Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy