I'm Pretty Much Done For

the title describes it best.
my summer is pretty much done for.
I've spent all but $30 in my savings account, my parents are broke, I can't find a job to save my life and I've exhausted all resources.
right about now I just wish I could win the lottery, like for real. 'cause I'm just so tired of being the number one worry in my life.
at any rate my summer is pretty much done for, I won't be able to afford to do any of the things I wanna do like go to the beach with my gf or go to high point or go to new york or even something as simple as eating out.
smh. why oh why does it have to be this way? why does it always have to be a struggle?
anyways I guess I'll stop complaining and be happy I'm alive.
happy I have a computer to blog from.
happy I have a gf, good health and loving parents.
and in the meanwhile I'll try to forget my money woes. -sigh-

I'm About Whatever

so another drake inspired title. haha.

anyways I realized as I was listening to that song that it definitely fits my life philosophy these days 'cause I'm just living life and truly enjoying it for what it's worth.
I mean before I graduated high school I was all about the future, planning for it and saving for it. but when I got to college and nothing went right err as I planned, I just decided that planning wasn't for me anymore 'cause it just doesn't work. I got sick multiple times and I struggles internally with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. and while I was sick I realized I may die tomorrow and nothing, especially money, stays. eventually everything goes and we have to take life as it comes. for instance I spent almost all of my money and admittedly some of it was "unwise" but I had fun while doing it and even if I had it now I'd still be having fun with it so what the hell, you know.

I also had this very linear and planned view on relationships and significant others but now I realize I just have to take them as they come and do my best to sustain them. it's the same with life problems too, I'll just handle them when they come. however, I won't lie sometimes I worry about the future and struggle with figuring out "life's plan" but that's when I remember there isn't one and I'm creating my own path. and even though it's in direct contrast with what's ingrained in me I remember that all habits and philosophies can change and that I just gotta be patient.

my philosophy even extends to me judging people based on their education (or lack thereof). I mean last year this time I was just so judgmental when it came to education. I can vividly remember harshly judging people who didn't graduate on time even if they would get their diploma over the summer. and I remember thinking that college was this perfect little world everyone could survive in-- that it was thee only option for everyone however, I now know that not to be true. (hell, it almost isn't for me!) so as long as you're happy with yourself and you ain't bumming it and you're actually trying to get somewhere [legally] then imma about it. 'cause there are PLENTY of ways to be educated without having a degree, matter-of-fact I'll even go so far as to say formal education kills the imagine and all that's smart and natural in us. it dulls us and creates robots ready to be little corporate robots. but I digress, that's another subject in it's entirety.

overall I guess I'm just trying to say I know I've made a lot of progress as a human and I'm glad to have done it 'cause I've become a better, more accepting one.
so I'm about whatever. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.