When tears fall

they don't stop.
I've been crying since I had the idea in my head to write that poem I just posted and that was over an hour ago.
when I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I'd never hold anything back from my readers and so here goes.
that has to be one of thee most emotional poems I've EVER written.
and the woman I'm talking about, I just have so many conflicting feelings for her. and I'll love her no matter what because that's just the type of person I am.
but the resentment, animosity and even the little bit of self-righteousness that may have leaked into those words are truly what I feel and they've been a longggg time coming. I mean I can't even reread the poem without getting emotional. just thinking about it is making me cry.
knowing the consequence I'll suffer for being this way. for being gay.
I mean ultimately no matter how she treated me I still love her and to lose her love for being me is an unbearable thought. it just may tear me down. and it hasn't happened yet but I know one day it ultimately will.
so even though I'm capable to write that poem, even though I feel so powerful about who I am. I'm still emotionally not ready to face my consequences.
and right now I'm like a waterworks just thinking about it and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry and cry.
I'd just like to know where is everyone I'm there for when I need them?
where are these people when I feel like the only thing I wanna do is be in the fetal position?
I know it's 4 in the morning but if someone needed me at 4am I'd be there in a heartbeat.
I guess it's a consequence of going off the meds too, I have to regulate my own emotions.
and it's so hard to control this overbearing loneliness I feel half the time.
but apparently there's no one for me. no one but you, the people I write to (although I know no one reads this damn blog).
so I'll take solace in that I guess.
and don't just read my words when I post poetry, feel my words.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.