And Just When I Thought the Stars Had Aligned...

...Things turn out not to be right.
Actually they turn out to be exactly how I left them.
Just when I thought change had come I realize I'm exactly how I was before, numb.
Still immune from the pain
Just seems like things can't change.

Honestly I had a new attitude, I thought I could be more assertive and I thought I could be open with the people I consider "friends". That all changes though when you open your mouth but you can't force the words to come out because you're scared what you say will forever alter the course of your relationship with them. You don't want people worried and you just rather not have this discussion. So like the wimp I am I close my mouth and hope to utter it another day. Fuck my reality yo and the pitiful being that I am.

I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. The things I advocate I truly believe but when it comes to myself it's like a whole new set of standards. Its like I'm stuck in a rut where I can't change anything and I'm destined to be that way... oh wait I don't believe in destiny. That means I'm creating one fucked up fate for myself.
I'm just blabbing now. I come back later...
When I have something more meaningful to say.

&& that's it.
-- lexy.