Memoirs of Another Life

Often when I listen to music (of a certain tempo/content) I get lost in it and begin to daydream in which I find myself visualizing and vividly experiencing things that have never happened to me (or perhaps have yet to occur to me). I had long since equated this to reincarnation not only because these things were so vivid but because I had knowledge far beyond my years even at a young age (and this is not only by my account). I have to say that if this is so in my other life I must have been one hell of an individual with a hard life because the things I see are rarely pleasant or happy. What's more is that often when I have these visions its so real that I'm only snapped out of them by multiple calls of my name or by a loud noise. It's sometimes scary. Another thing that comes along with this is the fact that I've seriously always thought I was going to die young, even since I was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old. I don't know why but I just do. It's like this overwhelming feeling of knowing (but of course no one believes me). It'd be a stretch to say I've envisioned the way it's going to happen but often it's tragic. Maybe that's just me wanting to be seen. I dunno.

I digress.

Is it possible that I could be seeing my future life though? Or is that too radical, too far out there? For now I'll stick to it being the prior. In my prior life I was much more courageous and valiant exactly the opposite of what I am now. Here I'm the kid stuck in a rut who waits around on life to come to me --both romantically and socially speaking-- rather than taking the intiative in these situations. I'm too self-concious though, that's always been a problem for me (and probably always will be, I'm only human right?). At this point I have serious concerns about my long-term social life; I guess that will take care of itself though.

I went out this past weekend, to a party, two nights in a row and I had plenty-o-fun but I almost had a heart attack Saturday although I can't really divulge why. I realized though that I spend so much of my life trying to protect myself from hurt or rejection by fading into the background and keeping things to myself that I often only make it worse because I always then end up in impossible situations. Those situations generally frustrate me more. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to come out and say what I need to say...maybe I'll do it here.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.