anyone elses.

as far as economics is concerned I feel like we need to even out the playing field, tax cuts for the rich need to be completely done away with, we need bigger gov't to provide more social programs which will further level the playing field. we also need to crack the whip on big business and stop letting it from political america and those the entire country. perhaps I am more social than I thought. additionally we need to make college more accessible and this can be done with more social programs.

as far as environmental issues are concerned we need to crack down on lazy ass people and make it so that everyone will be all for environmentally friendly things. we need to promote sustainability, make it easier to access sustainable/compostable products, etc. clean energy needs to be pushed even harder than it is now and we need to stop letting big business control our futures.

I could go on for hours but my main reason for posting this broad overview is because I'm tired of people getting moderates confused with the true liberals and radicals. don't call yourself a liberal unless you've liberated your mind from the benefits of the life some of us live and opened up your eyes to see how you can change our country, for the better.

&& that's all.
-- lexy

People From the Past Usually Mean the Most

so as we all know my current girlfriend is my previous one (and in fact my only one) and before it was just so hard being in a relationship with her. we were both immature and we both had many psychological issues (depression, etc) and these days I can't even fathom how we made it and I can't fathom how the damaging things we said to one another has affected our relationship today.

what I do know is that tonight as I kissed her goodbye after seeing the movie "knight and day" (which was decent, very cute) I know that I love her. and it may seem fast 'cause it'll only be a month as of this saturday but I have a history with this girl and even before when I broke up with her I still loved her. I mean I told her I was over her and that I no longer loved her but that was always a lie. I always had lingering feelings and always loved her, I just didn't realize what an amazing individual I had. I was out to prove to myself that someone else could do it better when clearly she was the one then (and now). I've come to believe that some of us are lucky enough to get it right on the first try. =]

this is not to say that I don't constantly worry about whether we'll make it, especially when I go back to unc but I feel like we can do it. it'll be hard but we can. so I may not be able to predict the future but I can work hard now to ensure the things and people I want in my future are there.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

With Sins So Numerous No One Can Judge Me

in conjunction with my last post I'd thought I'd make a post on where I'm currently at religiously. I mean my beliefs change quite frequently and mostly 'cause of my laziness. I mean I've been meaning to try buddhism and honestly I believe that eventually when I settle on one it'll be on one of my own creation that combines the tenants and practices of many (or all) major religions in the world. 

at any rate I feel as though with all the things that happen in the world and with the unreliability of humans christianity is a religion based on some lies and fabrications and with all it's contradictions I just can't dig it. divine things can't really be explained or be logical but they shouldn't be downright confusing or contradictory either. anyways overall I do believe that there is a god and I believe it's a just a divine figure, a spirit, not of either gender. I believe that this god does not interfere with the orders of the universe. god doesn't have a plan for us, we make our own plans and this god loves us for how we are and for our intentions. if we do good and do not intend to harm people or hurt them then we receive good things in our life here on our earth (sounds a lot like karma) and I believe the ultimate goal is to reach an internal peace before we die so that our souls can rest easy. I do believe that the afterlife is a peaceful place where those same good intentioned people go to and the evil people are sentenced to having an uneasy soul. it's as simple as that. god does not request you worship it or treat it like it needs worldly things to be satisfied with you. it is satisfied simply to see people living and breathing. currently this is a very preliminary explanation of my beliefs. take it for what you will and call me blasphemous if you must but this seems a lot more plausible in my opinion.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy

In Examining My Past One Will Find Many Clues

while I was in the car today I sat thinking about a conversation I had with my mother years ago when I was around 11 years old while riding around upstate new york. I remember the conversation so vividly 'cause I was a curious child with numerous questions about my own identity. I had just recently heard (on the radio) about an individual who went through gender reassignment surgery and I wasn't grappling the religious aspect of the situation. I mean I understood why someone would want the surgery because often times I felt like a little boy and a little out of place but I was always told that god didn't make mistakes and people were insane to think they knew better than him.

of course being a young child I turned to my parents, specifically my mother, for advice. I remember word-for-word asking her "mommy what happens to those people?" and she responded to me with "those people are abominations to god and they won't be accepted into heaven." or something very similar to that. pause. I bet you all thought I was gonna say [that she said] something cute or reassuring. resume. I paused for a while and said "ohh" and turned away from her to look out the window. I sat with this information and it was then that I told myself that I would never be mean to those people or do things to hurt them. I mean how could since they were already destined for hell? what's worse is that for a questioning child that was very damaging to my self acceptance process (which as we all did not come until MUCH later and still hasn't been fully realized). I kept that conversation in the back of my head for years. I mean I've come to believe it was a very defining moment in my childhood because on that day something in me died, a little bit of my childhood innocence and hope left me.

I can also recall remembering that very conversation one day while I was in s.c. living with my grandmother while thinking about my sexuality a few years later. it's difficult to say whether or not it had a large influence on the repression of my sexuality but I'm willing to bet it did. and in some odd way I think this conversation could have been the beginning of my true questioning and doubting of religion. even though as far as I can remember I was never that religious, I was always very "whatever" but that may be attributed to the fact that I was a child. it's ironic that the most religious time in my life was only because I was trying to repress my sexuality and not because I actually believed in christianity and it's tenants. I simply wanted to change 'cause I thought I was morally wrong. I have to admit though the bible is a very compelling story. the writers ought to be given the newberry prize or something. anyways the point is that sometimes people don't realize the things the say to their young ones can outlast any other lessons they may teach and negatively affect their psyche. parents choose your words carefully.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy

Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Untitled #8

amongst all the uncertainty and instability somewhere I am there
under the debris of life I am alive
why I cannot exist in the light of day is beyond me
I am perfectly human-- flawed beyond belief
and in order to find me you must look past all the casualties that have made me,
you must dig deep to find me,
let the glass of the word cut you
and somehow, you will encounter a girl who is perfectly scarred , hurt, loved, cared for and wanted impatiently waiting for someone to find me.
I wonder: who will I owe my thanks to?
'cause in a perfect word it'd be me but it's a reality that sometimes we need someone else to show us our worth
to show us what we're made of.
and with that said I realize who I owe my thanks to.
you helped me rediscover myself,
to push away the debris and move more freely than before
ready to try again and maybe even fall again.

Time Left Me in the Dust Long Ago

yes that's right. time is dusting me and I'm not even sad about it 'cause I like living in the achievements of yesteryear. it keeps me happy since thinking about tomorrow and my fast approaching future is scary and too uncertain for my tastes.

at any rate that's not what I came to blog about, I wanted to say that I'm strangely optimistic and looking forward as to what's to come in my life. I wish people would stop telling me that the things I'm thinking about majoring in is unprofitable and silly in these economic times 'cause my happiness outweighs nearly everything else in my life at this point.

so many things I wanna do in my life, so many places I wanna travel. so afraid I won't get there. okay I've completely lost sight as to what I'm supposed to blogging about. perhaps I'll come back later or tomorrow and figure it out.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

I'm Pretty Much Done For

the title describes it best.
my summer is pretty much done for.
I've spent all but $30 in my savings account, my parents are broke, I can't find a job to save my life and I've exhausted all resources.
right about now I just wish I could win the lottery, like for real. 'cause I'm just so tired of being the number one worry in my life.
at any rate my summer is pretty much done for, I won't be able to afford to do any of the things I wanna do like go to the beach with my gf or go to high point or go to new york or even something as simple as eating out.
smh. why oh why does it have to be this way? why does it always have to be a struggle?
anyways I guess I'll stop complaining and be happy I'm alive.
happy I have a computer to blog from.
happy I have a gf, good health and loving parents.
and in the meanwhile I'll try to forget my money woes. -sigh-

I'm About Whatever

so another drake inspired title. haha.

anyways I realized as I was listening to that song that it definitely fits my life philosophy these days 'cause I'm just living life and truly enjoying it for what it's worth.
I mean before I graduated high school I was all about the future, planning for it and saving for it. but when I got to college and nothing went right err as I planned, I just decided that planning wasn't for me anymore 'cause it just doesn't work. I got sick multiple times and I struggles internally with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. and while I was sick I realized I may die tomorrow and nothing, especially money, stays. eventually everything goes and we have to take life as it comes. for instance I spent almost all of my money and admittedly some of it was "unwise" but I had fun while doing it and even if I had it now I'd still be having fun with it so what the hell, you know.

I also had this very linear and planned view on relationships and significant others but now I realize I just have to take them as they come and do my best to sustain them. it's the same with life problems too, I'll just handle them when they come. however, I won't lie sometimes I worry about the future and struggle with figuring out "life's plan" but that's when I remember there isn't one and I'm creating my own path. and even though it's in direct contrast with what's ingrained in me I remember that all habits and philosophies can change and that I just gotta be patient.

my philosophy even extends to me judging people based on their education (or lack thereof). I mean last year this time I was just so judgmental when it came to education. I can vividly remember harshly judging people who didn't graduate on time even if they would get their diploma over the summer. and I remember thinking that college was this perfect little world everyone could survive in-- that it was thee only option for everyone however, I now know that not to be true. (hell, it almost isn't for me!) so as long as you're happy with yourself and you ain't bumming it and you're actually trying to get somewhere [legally] then imma about it. 'cause there are PLENTY of ways to be educated without having a degree, matter-of-fact I'll even go so far as to say formal education kills the imagine and all that's smart and natural in us. it dulls us and creates robots ready to be little corporate robots. but I digress, that's another subject in it's entirety.

overall I guess I'm just trying to say I know I've made a lot of progress as a human and I'm glad to have done it 'cause I've become a better, more accepting one.
so I'm about whatever. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

"Things have been too crazy and hectic, I should've gotten back by now"

the title is a line from karoake by drake. great song.

anyways it's been 10 days since I've blogged and some things have changed since then.
I'm no longer single.
but I think that's it. lol.
I'm still broke as ever and searching for a job. it's quite hot outside, too hot to move actually. I mainly go out in the evening.
not much to say though. I'll come back a little later.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

Barriers

tonight I went to t.o.y. and the discussion was about "coming out" and I realize that I kind of think it was pointless now since my parents never discuss it or talk about it or mention it. like my parents didn't even acknowledge that it's lgbtq month, they don't ask about my social life or anything. and maybe they don't wanna seem like they're prying or maybe they want me to initiate the conversation. whatever it is I just wish they would ask a little more, be a little more caring in that sense. like I understand that I'm an adult and I'm supposed to come to you but it would be nice if every once and a while they asked me a few questions. and I'm not saying I want to talk about it everyday either but it's been a month and we've talked about it once for like 30 minutes. to be honest as supportive as they say they are I feel rather uncomfortable even talking about anything remotely gay with them and it's like they don't wanna comment on anything either. I feel like instead of opening up the communication it actually cut it off and sometimes I wonder if they even wanna know about my social or romantic life. I mean honestly at this point I've resigned to not telling them about either (as if there's anything to say about my romantic life anyways *rolls eyes*) just to spare them the discomfort the whole thing may cause. I mean I know they need time to adjust and what not but I'm their child just like before and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I don't wanna have to wait and I just want us to be open like we were before. . . *sigh*

sometimes it's just so hard to understand why my parents just can't communicate with me about the subject or why my mom has to be contradictory about the issue or why my dad thinks it's a choice. I mean my mom will say "lifestyle choice" but then tell me that she doesn't think it's a choice and my dad says things like "your situation", "your lifestyle", etc which irk the shit out of me. I think it's because I haven't heard the word lesbian or gay come out of either of their mouthes to describe me. I'm not asking you shout it to the world but I'm asking when you talk about it instead of struggling for phrases that are probably offensive or inappropriate just use those words instead. overall I'm grateful though because it could have been a lot worse and I'm fortunate in this case.  however, things could be better and most of all I just wish I didn't feel like I was walking around on eggshells everyday and that we were in two totally different worlds. 

which brings me to another point: when I'm in charlotte I must admit that I may go overboard on the gay events 'cause my world here is very heterosexual and I feel that in order to connect with lgbtq's I have to go to lgbtq events whereas in chapel hill the likelihood of running across one randomly is a lot higher. either way my lgbtq life could use a pick me up in charlotte.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

The Way We Communicate & it's Relation to Culture

any post I've made lately has been short and not very informative. haven't really felt like writing honestly. anyways it struck me yesterday as I was riding in the car back to the train station that there are fundamental differences in the black community no matter how much alike we are to caucasian folks. and that's not to say that I'm racist or don't believe in friendships between the two 'cause that's certainly NOT what I'm saying.) anyways I noticed this because I was having a discussion with someone and they told me I was getting aggressive and worked up over nothing but the issue is that I didn't see it as being aggressive at all. I saw it as stating a point. it made me realize that white people really are just a lot more sensitive than black people.

I say this mostly from my own experience but I've had both white people and black people agree on this with me as well. and to be even more clear white people are more sensitive than minorities in general (minority races that is). I say this because many times caucasians are offended by simple statements that in the black community most people would laugh at or let roll off their backs. I would use examples but for some reason I don't think it would be appropriate. I'm trying to be as candid as possible without being offensive or rude. at any rate many times I've been told I'm abrasive, rude, a dick, etc. just because I say the truth at all times. it's just what you do in the black household. there is no sugarcoating or covering up. if you look a mess, you look a mess or if you're nasty, you're nasty. no one spares your feelings and maybe some people feel this is bad for kids or whatever but it has made my skin tougher and allowed me to be able to ignore a lot of things that hurt my white friends. like if someone tells me I'm a bitch. I'm not going to get offended or mad I'm going to be like okay and?. lol. I mean it's the truth though and it's like that for most of my black friends though. the culture difference rears it head in communication differences and it's a constant struggle for me to remember that sometimes in chats with my other friends 'cause I'm just not used to sparing feelings and switching up language.

so remember next time you want to fault me for the way I communicate and being honest when you wanted to hear a lie remember that that's not how I grew up and what you consider aggressive I consider normal b/c in my household that's the only way to be heard. anyways I just wanted to give that food for thought folks.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Our Own Month

june was declared lgbtq month by obama and I think that's wonderful. I kind of think it's memorable since june was the month of the stonewall riots but some would say october might be more appropriate since coming out day is that month. either way I'm happy and grateful. we've got a month like the blacks, asians, women, and any other minority. as small of a thing as this is I'm happy about it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

The Aftermath

so my family reunion was this past weekend and I had an excellent time. amy came to join me and that turned out well. I have to admit I was very apprehensive but it turned out well and despite the heavy rains time with family outweighed any negatives.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy

Wicked and Interstella 5555

today my besty, his parents, and I went to see wicked, the play about the wicked witch of the west, and let me tell you it was excellent! I absolutely loved it, I will now watch the wizard of oz in a whole new light because if this story is true then really the wicked witch wasn't really wicked at all. she was just labeled as so for her green skin and because her good deeds always ended horribly. but I shant tell you too much 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for anyone. just know it was wonderful and I'm very grateful to have received the chance to go because I've been wanting to for a very long time. =D

on another note I just got done watching interstella 5555 again (I've seen it in the past) and it's just a beautiful as I remembered it and as always it was a tear jerker. I love how dp layed their tracks to the animation and I believe the story was wonderful even with the absence of dialogue. the end is always so cute with the cute looking dolls. anyways my favorite part has to be the part when the little kids paint themselves blue outside of the hospital and wave to the "crescendolls". I just think the movie overall has a lot of emotion to it and it's just another reason to love dp if you don't love them already. honestly though this movie boosted me out of a sad place because of some events that occurred this evening so I'm glad to have watched it and been able to find some ground again. it's also very inspiring, helped my ass to get on here and blog 'cause I wasn't going to. 

which reminds me I'm back on the meds 'cause me managing my emotions was not working out right. like I want to so badly but uh I could easily find myself slipping away into that abyss and I really don't think I could handle that again so after a 2 week lapse I'm back on them. trying to think of more things to say but I'm coming up empty so that's all for now folks.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

Such a Big Ego

one of the most complex things about the human race would have to be pride and egos because while they may seem nice and simple on the outside they are complex things that can turn a simple, logical issue into a much more complex one.

the issue with the human mind is that we like for things to be black and white but at the same time we would like for people's understanding and sometimes their help. that is when our pride and our egos aren't getting in the way of receiving much needed help. so to a certain degree I feel we shouldn't even have egos. there have been several times in which had a received help much sooner the situation would not have been abysmal. hell there have been times where I didn't seek out help at all and those situations ended horribly. see the issue was that my pride/ego (which I find to be so intertwined you could never separate the two) got in my way of asking for help. my ego has even caused me to belittle others and hurt their feelings. the ego is capable of much. this is not to say that you have no control over your thoughts and yourself because that is not true at all, you very much so have control of yourself but I am saying that egos often consume people that are caring and compassionate. it's like the individual knows that they need help but can't push their ego aside to ask for it, so as not to seem weak. on the other end it's like the person uses their large ego and supposed superiority to compensate for themselves in another area and put down others who may not be as strong in that area. it's easy to explain, impossible to fix.

I'd like for them to disappear all together 'cause then people could get on as a whole better but they won't so until then I suggest we all learn to cope a little more and take a tiny step back when we realize ourselves getting sucked into our egos. but wait, this is assuming that the whole ego thing is rational, which it isn't so yea.

Everything is Intertwined

I've been trying to think of something to post for a few days now and I've had some topics lined up but I just hadn't had the time or zest I'd had for the other things I'd posted lately but as I was reading the end of "Prep" for the bajillionth time it came to me.

I mean it's the first "book" I've read in a while seeing as how I've been hung up on graphic novels and comics lately and honestly it's very refreshing and I do love them. but I had a desire to read a book and as I do every summer I pulled "Prep" from the bookshelf. I love that book more than words can express. whenever I read books without pictures my imagination conjures up each and every scene in vivid detail and at this point I feel as though I know ault's classes, hallways, lunch room and dorms like the back of my hand. very much like I know things at UNC.

See the thing is though, me and Lee have a connection, I understand her timidness, I understand her anxiety and fears no matter how ridiculous it may be and every time I read the exchange between her and cross near the end I admire the beauty (and plainness) in which the dialogue was written. it was perfect for two teenagers. at any rate I feel myself shedding a tear for lee because I always feel as though a part of her died in that moment and it's always when I truly realize how much the prep school society had broken her socially.

it makes me wonder how differently I might be if I had went to a boarding school or prep school. I seriously considered it for the majority of my high school career, even in eleventh grade when it was essentially too late. I always got the packets in the mail and had even filled out the app but I never sent it in. I often wonder how different my life could have been. would I have come out sooner? would I have had a girlfriend? would I be smarter? would I be as lovable as I am? would I have grown such an affinity for music? would I be a hard worker instead of a lazy ass? and most importantly would I have grown to love writing so much? this all goes back to the title about how everything is intertwined, every decision is a domino effect for the next one and they must all fall into place for things to go correctly. or whatever that means.

I mean I have a lot of regrets about high school. I hated mine and still do. I often feel inadequate and I hate myself for not being able to do things my fellow peers can such as play instruments, swim, etc. it's like I have no distinguishing talent because let's be honest authors are a dime a dozen. do you know how many people are above average writers? far too many for me to consider myself talented or great at writing. so a lot of days I feel inadequacy and this is something I grapple with on a daily basis. something that no matter how many times I talk it over with my father will never understand. I am inadequate and that's the truth. high school was the cause of a lot of that too, it's like no matter how much I preached non-conformity I did it to a certain extent and I regret it. I wish I had worked harder, done more, gone off to nccsm or something. sometimes I'm really jealous of those kids though, they have a bond like no other. a bond I've never been able to form with a friend. actually the only person I've formed a serious bond with in my life is a girl whom I was once in love with, dated, etc. that's a whole nother story.

sometimes I wish I had taken the chance and mailed that app off and ditched the ease and familiarity of my high school because I grew to hate it so much. it's sad. I seriously wish I could do my entire life over sometimes. I've made so many mistakes. it's like I'm one large fuck-up sometimes.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Still I Wait

sometimes I can feel so distant from everyone and everything. it's quite a contradiction actually because I'm always surrounded by people. like even when I want a break I'm surrounded. and when I'm with people I can't help but get this overall feeling that no one I know gets it. it's so worrisome. then I have friends whom when I met them were perfectly okay 'cause I was in a shit place in my life too but now? nah. I'm okay and I don't need friends whose only interest is in wallowing in their despair. it gets old and annoying. I also have no interest in friends who, because they hate themselves so much, can only point out the flaws and annoyances of others. it's so annoying (how ironic). so annoying. hard to ditch a friend once you've made them though. at any rate still I wait for the person who will sweep into my life and be good for me.

I realize I say I don't wanna wait but it's all I've been doing anyways. how do we pass the time in the meantime though? sit around waiting and moping? because essentially that's what I've been reduced to because I refuse to become desperate and accept anything. smh. oh well.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

High School Revisited

today I decided that I would revisit my old high school and see a few faculty members and despite how much I hated wc it's quite hilarious to observe the ignorance going on in that school mostly displayed by the students. anyways when I first arrived I was immediately bought back to the harsh reality of that school and I even sat in my car scared to get out due to the large amount of ignorance and ghettoness that was surrounding me. eventually my besty talked me into getting out and I walked up to the main office. . . the buildings were the same, nothing had changed there but the overall atmosphere was different and somehow (no matter how wrong it may be) I couldn't help but feel a little better than some of the kids inhabiting that school. there are some who just don't deserve to be there because they don't wanna help themselves.

at any rate I visited the guidance office first and received a lot of ragging because of my lip piercing but overall everyone was happy to see me and excited to find out how life at carolina was. I ran into a lot of people I knew and they were cool and most of them I am proud of because they're trying to do much better than west charlotte can ever offer or even prepare you far. next stop was my old favorite, ms. fils-aime. she's such an amazing teacher. great personality and what not, very cool but she also lays down the law and gets her job done no matter what. I basically spent the rest of my time with her laughing and watch her run junior class council (which I was a member of two school years ago). we had a wonderful time and she hasn't really changed which is good in most instances. 

I left there and went to see if I could catch ms. miller but she had already left and due to recent events I could see why you wouldn't linger around after school. she was such an amazing individual, really connected with her. besides her I also wanted to see michalski who was also a wonderful influence my junior year and helped me to love history again but as I said I spent all my time catching up with filsy. I think I may dedicate a day to each in order to make it fair.

overall wc has changed and sadly it's not for the better. it's like a school being run into the ground behavior wise. I don't know if the quality of children attending has gone down or if administration has but I will tell you that it's like a degenerate operation and I'm scared that soon it'll be inhabitable. all my insiders, the faculty and many students I know going there all said they don't know how much more than can take, that it's definitely gotten worse and that they don't know how much more they can stand of the school. I can understand why this would be so even in my two hours there. my return visit was fruitful, it made me remember why I need college, people gave me advice and "lectures" too. =] it's sad that I spend more time laughing at the ignorance while there instead of praising the excellence but that's because it's (excellence) is few and far between at that school. I hope one day dub c will regain the pride and I'll be there but until then I won't return many more times. mostly out of pity and a little bit out of fear. 

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy. 

The Male Gender

so let's get this straight. I do think men can be good human beings, lately my points seem to be getting misconstrued and getting turned into outright male hate. this is simply not true. I like guys (as friends) especially my gay males but there are specific reasons.

I hate male chauvinism more than anything in the world and it just so happens that the majority of [straight] males are chauvinistic. otherwise I think men are capable, willing humans. generally speaking though a lot of men believe in (very) traditional gender roles, believe that men are generally better (whether consciously or subconsciously) and treat women in a degrading manner and it irks me so much. as a feminist this shouldn't be surprising. I really feel it sad that men have found themselves in such a box that they cannot break out for anything in the world. I also hate how men don't believe in anything that's not the normal or when they have very antiquated biblical beliefs (such as women staying home, etc). and true it is their choice but as I have said I hate male chauvinism and that's generally what most men are and as long as they continue to be that way you will continue to see a lot of disdain for men and all their self-entitlement behavior.

this generally does not apply to gay men however, because they too have struggled to gain acceptance and equality in society not to mention the fact that they usually identity with the feminist agenda as well. I mean it is what it is and that's all folks.

I really can be friendly to men, just don't come with that traditional shit. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Writing For My Life

after my last heart spilling blog I decided I'd swoop in and lighten the dark mood but only to talk about something just as serious in my opinion (but not depressing), the reason I maintain a blog and more importantly why I write at all.

there are a few reasons why I write and all are valid. first let me say I keep a blog for me and I don't care if no one at all read my blog because as a writer I do it for the love. simply for the sake of writing. I love the art of creative and free form writing. I hate essays and papers (yet I understand their necessity and appreciate them) but I love when I'm able to write creatively or just to get some thoughts off my chest. I write because the way some people are soothed by singing or playing an instrument or by working out or by swimming or even by knitting a sweater, writing never fails me. it allows me to express all of my emotions from the darkest ones to the happiest ones. the words are moving and they flow out of me with no control. it's like I just have to let them take form. I just love writing.

another would have to be for the arts. they're a dying thing in our culture and society. the arts are commodified and made to seem like something everyone and everybody can be good at. something to be unappreciated and something that is ultimately disposable but that is simply not true. everyone has their niche and not everyone can be good at acting, painting, writing, drawing, playing instruments, or any of the other arts. it is true that many artsy people have overlapping talents BUT that is not always true and should not be made to be true. and the arts need saving. so I write and defy the societal expectations to save the arts and it's not something I single-handedly take on. I invite the aspiring photographers/photojournalists, authors, musicians, actors, and visual artists to join me in this fight. fuck the status quo. let's prove that the arts are here and will always be here.

I also write because I hope to touch someone, I hope that my words reach out to someone and inspire them or make a difference in their life and even if they don't I hope that they at least move them or put a thought in your head. I write because every life is worthwhile and if I touch even one other individual out there struggling with themselves and let them know they're not alone then I'm fine. I can sleep at night and that's all that matters in my life.

I also feel that I write from a different perspective, a new perspective. it's something fresh and I want to share it with everyone. I don't want to tell the same stories that are rehashed a thousand times, I want to tell stories that are true to me, stories that have new perspectives on the world and put new voices in peoples heads. I write to make a difference (which is directly related to my previous reason) and by providing my perspective I feel I can do that. I also have hope that maybe my perspective can touch the individual who really relates to me or my stories but who may not be able to articulate him or herself in a way in which they feel others will understand. because I know that sometimes I find a character can say it better, an author can convey a message I may have had all along a lot better than I can. and that's truth.

finally I write to live because the day I told myself that I was going to quit writing was the day I knew that I was committing emotional suicide. I was taking away my one reason to remain hopeful and continue to breathe. I mean literally the day I told myself I wanted to quit writing (I thought I wasn't touching anyone or making a difference) was the day I took myself to campus wellness and started to take care of myself emotionally and mentally  because I know that even on days in which I feel incredibly stupid and nothing around me makes sense I know that writing will always be there to right my world. I know that these words will always flow from my brain to the paper as long as I let them. they'll always be there to save me, to hug me, care for me and comfort me when no one else is there. I'll always have my ability to put "the pen to the paper." and as long as I got this I'm alright. 'cause ladies and gentleman I write to live.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

When tears fall

they don't stop.
I've been crying since I had the idea in my head to write that poem I just posted and that was over an hour ago.
when I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I'd never hold anything back from my readers and so here goes.
that has to be one of thee most emotional poems I've EVER written.
and the woman I'm talking about, I just have so many conflicting feelings for her. and I'll love her no matter what because that's just the type of person I am.
but the resentment, animosity and even the little bit of self-righteousness that may have leaked into those words are truly what I feel and they've been a longggg time coming. I mean I can't even reread the poem without getting emotional. just thinking about it is making me cry.
knowing the consequence I'll suffer for being this way. for being gay.
I mean ultimately no matter how she treated me I still love her and to lose her love for being me is an unbearable thought. it just may tear me down. and it hasn't happened yet but I know one day it ultimately will.
so even though I'm capable to write that poem, even though I feel so powerful about who I am. I'm still emotionally not ready to face my consequences.
and right now I'm like a waterworks just thinking about it and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry and cry.
I'd just like to know where is everyone I'm there for when I need them?
where are these people when I feel like the only thing I wanna do is be in the fetal position?
I know it's 4 in the morning but if someone needed me at 4am I'd be there in a heartbeat.
I guess it's a consequence of going off the meds too, I have to regulate my own emotions.
and it's so hard to control this overbearing loneliness I feel half the time.
but apparently there's no one for me. no one but you, the people I write to (although I know no one reads this damn blog).
so I'll take solace in that I guess.
and don't just read my words when I post poetry, feel my words.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

this one's been a long time coming (untitled #7)

I used to follow your lead in every way

Hung onto every word you had to say

Knowing that you were leading me astray.

And even to this day I have much regret for that

Compromising myself, letting you define me

You just meant so much to me, I just couldn’t disregard the instructions you gave

You were so wise to me, so loving, so caring

I looked up to you, you seemed the most gracious creature.

I excused so many of the hurtful things you’d say

Without so much as a word as explanation

And even when those words would tear me down,

I’d defend you and say “oh she’s just bitter.”

But looking back that doesn’t excuse all the moments you lashed out--

Out at an innocent child

Especially since you claimed you only wanted the best for me

And while these experiences may have made me the woman I am today

I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy,

‘Cause with tears streaking down my face,

My self-esteem was in the gutter,

And my self-worth was diminished.

Although you may have meant the best you didn’t give it,

I’d even go so far as to say sometimes you gave your worst

especially since actions speak louder than words

And even now you hate my kind and hurt me with those same actions and expressions

So see it’s funny when you say you love me simply ‘cause I’ve witnessed you discriminate against and hate those you also “love.”

So while I may shed a tear writing this,

It’ll only because I may lose your love for being me.

Because you may withdraw your support simply for who I am.

And because of the things endured by little me.

But it’ll never be for who I turned out to be.

Or for doing what I know to be right.

‘Cause in your doing “right”

A lot of damage was done

So don’t go judging me

Because despite anything you may “know” I know I’m still a righteous, deserving person.

And I hope your happy unknowingly hating me.

Because I’m happy being me. 

-- Lexy

p.s. if you feel animosity, resentment, or any of those type of emotions exuding from this poem you got it right.

now I'm gonna go watch something funny to pick up my mood. smh.

good night folks. 

updates from home

so now that I'm home things are nice because I at least know that I'm not hiding anything from my parents but something just isn't right.
it's like we're all glossing over the whole issue. like we talked about it that day, they gave their support and then like no more mention of it. it's been a week.
and I don't wanna talk about it daily or anything but they said we'd talk about it when I got home and we haven't.
I've been extra nice to them, ultra nice. and like anyone who knows me knows that I was already nice so this is like overkill. like bunnies running around with cotton candy.
I guess I kind of feel in debt to them and like I owe them because they could have been unsupportive and kicked me out or worse rejected what I told them. withdrawn love and support.
-shudders-
anyways it feels a little weird. I dunno what I can talk about and what I shouldn't. can't share opinions about the subject matter openly and what not and sometimes I forget I'm not in chapel hill anymore and almost slip up.
-sigh-
I guess what I'm saying is that right now I can never see anyone in this household being comfortable enough to talk about it and what not so I'll just leave it untouched.
I never expected to talk to my parents about people I liked or anything because we didn't even do that or talk about it much when they though I was straight. I guess in my house my approach serious issues but not when it comes to me. I never had the sex talk, I educated myself. I never got told how to handle my feminine issues, I had to educate myself there too. that stuff never came from them, it came from other sources like webmd and shit.
guess that's how it'll always be. and I'll just become okay with that one day. I dunno. smh.
maybe.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

relationships

I came here with the intentions of writing about how things have been since I've gotten home but have since gotten something else to write about.
so as I was browsing through this girls blog on tumblr she had a post about people she's been spending her life with since 6th grade in the same place. and it made me realize that's not a luxury I've had.
I've called at least 4 to 5 places in 4 different states home. meeting many people along the way but few have had staying power.
and while many would say my friends from s.c. have the title of lifelong friend by default because I've known them since second and third grade they just don't. I mean they know very little about me honestly. I'm sure my roommate haley knows more about me and my little quirks than they do. I mean they were the last people that I came out to (not including my parents) and I didn't even feel comfortable doing it, I just did it because I refused to hide who I was just for their comfort levels any longer. like I would never extensively talk about it with them or expect them to get it when I'm really into shit like ENDA or the repeal or DADT.
and my high school friends well they're almost non-existent. I have a few acquaintances I'd still had out with here and the two to three people I consider really good friends, darrell, ieshia, and chris. then there's trinh. so I mean I have a few but honestly I've made a home at carolina as much as I hate it and I've made a nest of people I can dig no matter what. you know? and I guess that's because college is so much more liberating. I honestly dunno what it is.
point of all this is is that while I believe it takes time and trust to build relationships with people I realize that I no longer have time nor energy to be the person I once was whose heart was surrounded by the damn great wall of china which you had to slowly chip away at to be friends with. I make build relationships quickly and it's a result of living in numerous places and restarting all over again. I've had that fresh start people dream of at least 4 times and it all it's cracked up to be 'cause only way it's fresh is if you go into the thing a new, fresh person. believe that.
these days I'm pretty easy to befriend but don't be surprised if you don't know a bit of personal information about me 4 months in. I got your back but I just don't divulge information with any and everyone. just ask amy. anyways it sounds kind of contradictory but what I'm saying is before it was just as hard to befriend as it is to get personal info out of me. now I'm pretty easy to be friends with you just gotta work your way into my life. because once I let you in I'm pretty much expecting you to stay for a lifetime.
that doesn't mean I'm quick to forgive though.
generally once you fuck up you're done.
remember that.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Pseudonyms

in light of recent events I've decided to change my pseudonym not only to something more fitting (it is a derivative of my middle name) but to something I like a lot more.
rest in peace "ellie jean," you have served me well but I did not like you that much.
make way for "lexy."
and while I do not wish to erase the past I want my work to be uniform so I've changed all my work to "lexy."
hope you like it as much as I do.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

maintaining friendships

fso I think my best friend is done with me.
and the thought of that hurts my soul.
so I've done something for her.
and me writing poetry for someone is something to be honored 'cause it says a lot.
I don't do it often 'cause my poetry is spose to be about me. -sigh-
anyways here goes.

for amy.

            F – or  

            R – ealizing

            I – diotic

            E – xpressions

compa N – ions  

            D – isclose

            S – enselessly

my words and my friends

they’re all I have.

I make mistakes.

I apologize endlessly.

I hurt and stab with my words.

But not intentionally.

My brutal honesty and unwanted opinions may just be the death of me

But I ask even if I die by my own sword sharpened with my unintentional harm

That you stick by me

And continue to be there for me.

So I will put away my words and uninvited analyses

While you hopefully come to forgive me

So that I can be a better me when you rebefriend me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

untiled #6

I'm listening to music while reading a book

thinking I’d rather write but not really wanted to do either of the two,

wondering what it’s like to have someone to whisper sweet nothings to

and make love with

and cuddle with

and eventually fall asleep with.

someone who can make your dreams be a reality.

someone you can share your desires with,

your love

your work,

your body,

your home,

your feelings,

your emotion,

and everything in between.

someone whom you know loves you back.

and thinks the same of you.

I wonder what this feels like.

and though I know I should be patient

I just wish I’d feel these things right now.

as well as the pain, hurt, disappointment, and displeasantries that comes along with this want.

holding on takes a lot

yet I keep the hope that one day I’ll know what these things feel like

but until then I'll jus keep expressing the yearning I have for it.


&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

home

it's great to be back home.
and though I call several places my home.
this is the one home I always come back to and always love to come back to.
it feels so wonderful.
with my own room, my own space.
with my loving parents and their neverending grace.
I love it.
being home and with my parents.
it's something I'll always value.
I missed being here.
thank goodness for home.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

if looks could kill

if looks could kill you'd be a dead muthafucka.
while I'd never lift a hand to your face or your body I'd love to see you bleed.
can you not understand what you did to me?
how you forced me?
hurt me?
convinced me to do things that were against the very essence of my being?
how you proliferated the development of emotional me?
taking away my innocence.
and causing me to suppress the real me?
oh buddy if looks could kill
you'd be one dead muthafucka.
but at the same time I'm grateful you're still here
'cause now I get to watch you bleed emotionally
while you stay stagnant and see me develop into the strongest individual I can be.
so as my killer look
I'll simply smile. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

part two of two

so my parents got the letter.
read it.
and basically both said that they love me regardless and would support me in anyway possible.
my dad also said it was no shock.
haha. that went a lot better than expected.
thanks to all my friends for your support and encouragement! =D
special shoutout to darrell, amy, matt, haley, and imani.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

p.s. I'll write a follow up to this too 'cause we all know initial reactions can be less telling. time is the best indicator. I'm still celebrating though.

did she swoon me?

pretty much.

that was the best night I've had with a singular individual for such a long time.

I felt a connection.

I just hope I'm not mistaking her friendliness for something else. 

wish me luck as I start an entirely new journey.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Part One of Two

soooo after mulling it over for months now, writing several letters, envisioning conversations, etc. I have finally decided to come out to my parents. I wrote the letter this morning and will be overnighting it to them today as well. I feel optimistic and hopeful due to much support from friends and my therapist not because I think my parents will be accepting. not that they've ever been anything but, they've never showed an animosity towards homos, matter-of-fact they have a gay friend. however, I shivered as I wrote that letter. I wrung my hands until they were numb, a pit formed in my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes and I felt nauseous. either way its written and I'm sending it regardless. this is a letter straight from the heart with many of the tips and advice I have gotten and read thrown in. we'll see how this goes. I'll write part two of two when they receive it and call me to let me know how they feel.

&& I'm out. (literally too!)
-- lexy.

the politics of being gay

so I'm not going to let my blog turn into a gay advocacy blog. lol. I just talk about it a lot because it's very prevalent in my life especially since I'm not really that far along in the "coming out" process since I'm not out to my parents yet (it's coming very soon though). anyways the politics to being gay in america are funny though because you have to pick and choose how gay to be when you're certain places.

for instance if I were out to everyone I knew including my family I would still tone it down a bit when I went to certain towns in the south where my family lived simply because I know there are still some very backwards people living in that town. I also feel like in certain public places even in not-so-small towns you have to choose your level of "outness" due to comfort issues and sometimes safety. I've known of friends getting verbally bashed because they turned down advances from individuals of the opposite sex. it's still a very sad place in america sometimes.

at any rate the point I'm make is that the politics of gay make it so that we (as homos) have to be out everywhere we go no matter what. despite the risk to our safety because I believe it is the only way we're ever going to get anything done. honestly. that's a very milk-esque statement but it's the truth. I understand a lot of folks have a lot to loose by coming out but if you do so it'll be worth a lot in the long run.

I feel like it makes bills like ENDA (employment non-discrimination act) and the repeal of DADT more real for people if they know someone close to or around them falls into the groups of people who these acts benefit.

be you at any cost. that's what I advocate.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the heterosexual world

alright so I'm supposed to be sleep (when am I not?) and I got the motivation to blog instead so I decided to take my body up on it. and the one thing that popped up in my mind is the constant struggles I have within myself to speak up or not speak up. particularly in situations in which I feel people are broadly stereotyping without even knowing that they're doing so. or in situations where people make statements with which I am uncomfortable with but I, once again, realize that they had no bad intentions or meant any harm by the situation.

many times I think people don't even realize how hard it is for a non-heterosexual person to live in the "regular world". many things are geared toward the heterosexual population and norm. what's even worse is that being anything else is looked at as a phase and something you do for a fun fling, nothing to be taken serious. it's actually the complete opposite, some people take their sexuality very serious and still respect the rights of others. why can't heterosexual people do the same? many times I get the feeling that the vast majority of people do not respect homosexual (or people of other non-hetero identities) at all and it's mostly in the statements people make. like today my friend was speaking about how on "sex and the city" they were talking about the "straight gay man" and "gay straight man". now I realize that she meant no harm by saying this and the show probably didn't either but that statement bothers me because it equivocates all behaviors of a certain type of being straight or gay. the main problem with this is that that means that all gay men are gay because of the way they act and not what they like (and the same for straight men). the conversation had a pretext of a male is automatically gay when he's extremely feminine and while there is immense overlap of behavior and sexuality I still think it is wrong to assume that just because an individual follows a set of behaviors that makes them a certain sexuality.

the saddest part is that even as a homosexual person I have been so conditioned by this heterosexual world that I too participate in this behavior and catch myself labeling people because of the way they act. and I apologize but that brings me to another point: labeling.

I went through a "I hate labels" phase myself and I realize now that that was mostly because I didn't want to label myself as lesbian because of all the negativity I associated with it. I am now more educated, have accepted myself and become perfectly fine with being called such. looking back I realized that during that phase I was an intense hypocrite because I would advocate one thing and do another. I was an intense proponent of not labeling myself and letting people be. I believed that labels were evil and what caused so much hatred among the human race (I now realize that non-acceptance and intolerance does that) yet I still labeled people when they said certain things or merely walked past me in the mall. the thing is labels are a necessary evil in our lives. we must learn to accept this because it is a natural instinct for us to label things and put them into their separate categories. that is what we as humans do. it's really as simple as that and as soon as we learn to accept this fact and stop trying to fight it the better off we are. if this weren't true people wouldn't always create new words and combine words to explain what they are, they're simply creating their own labels. instead of worrying about labels we should all put more effort into teaching tolerance of everyone and their quirks. not even acceptance in some cases, simply tolerance. trust me, it'd be a better place if we did.

finally I'd like to say that I wish we didn't have a default sexuality. I understand that as long as religion exists we always will but I'm saying I wish we didn't. why is it that the coming out process is even necessary? this is yet another downfall of living in this highly hetero world. a lot of times (and I'm not saying this is true for all) people do not choose their sexuality. they can't help who they're attracted to so instead of criticizing them and putting them down for who they love we should accept them. we should make it so that children everywhere know it's okay to not be heterosexual. so they know it's okay to have feelings for members of the same sex because otherwise kids end up doing bad things to themselves or simply stifling their sexuality because of the negativity they hear about other sexualities. I know this won't happen in my lifetime (if at all) because let's face it gays are still fighting for simple civil rights, however it would be an amazing thing to see/live through or even hear about later on in life. let's let our kids know you can be gay and beautiful (or any other identity). as long as you're okay with you that's what matters the most.

let me tell you something life is about creating yourself. so be who you wanna be and love yourself. it took me a long ass time to get there so you just be you and you'll be a lot better off. I'll love you either way and that speaks volumes 'cause I don't even know you. =D

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.