Everything is Intertwined

I've been trying to think of something to post for a few days now and I've had some topics lined up but I just hadn't had the time or zest I'd had for the other things I'd posted lately but as I was reading the end of "Prep" for the bajillionth time it came to me.

I mean it's the first "book" I've read in a while seeing as how I've been hung up on graphic novels and comics lately and honestly it's very refreshing and I do love them. but I had a desire to read a book and as I do every summer I pulled "Prep" from the bookshelf. I love that book more than words can express. whenever I read books without pictures my imagination conjures up each and every scene in vivid detail and at this point I feel as though I know ault's classes, hallways, lunch room and dorms like the back of my hand. very much like I know things at UNC.

See the thing is though, me and Lee have a connection, I understand her timidness, I understand her anxiety and fears no matter how ridiculous it may be and every time I read the exchange between her and cross near the end I admire the beauty (and plainness) in which the dialogue was written. it was perfect for two teenagers. at any rate I feel myself shedding a tear for lee because I always feel as though a part of her died in that moment and it's always when I truly realize how much the prep school society had broken her socially.

it makes me wonder how differently I might be if I had went to a boarding school or prep school. I seriously considered it for the majority of my high school career, even in eleventh grade when it was essentially too late. I always got the packets in the mail and had even filled out the app but I never sent it in. I often wonder how different my life could have been. would I have come out sooner? would I have had a girlfriend? would I be smarter? would I be as lovable as I am? would I have grown such an affinity for music? would I be a hard worker instead of a lazy ass? and most importantly would I have grown to love writing so much? this all goes back to the title about how everything is intertwined, every decision is a domino effect for the next one and they must all fall into place for things to go correctly. or whatever that means.

I mean I have a lot of regrets about high school. I hated mine and still do. I often feel inadequate and I hate myself for not being able to do things my fellow peers can such as play instruments, swim, etc. it's like I have no distinguishing talent because let's be honest authors are a dime a dozen. do you know how many people are above average writers? far too many for me to consider myself talented or great at writing. so a lot of days I feel inadequacy and this is something I grapple with on a daily basis. something that no matter how many times I talk it over with my father will never understand. I am inadequate and that's the truth. high school was the cause of a lot of that too, it's like no matter how much I preached non-conformity I did it to a certain extent and I regret it. I wish I had worked harder, done more, gone off to nccsm or something. sometimes I'm really jealous of those kids though, they have a bond like no other. a bond I've never been able to form with a friend. actually the only person I've formed a serious bond with in my life is a girl whom I was once in love with, dated, etc. that's a whole nother story.

sometimes I wish I had taken the chance and mailed that app off and ditched the ease and familiarity of my high school because I grew to hate it so much. it's sad. I seriously wish I could do my entire life over sometimes. I've made so many mistakes. it's like I'm one large fuck-up sometimes.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.