My Thoughts May Just Be The Death of Me

last night I was up far too late as usual because I took a nap earlier and I was thinking about the phone conversation I had with my dad earlier that day. I called him to catch up because it had been far too long since we'd had a conversation of substance. at any rate we were chatting and what not and I was talking about the triangle pride parade this coming weekend except I didn't say that. I just said "yea there's a parade this weekend so I don't think you all should come up." my dad's always been the nosey/inquisitive type so he asked if there was a holiday this weekend and I was like "yes, sort of. I mean", exactly like that. the next thing he said was "are you in a place where you don't feel safe talking about it?" I thought, wtf? no. if anything the people here all rush to the gay pride but to him I simply said "no, it's the triangle pride parade." pause. it's not as if my parents don't know, I mean they do it's just that the conversation is always awkward and I would just prefer not to talk about it with them plain and simple so whenever I do gay things I just say it and move on or don't bother telling them. resume. he then says "well you know we're okay with your choice. . ." I really don't remember much of what he said after that because I was so irked by that comment that I was off the phone within a minute later. the one thing I really pushed to them about my sexuality was that it was not something I chose, it just was. and he says that all the time, every single time he brings it up and it's quite annoying. it's disrespectful and honestly it leads me to believe he is not really okay with it, he's just saying that to say it. I was so irritated by the conversation I didn't even think about the fact that he said my family wouldn't be home for my birthday even though I would (another blow to the face). I was supposed to call my mom and nana after that but I just couldn't because I was so agitated.

it was later while I was thinking that it would be a lot easier than people think for me to become estranged from the majority of my family just because of their silly opinions, sexist attitudes and ridiculousness. I love them and they helped me a lot while growing up but they also hindered me and hurt me too. and continue to do it even when I inform them, making them better informed people! that means they make conscientious decisions to further hurt me and say mean things and honestly I don't want to be associated with such nonsense. I don't hate them, I never could but I strongly dislike their actions and the opinions they display sometimes. so until I see a change. I won't be putting myself in harms. *shrugs*

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

People From the Past Usually Mean the Most

so as we all know my current girlfriend is my previous one (and in fact my only one) and before it was just so hard being in a relationship with her. we were both immature and we both had many psychological issues (depression, etc) and these days I can't even fathom how we made it and I can't fathom how the damaging things we said to one another has affected our relationship today.

what I do know is that tonight as I kissed her goodbye after seeing the movie "knight and day" (which was decent, very cute) I know that I love her. and it may seem fast 'cause it'll only be a month as of this saturday but I have a history with this girl and even before when I broke up with her I still loved her. I mean I told her I was over her and that I no longer loved her but that was always a lie. I always had lingering feelings and always loved her, I just didn't realize what an amazing individual I had. I was out to prove to myself that someone else could do it better when clearly she was the one then (and now). I've come to believe that some of us are lucky enough to get it right on the first try. =]

this is not to say that I don't constantly worry about whether we'll make it, especially when I go back to unc but I feel like we can do it. it'll be hard but we can. so I may not be able to predict the future but I can work hard now to ensure the things and people I want in my future are there.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

relationships

I came here with the intentions of writing about how things have been since I've gotten home but have since gotten something else to write about.
so as I was browsing through this girls blog on tumblr she had a post about people she's been spending her life with since 6th grade in the same place. and it made me realize that's not a luxury I've had.
I've called at least 4 to 5 places in 4 different states home. meeting many people along the way but few have had staying power.
and while many would say my friends from s.c. have the title of lifelong friend by default because I've known them since second and third grade they just don't. I mean they know very little about me honestly. I'm sure my roommate haley knows more about me and my little quirks than they do. I mean they were the last people that I came out to (not including my parents) and I didn't even feel comfortable doing it, I just did it because I refused to hide who I was just for their comfort levels any longer. like I would never extensively talk about it with them or expect them to get it when I'm really into shit like ENDA or the repeal or DADT.
and my high school friends well they're almost non-existent. I have a few acquaintances I'd still had out with here and the two to three people I consider really good friends, darrell, ieshia, and chris. then there's trinh. so I mean I have a few but honestly I've made a home at carolina as much as I hate it and I've made a nest of people I can dig no matter what. you know? and I guess that's because college is so much more liberating. I honestly dunno what it is.
point of all this is is that while I believe it takes time and trust to build relationships with people I realize that I no longer have time nor energy to be the person I once was whose heart was surrounded by the damn great wall of china which you had to slowly chip away at to be friends with. I make build relationships quickly and it's a result of living in numerous places and restarting all over again. I've had that fresh start people dream of at least 4 times and it all it's cracked up to be 'cause only way it's fresh is if you go into the thing a new, fresh person. believe that.
these days I'm pretty easy to befriend but don't be surprised if you don't know a bit of personal information about me 4 months in. I got your back but I just don't divulge information with any and everyone. just ask amy. anyways it sounds kind of contradictory but what I'm saying is before it was just as hard to befriend as it is to get personal info out of me. now I'm pretty easy to be friends with you just gotta work your way into my life. because once I let you in I'm pretty much expecting you to stay for a lifetime.
that doesn't mean I'm quick to forgive though.
generally once you fuck up you're done.
remember that.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

these days

I've been feeling a little down.
I want all the things I haven't had in such a long time.
I wanna be held.
I want to cuddle with someone.
I want to be loved.
I want to not be lonely.
these things would be nice.
I guess overall I'm happy.
but 2 years single is quite enough.
fuck lonliness being the human condition.
I hate that stupid quote.
no one can, should, or want to be lonely [all the time].
I'm not desperate.
I just would like a change in my romantic life.
I'm a loaner but sometimes it's just unbearable.
after all I'm human too. . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.