this one's been a long time coming (untitled #7)

I used to follow your lead in every way

Hung onto every word you had to say

Knowing that you were leading me astray.

And even to this day I have much regret for that

Compromising myself, letting you define me

You just meant so much to me, I just couldn’t disregard the instructions you gave

You were so wise to me, so loving, so caring

I looked up to you, you seemed the most gracious creature.

I excused so many of the hurtful things you’d say

Without so much as a word as explanation

And even when those words would tear me down,

I’d defend you and say “oh she’s just bitter.”

But looking back that doesn’t excuse all the moments you lashed out--

Out at an innocent child

Especially since you claimed you only wanted the best for me

And while these experiences may have made me the woman I am today

I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy,

‘Cause with tears streaking down my face,

My self-esteem was in the gutter,

And my self-worth was diminished.

Although you may have meant the best you didn’t give it,

I’d even go so far as to say sometimes you gave your worst

especially since actions speak louder than words

And even now you hate my kind and hurt me with those same actions and expressions

So see it’s funny when you say you love me simply ‘cause I’ve witnessed you discriminate against and hate those you also “love.”

So while I may shed a tear writing this,

It’ll only because I may lose your love for being me.

Because you may withdraw your support simply for who I am.

And because of the things endured by little me.

But it’ll never be for who I turned out to be.

Or for doing what I know to be right.

‘Cause in your doing “right”

A lot of damage was done

So don’t go judging me

Because despite anything you may “know” I know I’m still a righteous, deserving person.

And I hope your happy unknowingly hating me.

Because I’m happy being me. 

-- Lexy

p.s. if you feel animosity, resentment, or any of those type of emotions exuding from this poem you got it right.

now I'm gonna go watch something funny to pick up my mood. smh.

good night folks.