apprehension

tonight is my last night with the ipad. =( I've really grown to love this thing over the past two nights.
anyways I got in touch with enrique about writing for lambda today. something I've been saying I was gonna do for ages now. I'm just way to engulfed in other shit. anyways.
also I took my women's studies midterm and I think I did okay on that. don't wanna be too optimistic, that's when you fail.
other than that not much happening.
title relates to how I essentially approach everything in my life. with apprehension.
I'm usually I'm glad I did it afterwards but before that it's like pulling teeth.
oh I also got accepted to the retreat! which is amazing. hopefully nothing else will conflict. looks as if catalyst won't at this point.
looking forward to meeting some new (and get more acquainted with some old) gays and allies. that's on nov. 7.
I'm also gonna apply to be a c.u. counselor. hope I get it. I'm trying to do a lot of small leadership positions this year.
baby steps folks. baby steps.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the lives we live

as I read for women's studies tonight I realized that dorothy allison is overwhelming right. it's the first time I've cried about my life since last semester when I got my shit together. it is now that I realize like her there is so much in my life that I have worked to forget and cover up. only because it is scary to think about them and you wonder what your life would be like if you were to allow yourself to fully get over them and not let them affect you now. honestly though can that even happen seeing as how your experiences shape you? at any rate the overwhelming experiences that I had in middle school all came flooding back to me. sure I talk about them but I talk about them from a disassociated stance as though it happened to someone else. so as I was reading I thought  about the extensive bullying I experienced from everyone around me including my close family. I thought about the number of times I was used and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I thought about the times my mother ignored me and tossed me aside for her sister and I thought about the time my grandmother decided I wasn't important enough to visit in the hospital. I thought about the fact that I was coming into my sexuality but instead of embracing it I hid it, picked at others whom I thought to be queer and became deeply christian. I thought about the conditions I lived in and how hard my father worked to change it all for me. I love him for it but it just honestly wasn't enough. and I thought about how the culmination of all of this led to a very long drawn out case of severe clinical depression and how it led me to contemplate suicide constantly. the reading struck a cord in me. I never thought I would have to experience those things again. what's funny is that I've come to terms with things such as being gay/genderqueer/queer/whatever I'm currently identifying as and all the stigmata that comes along with it. that I've come to find a home in that community more than I ever has as a woman or a black person. the queer community will probably always be my home too because the social anxiety I experience around both black people and large amounts of women are both overwhelming. however, I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened to me back then and maybe that's an immature me saying that but to get over those things would cause me to admit things I've never admitted to anyone and to examine a part of my life I'd rather leave buried. and it may seem that by writing this blog I'm not doing that but I've discussed nothing in depth nor do I intend to and I've still not said many of the shameful and hurtful things that happened. my point is that I love my family from a distance now and it left me yearning for attention. it left me with a vulnerability that I hate. it left me with poor coping habits and little trust for any human being. it left me with a fear of rejection. it left me with battered emotions and a flaming temper. it left me with only negative effects. many say that experiences are needed for character but I'd rather not build my character that way. I'd rather no child build their character that way. no child should ever experience that amount of dispair and loneliness or that much hatred for ones self. I am understanding today in part because of it but mostly because I would never want anyone to feel the amount of intolerance I've felt.

&& that's all.
- lexy

Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

I'm Pretty Much Done For

the title describes it best.
my summer is pretty much done for.
I've spent all but $30 in my savings account, my parents are broke, I can't find a job to save my life and I've exhausted all resources.
right about now I just wish I could win the lottery, like for real. 'cause I'm just so tired of being the number one worry in my life.
at any rate my summer is pretty much done for, I won't be able to afford to do any of the things I wanna do like go to the beach with my gf or go to high point or go to new york or even something as simple as eating out.
smh. why oh why does it have to be this way? why does it always have to be a struggle?
anyways I guess I'll stop complaining and be happy I'm alive.
happy I have a computer to blog from.
happy I have a gf, good health and loving parents.
and in the meanwhile I'll try to forget my money woes. -sigh-

I'm About Whatever

so another drake inspired title. haha.

anyways I realized as I was listening to that song that it definitely fits my life philosophy these days 'cause I'm just living life and truly enjoying it for what it's worth.
I mean before I graduated high school I was all about the future, planning for it and saving for it. but when I got to college and nothing went right err as I planned, I just decided that planning wasn't for me anymore 'cause it just doesn't work. I got sick multiple times and I struggles internally with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. and while I was sick I realized I may die tomorrow and nothing, especially money, stays. eventually everything goes and we have to take life as it comes. for instance I spent almost all of my money and admittedly some of it was "unwise" but I had fun while doing it and even if I had it now I'd still be having fun with it so what the hell, you know.

I also had this very linear and planned view on relationships and significant others but now I realize I just have to take them as they come and do my best to sustain them. it's the same with life problems too, I'll just handle them when they come. however, I won't lie sometimes I worry about the future and struggle with figuring out "life's plan" but that's when I remember there isn't one and I'm creating my own path. and even though it's in direct contrast with what's ingrained in me I remember that all habits and philosophies can change and that I just gotta be patient.

my philosophy even extends to me judging people based on their education (or lack thereof). I mean last year this time I was just so judgmental when it came to education. I can vividly remember harshly judging people who didn't graduate on time even if they would get their diploma over the summer. and I remember thinking that college was this perfect little world everyone could survive in-- that it was thee only option for everyone however, I now know that not to be true. (hell, it almost isn't for me!) so as long as you're happy with yourself and you ain't bumming it and you're actually trying to get somewhere [legally] then imma about it. 'cause there are PLENTY of ways to be educated without having a degree, matter-of-fact I'll even go so far as to say formal education kills the imagine and all that's smart and natural in us. it dulls us and creates robots ready to be little corporate robots. but I digress, that's another subject in it's entirety.

overall I guess I'm just trying to say I know I've made a lot of progress as a human and I'm glad to have done it 'cause I've become a better, more accepting one.
so I'm about whatever. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

Everything is Intertwined

I've been trying to think of something to post for a few days now and I've had some topics lined up but I just hadn't had the time or zest I'd had for the other things I'd posted lately but as I was reading the end of "Prep" for the bajillionth time it came to me.

I mean it's the first "book" I've read in a while seeing as how I've been hung up on graphic novels and comics lately and honestly it's very refreshing and I do love them. but I had a desire to read a book and as I do every summer I pulled "Prep" from the bookshelf. I love that book more than words can express. whenever I read books without pictures my imagination conjures up each and every scene in vivid detail and at this point I feel as though I know ault's classes, hallways, lunch room and dorms like the back of my hand. very much like I know things at UNC.

See the thing is though, me and Lee have a connection, I understand her timidness, I understand her anxiety and fears no matter how ridiculous it may be and every time I read the exchange between her and cross near the end I admire the beauty (and plainness) in which the dialogue was written. it was perfect for two teenagers. at any rate I feel myself shedding a tear for lee because I always feel as though a part of her died in that moment and it's always when I truly realize how much the prep school society had broken her socially.

it makes me wonder how differently I might be if I had went to a boarding school or prep school. I seriously considered it for the majority of my high school career, even in eleventh grade when it was essentially too late. I always got the packets in the mail and had even filled out the app but I never sent it in. I often wonder how different my life could have been. would I have come out sooner? would I have had a girlfriend? would I be smarter? would I be as lovable as I am? would I have grown such an affinity for music? would I be a hard worker instead of a lazy ass? and most importantly would I have grown to love writing so much? this all goes back to the title about how everything is intertwined, every decision is a domino effect for the next one and they must all fall into place for things to go correctly. or whatever that means.

I mean I have a lot of regrets about high school. I hated mine and still do. I often feel inadequate and I hate myself for not being able to do things my fellow peers can such as play instruments, swim, etc. it's like I have no distinguishing talent because let's be honest authors are a dime a dozen. do you know how many people are above average writers? far too many for me to consider myself talented or great at writing. so a lot of days I feel inadequacy and this is something I grapple with on a daily basis. something that no matter how many times I talk it over with my father will never understand. I am inadequate and that's the truth. high school was the cause of a lot of that too, it's like no matter how much I preached non-conformity I did it to a certain extent and I regret it. I wish I had worked harder, done more, gone off to nccsm or something. sometimes I'm really jealous of those kids though, they have a bond like no other. a bond I've never been able to form with a friend. actually the only person I've formed a serious bond with in my life is a girl whom I was once in love with, dated, etc. that's a whole nother story.

sometimes I wish I had taken the chance and mailed that app off and ditched the ease and familiarity of my high school because I grew to hate it so much. it's sad. I seriously wish I could do my entire life over sometimes. I've made so many mistakes. it's like I'm one large fuck-up sometimes.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

relationships

I came here with the intentions of writing about how things have been since I've gotten home but have since gotten something else to write about.
so as I was browsing through this girls blog on tumblr she had a post about people she's been spending her life with since 6th grade in the same place. and it made me realize that's not a luxury I've had.
I've called at least 4 to 5 places in 4 different states home. meeting many people along the way but few have had staying power.
and while many would say my friends from s.c. have the title of lifelong friend by default because I've known them since second and third grade they just don't. I mean they know very little about me honestly. I'm sure my roommate haley knows more about me and my little quirks than they do. I mean they were the last people that I came out to (not including my parents) and I didn't even feel comfortable doing it, I just did it because I refused to hide who I was just for their comfort levels any longer. like I would never extensively talk about it with them or expect them to get it when I'm really into shit like ENDA or the repeal or DADT.
and my high school friends well they're almost non-existent. I have a few acquaintances I'd still had out with here and the two to three people I consider really good friends, darrell, ieshia, and chris. then there's trinh. so I mean I have a few but honestly I've made a home at carolina as much as I hate it and I've made a nest of people I can dig no matter what. you know? and I guess that's because college is so much more liberating. I honestly dunno what it is.
point of all this is is that while I believe it takes time and trust to build relationships with people I realize that I no longer have time nor energy to be the person I once was whose heart was surrounded by the damn great wall of china which you had to slowly chip away at to be friends with. I make build relationships quickly and it's a result of living in numerous places and restarting all over again. I've had that fresh start people dream of at least 4 times and it all it's cracked up to be 'cause only way it's fresh is if you go into the thing a new, fresh person. believe that.
these days I'm pretty easy to befriend but don't be surprised if you don't know a bit of personal information about me 4 months in. I got your back but I just don't divulge information with any and everyone. just ask amy. anyways it sounds kind of contradictory but what I'm saying is before it was just as hard to befriend as it is to get personal info out of me. now I'm pretty easy to be friends with you just gotta work your way into my life. because once I let you in I'm pretty much expecting you to stay for a lifetime.
that doesn't mean I'm quick to forgive though.
generally once you fuck up you're done.
remember that.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

did she swoon me?

pretty much.

that was the best night I've had with a singular individual for such a long time.

I felt a connection.

I just hope I'm not mistaking her friendliness for something else. 

wish me luck as I start an entirely new journey.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the heterosexual world

alright so I'm supposed to be sleep (when am I not?) and I got the motivation to blog instead so I decided to take my body up on it. and the one thing that popped up in my mind is the constant struggles I have within myself to speak up or not speak up. particularly in situations in which I feel people are broadly stereotyping without even knowing that they're doing so. or in situations where people make statements with which I am uncomfortable with but I, once again, realize that they had no bad intentions or meant any harm by the situation.

many times I think people don't even realize how hard it is for a non-heterosexual person to live in the "regular world". many things are geared toward the heterosexual population and norm. what's even worse is that being anything else is looked at as a phase and something you do for a fun fling, nothing to be taken serious. it's actually the complete opposite, some people take their sexuality very serious and still respect the rights of others. why can't heterosexual people do the same? many times I get the feeling that the vast majority of people do not respect homosexual (or people of other non-hetero identities) at all and it's mostly in the statements people make. like today my friend was speaking about how on "sex and the city" they were talking about the "straight gay man" and "gay straight man". now I realize that she meant no harm by saying this and the show probably didn't either but that statement bothers me because it equivocates all behaviors of a certain type of being straight or gay. the main problem with this is that that means that all gay men are gay because of the way they act and not what they like (and the same for straight men). the conversation had a pretext of a male is automatically gay when he's extremely feminine and while there is immense overlap of behavior and sexuality I still think it is wrong to assume that just because an individual follows a set of behaviors that makes them a certain sexuality.

the saddest part is that even as a homosexual person I have been so conditioned by this heterosexual world that I too participate in this behavior and catch myself labeling people because of the way they act. and I apologize but that brings me to another point: labeling.

I went through a "I hate labels" phase myself and I realize now that that was mostly because I didn't want to label myself as lesbian because of all the negativity I associated with it. I am now more educated, have accepted myself and become perfectly fine with being called such. looking back I realized that during that phase I was an intense hypocrite because I would advocate one thing and do another. I was an intense proponent of not labeling myself and letting people be. I believed that labels were evil and what caused so much hatred among the human race (I now realize that non-acceptance and intolerance does that) yet I still labeled people when they said certain things or merely walked past me in the mall. the thing is labels are a necessary evil in our lives. we must learn to accept this because it is a natural instinct for us to label things and put them into their separate categories. that is what we as humans do. it's really as simple as that and as soon as we learn to accept this fact and stop trying to fight it the better off we are. if this weren't true people wouldn't always create new words and combine words to explain what they are, they're simply creating their own labels. instead of worrying about labels we should all put more effort into teaching tolerance of everyone and their quirks. not even acceptance in some cases, simply tolerance. trust me, it'd be a better place if we did.

finally I'd like to say that I wish we didn't have a default sexuality. I understand that as long as religion exists we always will but I'm saying I wish we didn't. why is it that the coming out process is even necessary? this is yet another downfall of living in this highly hetero world. a lot of times (and I'm not saying this is true for all) people do not choose their sexuality. they can't help who they're attracted to so instead of criticizing them and putting them down for who they love we should accept them. we should make it so that children everywhere know it's okay to not be heterosexual. so they know it's okay to have feelings for members of the same sex because otherwise kids end up doing bad things to themselves or simply stifling their sexuality because of the negativity they hear about other sexualities. I know this won't happen in my lifetime (if at all) because let's face it gays are still fighting for simple civil rights, however it would be an amazing thing to see/live through or even hear about later on in life. let's let our kids know you can be gay and beautiful (or any other identity). as long as you're okay with you that's what matters the most.

let me tell you something life is about creating yourself. so be who you wanna be and love yourself. it took me a long ass time to get there so you just be you and you'll be a lot better off. I'll love you either way and that speaks volumes 'cause I don't even know you. =D

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Gone Haywire

lately I've been emotionally all over the place.
from despair to happiness to sadness. . . it's strange, hadn't had this happen in a long time and I wish I knew why it were happening.
not much else to say. or rather I don't feel like articulating it. -sigh- maybe another day.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Just-a-Joe

the most saddening thing I have read lately is the blog of anonymous soldier, just-a-joe. he recently came out to his comrades during a political conversation in which he felt that he could no longer conceal his identity. just-a-joe was told he wouldn't be singled out by his commander but he was lied to. shortly following his coming out an investigation was launched and he will most likely be discharged when he returns to the states after his tour (in iraq presumably) is over.  [read the full story here]

I think one of the saddest things we do in this country is tell our soldiers that you can serve but you must keep your sexual identity secret if you are not heterosexual. it is ashame that we discharge individuals, strip them of their dignity, and tell them their identity is unacceptable after they've sacrificed their bodies and lives for our country day in and day out! it is imperative that we repeal DADT and make obama/washington stop dragging their feet on this issue! write your senators and representatives, get out and picket, advocate, write blogs about it, do whatever takes to repeal DADT so our soldiers can serve freely.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

Spamming

yo I'm sorry to my readers!
sorry for spamming my blog with formspring.me in order to keep it current/active rather than actually posting here.
I swear one day imma get back on my blog game so once again imma ask you to bare with me as I learn more time management skills so I can blog, study, work, do hw, and everything else I need to do in a day.
thanks and I love you. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Realities

there are two very important people in my life who both keep trying to convince me of the exact same thing which I refuse to believe.

Who they are is no matter but what they do is.

Forcing your beliefs of someone else is not very democratic especially when what you’re trying to force on me simply is not the truth.

Plainly put these people keep trying to convince me that everyone reality is the same when obviously this is not true.

Everyone’s situations are different and may greatly vary from one individual to the next.

It’s not very fair that they do this to me either, they feel that because they are in positions of authority they can force me into that position but they are very mistaken. I feel as though it’s important for them to know that by me not believing that bullshit that they’re telling me I’m proving my exact point. My reality is different.

She is stuck in the past still thinking that every Caucasian person is out to get you and that they hate black people or hold some innate belief that they’re better when this simply isn’t true. She also believes that black folk are incapable of holding a position of power and to some extent I believe that she believes they shouldn’t be given the chance. She also has an instense hatred of homosexuals and even participated in the outcasting of a close family member when they became involved with someone of the same sex. As I’ve reminded her time and time again, just because you practice and believe these things doesn’t mean they’re true. Her response is “you just keep on livin’ honey.” I always walk away feeling as though nothing’s been accomplished but I know that deep within every time I don’t idly sit by and let her rant I’ve accomplished something. I’vw fought a small fight which proves that my reality is different from hers.

He (the other individual) tries very hard to convince me that because I can argue a certain point of view or be understanding (despite how twisted the story may be) it means I believe that point of view. WRONG! It’s very similar to how an attorney can defend someone they may know to be guilty not only because it’s their duty but because they want them to get a fair shake. Plain and simple. Now I know life ain’t fair but I believe in trying to make it as fair as possible and the only way we can do that is through understanding. So once again my reality is different from yours, simply because I can be understanding and non-convicting despite how evil someone (or the situation) is. After all we’re only human.

I think that’s enough said.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy. 

And I Bet You Never Would Have Guessed Paranoia Was Narcissism as an Undercover Agent

As I’ve previously written about, paranoia is something that afflicts me daily and I began to wonder about the complexity of the issue. Although paranoia is a serious matter, one of self-consciousness, isn’t it also possibly one of conceit or narcissism? Think about it, paranoia consists of the individual frequently having thoughts that people are occupied with discussing them and talking about them as they enter and move about the room. (At least that’s the kind of paranoia that plagues me) While the thoughts and words these people may be having are negative in nature the fact remains that people are talking about the said individual. Now isn’t that a little be narcissistic of the individual to think that people actually have time to sit around and talk about the clothes they have on or the spot on their teeth (disregard the fact that people actually do do this quite frequently)? The answer is yes regardless as to how much of a disease and matter of poor self-image paranoia may result from. Which bring me to the ultimate point, that makes me secretly narcissistic and I don’t like the thought of that at all because I’m honestly not that concerned with myself and only myself. I absolutely love caring for other people and this worries me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m narcissistic and the funny thing is that by writing this I’m being paranoid about being narcissistic which proves my point double. –sigh- why is shit so complicated? 

&& I’m out.

- - lexy. 

How the Time Flies

I’ve been absent for over a month with no good reason except that I’d been absent from my life all together over the last month of school right up until break. Only things I honestly had time for was being a robot that went to class, endured, went to work, and came home to do daily chores and tasks. It’s not really something I’m glad I let happen because you should never leave your life but I have a tendency of doing. At any rate I’m just glad I finished semester one and that I have time to write again. I’m really glad. I didn’t mean to neglect my writing it just took a backseat as it always does but shouldn’t. I ain’t making any promises but I’m going to try to stay in action with better time management and what not. =] 
&& I'm out
-- Lexy.