Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

relationships

I came here with the intentions of writing about how things have been since I've gotten home but have since gotten something else to write about.
so as I was browsing through this girls blog on tumblr she had a post about people she's been spending her life with since 6th grade in the same place. and it made me realize that's not a luxury I've had.
I've called at least 4 to 5 places in 4 different states home. meeting many people along the way but few have had staying power.
and while many would say my friends from s.c. have the title of lifelong friend by default because I've known them since second and third grade they just don't. I mean they know very little about me honestly. I'm sure my roommate haley knows more about me and my little quirks than they do. I mean they were the last people that I came out to (not including my parents) and I didn't even feel comfortable doing it, I just did it because I refused to hide who I was just for their comfort levels any longer. like I would never extensively talk about it with them or expect them to get it when I'm really into shit like ENDA or the repeal or DADT.
and my high school friends well they're almost non-existent. I have a few acquaintances I'd still had out with here and the two to three people I consider really good friends, darrell, ieshia, and chris. then there's trinh. so I mean I have a few but honestly I've made a home at carolina as much as I hate it and I've made a nest of people I can dig no matter what. you know? and I guess that's because college is so much more liberating. I honestly dunno what it is.
point of all this is is that while I believe it takes time and trust to build relationships with people I realize that I no longer have time nor energy to be the person I once was whose heart was surrounded by the damn great wall of china which you had to slowly chip away at to be friends with. I make build relationships quickly and it's a result of living in numerous places and restarting all over again. I've had that fresh start people dream of at least 4 times and it all it's cracked up to be 'cause only way it's fresh is if you go into the thing a new, fresh person. believe that.
these days I'm pretty easy to befriend but don't be surprised if you don't know a bit of personal information about me 4 months in. I got your back but I just don't divulge information with any and everyone. just ask amy. anyways it sounds kind of contradictory but what I'm saying is before it was just as hard to befriend as it is to get personal info out of me. now I'm pretty easy to be friends with you just gotta work your way into my life. because once I let you in I'm pretty much expecting you to stay for a lifetime.
that doesn't mean I'm quick to forgive though.
generally once you fuck up you're done.
remember that.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.