Barriers

tonight I went to t.o.y. and the discussion was about "coming out" and I realize that I kind of think it was pointless now since my parents never discuss it or talk about it or mention it. like my parents didn't even acknowledge that it's lgbtq month, they don't ask about my social life or anything. and maybe they don't wanna seem like they're prying or maybe they want me to initiate the conversation. whatever it is I just wish they would ask a little more, be a little more caring in that sense. like I understand that I'm an adult and I'm supposed to come to you but it would be nice if every once and a while they asked me a few questions. and I'm not saying I want to talk about it everyday either but it's been a month and we've talked about it once for like 30 minutes. to be honest as supportive as they say they are I feel rather uncomfortable even talking about anything remotely gay with them and it's like they don't wanna comment on anything either. I feel like instead of opening up the communication it actually cut it off and sometimes I wonder if they even wanna know about my social or romantic life. I mean honestly at this point I've resigned to not telling them about either (as if there's anything to say about my romantic life anyways *rolls eyes*) just to spare them the discomfort the whole thing may cause. I mean I know they need time to adjust and what not but I'm their child just like before and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I don't wanna have to wait and I just want us to be open like we were before. . . *sigh*

sometimes it's just so hard to understand why my parents just can't communicate with me about the subject or why my mom has to be contradictory about the issue or why my dad thinks it's a choice. I mean my mom will say "lifestyle choice" but then tell me that she doesn't think it's a choice and my dad says things like "your situation", "your lifestyle", etc which irk the shit out of me. I think it's because I haven't heard the word lesbian or gay come out of either of their mouthes to describe me. I'm not asking you shout it to the world but I'm asking when you talk about it instead of struggling for phrases that are probably offensive or inappropriate just use those words instead. overall I'm grateful though because it could have been a lot worse and I'm fortunate in this case.  however, things could be better and most of all I just wish I didn't feel like I was walking around on eggshells everyday and that we were in two totally different worlds. 

which brings me to another point: when I'm in charlotte I must admit that I may go overboard on the gay events 'cause my world here is very heterosexual and I feel that in order to connect with lgbtq's I have to go to lgbtq events whereas in chapel hill the likelihood of running across one randomly is a lot higher. either way my lgbtq life could use a pick me up in charlotte.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy