when will it end?

it's been "three" days since I've posted and I apologize. I've been trying to update every other day but sometimes it's really hard with my busy life especially since I like to post very thought provoking, heartfelt blogs.

today I read "a very hungry girl" by jessica weiner, yet another book for women's studies. it was depressing at first but then she actually gave us solutions at the end. she makes it seems like the tunnel actually has a light at the end. I still feel crappy though and often times I feel as though life has defeated me, like I want to throw up that white flag of surrender but my friends won't let me. mainly haley and trinh. so I would like to give a very special thanks to them. continuing though I'm supposed to be going back to cws this morning but I'm really apprehensive and sort of ashamed. . .why you may ask, that is because I did this same thing last year. I feel ashamed that I'm needing this help again, that I've let myself slip so far off the bandwagon. it hurts and it sucks. now that I'm writing this I kind of don't even want to be talking about it at all especially not with the internet but I've learned that if we share our stories we can prevent someone else from experiencing our immense pain.

I don't exactly know how to explain it except mood swings but generally at one moment I can be happy, okay, ambitious, ready to tackle the world and literally moments later I'm full of rage, hate and anger and once that phase passes I swiftly move into sadness. it usually lasts much longer than the other phases, ranging from hours to days. a sadness that is filled with despair and hate of my very being, every single thing that makes up me. eventually that hate builds up to intense suicidal thoughts and impulses in which I am on the verge of throwing myself into traffic or jumping from a tall building (both of which are highly accessible on unc's campus). my friends though knowing how close I am to losing my sanity are constantly looking out, watching and stopping me. they stop me but it doesn't stop the intensity of the feelings. the only thing that does that is sleep or music but sleep is highly elusive since my mind is usually racing with thoughts making music the default. it only quells the feelings and thoughts though, nothing completely gets rid of them. in this stage I'm usually very antisocial and mean. I hate it, I push my friends away and isolate myself exactly what I don't want nor need. I have no idea where this came from and why it's so intense this semester. sometimes I think it's this campus, I don't know. the pretentious bitches who walk around making us all feel bad about ourselves.

it's like here I am nothing. I have nothing. no special talents, no extraordinary writing ability, no physical beauty, no charisma, no academic success or anything. I am average, if that. it's hard to feel special here, especially for me. I feel constantly marginalized by other people. I am fat, I am ugly, I am undesirable. I feel these things on a daily basis and no matter how many times I confide in my dad he comes at it with a firm hand rather than understanding and in the end it just makes it all worse and makes the self loathing stronger. I have no assets, I have nothing to offer this world is what I constantly feel like and I don't know how much longer my mind can withstand such a beating. . .

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy