And I Bet You Never Would Have Guessed Paranoia Was Narcissism as an Undercover Agent

As I’ve previously written about, paranoia is something that afflicts me daily and I began to wonder about the complexity of the issue. Although paranoia is a serious matter, one of self-consciousness, isn’t it also possibly one of conceit or narcissism? Think about it, paranoia consists of the individual frequently having thoughts that people are occupied with discussing them and talking about them as they enter and move about the room. (At least that’s the kind of paranoia that plagues me) While the thoughts and words these people may be having are negative in nature the fact remains that people are talking about the said individual. Now isn’t that a little be narcissistic of the individual to think that people actually have time to sit around and talk about the clothes they have on or the spot on their teeth (disregard the fact that people actually do do this quite frequently)? The answer is yes regardless as to how much of a disease and matter of poor self-image paranoia may result from. Which bring me to the ultimate point, that makes me secretly narcissistic and I don’t like the thought of that at all because I’m honestly not that concerned with myself and only myself. I absolutely love caring for other people and this worries me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m narcissistic and the funny thing is that by writing this I’m being paranoid about being narcissistic which proves my point double. –sigh- why is shit so complicated? 

&& I’m out.

- - lexy. 

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/addisonsawhiz09

formspring.me

If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?

my computer.
my camera.
my iPod.

What was the happiest moment in your life?

when I graduated from high school.
I hated my high school.

Ask me anything

How the Time Flies

I’ve been absent for over a month with no good reason except that I’d been absent from my life all together over the last month of school right up until break. Only things I honestly had time for was being a robot that went to class, endured, went to work, and came home to do daily chores and tasks. It’s not really something I’m glad I let happen because you should never leave your life but I have a tendency of doing. At any rate I’m just glad I finished semester one and that I have time to write again. I’m really glad. I didn’t mean to neglect my writing it just took a backseat as it always does but shouldn’t. I ain’t making any promises but I’m going to try to stay in action with better time management and what not. =] 
&& I'm out
-- Lexy. 

First Years Always Get The Worse of It

So today was class registration and it's a very frustrating process as a first year even when I factor in the fact that in January we will have drop/add. It's so annoying. Ugh. We always get the bottom of the damn totem pole when it comes to registration. We're shitty, non-interesting classes at times that we'd rather die than get up that early. Ugh. Then budget cuts don't make it any better. My schedule isn't too bad and I don't have to get up too early but it ain't (yes I said 'ain't') my ideal schedule. >=[

This cartoon describes it best:

&& I'm out. 

-- lexy. 

The Shoes That Got Away

Before this year I never really cared about my clothes; as long as they were clean and sort of stylish plus fit me well that's all that mattered and then all of a sudden I began to take an interest in clothes.

I always hated straight leg jeans and now that I have one pair I fear I'll wear them out. Lol.
Not to mention I almost had a heart attack when I thought I'd mistakenly bleached them.

Anyways the post is about this pair of Tom's Shoes I'd been dying to have called the Remarque Toms with the quote "Make Art, Not War" on them. I've been waiting for about one month and a half to get these shoes because they were sold out in my size but as it turns out it was a seasonal style and now that they're gone, they're gone.
A little piece of me died when I saw that.
-sigh- Oh well.
Here's a picture for old times sake anyways. I envy those who got a pair.

I have to admit that I was a little late to the Toms game though, I didn't really take notice of them until about June-ish when this girl told me about the movement behind them and I've been down ever since. I just haven't felt the need to have a pair until I saw the Remarque's.
Because I couldn't get those I will probably go for either the Barletta Cordones or the Cortazar Cordones, we shall see very soon. Only thing that concerns me is the fact that I'm ordering online and I'm not too sure of the fit/feel and I don't want to get something out the way. Ya feel me?


Anyways I'm really into beanies too and now that winters coming in I'm looking at a few I might get. There's this Hurley one I'm definitely getting (shown to the right) and I saw a Quicksilver one I might cop as well but I'll have to see. I'm also in love with visor beanies and I own a black Tarheel one, a black Jack Daniels one, and a gray Halo 3 one. We'll see if my collection will grow anymore.

Also I'm a pretty casual dresser when it comes to clothes so I prefer tee's and collared shirts (i.e. polo's) but now I notice I'm shifting to tee's more and more simply because they're a lot more free, a lot less restricting. I saw a few shirts in PacSun and Hot Topic worth picking up and I even got a few online exclusives on the way right now. I really like this O'Neill one (shown to the left) but I think it looks too much like the other one I already ordered.  Volcom makes some really good tee's as well. Yes this is men's, I prefer men's tees over womens.

Lastly I'm feinding for a digital watch one, specifically a G Shock. This one is so hot, it's not colorful or anything, it's black (mostly 'cause I'm a simple kind of gal when it comes to clothing/accessories) anyways it's about $350 (so I won't be getting it any time soon). The official model number is "G7710-1". Or there's this atomic one I'm totally down for too called the "GW700BRJ-1A". It's highlighted in rose gold yo.





There are some jackets I'd like to cop too, I want a hoodie, a Northface, and a peacoat. I could go into specific details but jackets/coats are just something I DON'T buy on style alone because their ability to keep me warm, how they fit, and their overall ability to match anything matters to me too.


Now that you got a little taste of my style let me know wassup wit yo closet.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

The Past Week in Review and a Preview of the Upcoming week.

Last week was an extremely busy week so I'll let you know how things went with the exception of Halloween (which was so shitty it deserved it's own separate post!). Anyways I'll start off with Thursday because the rest of the week I was just busy with work and school and I don't want to bore you with that crap. Thursday, the 29th I attended my first drag show at Carolina which was effin' awesome! It was epic, I truly enjoyed it, like words can't describe it you just have to experience it. Hear are a few pictures from the event:

Yes I understand the pictures kind of suck but I'm no professional photographer and it was hard to catch them in still moment since they were performing. All in all it was a great show. (I have a lot more photos but that's quite enough).





Then that night I went to the club, my first time going in CH and it was quite an enjoyable experience plus I didn't have to get up until 11am on Friday so I was very well rested. Overall Thursday was an excellent day!

Onto Friday which was another experience. The day was basically like any other until I went to the ZTA pig pickin' which had some of the best BBQ I'd had in a while. It successfully reminded me of Family Reunion and how excited I am for next year. After that I went to the Pauper Players play named "Wild Party" which I thought was really good especially for an all-student ran organization. The plot was a LITTLE thin but the acting made up for it so I was okay. I made like 10 new friends that night and went to watch "Rocky Picture Horror Show" for the first time which I thought was pretty funny. My favorite song is the "Time Warp". Haha.

Saturday got a blog of it's own.



Sunday I didn't do much except go see Fabolous at the homecoming concert and I thought he gave us a great show. I'm not a Fabo afficianado but I'm pretty fluent in his music and I especially liked his last album. I liked the show and even though I wasn't supposed to I got a photo of him and here it is. This was taken during his last song which was "Throw It In the Bag [Remix]".






A Week In Preview:
Well this week is homecoming and I know for certain I'll be going to the exhibition basketball game on Friday and some party Friday night. Saturday I'll likely either go participate in the parade with GLBTSA or go watch the parade on Franklin. Then I'll be at the football game to watch us "level the devils!" Anything after that is up for grabs. Sunday I'm going to go see former UNC student Anoop Desai. All week long I'll participate in pit events thrown by the school if I have time. Then onto another school week.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

On Halloween It Sucks to Be a Tarheel

Like seriously yo, Halloween on the hill sucked major.
Shutting down Franklin Street to run up and down it looking at costumes gets old after like 5 seconds.
It's also lame because there are 10 and 12 year olds out there being annoying. Plus grown ass adults bring their 5 and 6 year olds like they don't have any common sense either.
And if that's not bad enough there are freakin' pervs in front of every window and on every corner standing there with their cameras waiting for girls to walk by in their "slutty" outfits. I even saw one guy trying to take a picture up a girls dress.
Quite disgusting.
The only way Franklin Street is fun on Halloween is if you pre-game because honestly when you're wasted what isn't funny?
If that's not the worst of it the stupid frat parties were exclusive as hell because you either had to have a wristband or be on the list. How lame is that? If you don't want outsiders coming in just have them show their onecard douche.

What's so bad about that is that here, at UNC, we all know that the likelihood of you getting onto one of those lists or getting a wristband without being Caucasian is extremely slim. Point blank.
This is coming from someone who hates when people play the "race card" but I have to say that in this case it's resoundingly true. The diversity exists at UNC but the races are segregated (that's a whole 'nother blog though).
To top it all off the police made me throw my broom (I was Professor McGonagall) in the bushes because it could be considered a weapon. How stupid is that? My effin' cell phone is heavier than that damn broom was!

Overall that night was pretty shitty and I know for certain next year I'll be at someone else's university or at home in Charlotte.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Bear With Me

So I know it's been a minute since I've posted but I've been real busy trying to be a studious college kid a shit. Hold out until after Halloween (which I'm excited about) and I should be goodie. To slightly amuse yourself look at this cute picture that matches my title:

&& I'm out.

-- lexy. 

"She's Nothing Like A Girl You've Ever Seen Before"

Soooooooooo "Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta (feat. Akon) is just beginning to hit the U.S. and I looovvveeee the song. (Some would argue this point but whatever).

My friends have a really good description of this song, it's so funny but I'm afraid if I explain it here the comedy will be lost so just ask when you see me in person if you're that interested. =]







And then there are other songs/singles that I'm absolutely in love with right now including (but not limited to)
{blue = new, red = semi-new, yellow = old, green = throwback} :

• 3 - Britney Spears
• Infinity (Klass Vocals Mix) - Guru Josh Project
• Timebomb - Beck
• Dance Like A Freak - DJ Class
• Hotel Room Service - Pitbull
• Under (Morgan Page Remix) - (I'm not sure of the artist)
• Money Honey, I Like It Rough, and Starstruck (feat. Flo Rida) [3 different songs] - Lada Gaga
• Chillin' - Wale (feat. Lady Gaga)
• XR2 - M.I.A.
• Girls On the Dance Floor - The Far East Movement
• Kiss My Sass - Cobra Starship
• Now That We're Done - Metro Station
• Sooner Than Later - Drake 
• Intention (Edit) - Josh Gabriel
• Oh Sheila - Ready for the World

Whoa... this list is getting out of hand. Lol.

I love sooooooooooooooo much music.

I can't help it. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

Oh My God, You Can't Breathe? I'm SO Sorry

I've had trouble sitting down to write this blog for quite a few days now. I can't get the words to come to me... more like the title. I don't like writing things and giving them whack ass titles. I'd rather leave them untitled before I do that.

Not the point though.

I've been thinking and I noticed that I'm super clingy when it comes to my friends.

I'm a 'loaner' in most aspects but then again I'm not.... honestly I'm everything and it's contradiction but that's another blog altogether. Anyways I cling to my friends and I have super high expectations of them even though I know that honestly they have no real ties to me outside of the ones they create. I expect these really high rates of communication and to hang out with me frequently and it's really bad. I have to remind myself that my friends are simply friends and nothing more. I have to say I'm sorry if I'm ever too much to bear but it's in my nature. I've never had many friends and the ones I do have I would really love to keep and not lose contact with (which is another flaw of mine: hating change but that too is another topic). Sometimes I question if it's truly a negative thing though because I feel like friends should value each other and what not but maybe that too is another high expectation. I don't know, maybe my standards are too high and maybe I've got my shit all twisted. It's real hard for me sometimes to read people's expectations.

But before I start rambling the main purpose is to say I'm sorry in advance to my friends if I'm ever too clingy or I begin to suffocate you because it's in my nature and I don't mean to ['cause we all know clinginess is 'unattractive' (for a lack of a better word)].

&& I'm out.

-- lexy. 

Re-creation Was Only An Illusion

In high school I remember constantly talking about getting a fresh start and beginning anew as if going to college was synonymous with a blank slate or fresh start but just as I feared it was not. I fell into the trap of acting like me instead of carving a new being, becoming a blank slate where no one knew me. Ugh. I missed my chance and now I've got to deal with what I've got until I get the chance again. And no one of this is to say I haven't liked the people I met or made new friends its just to say that I'm overall disappointed with the way I've handled the recreation of me.

Unlike this picture where the sun is peeking through I failed to begin anew.

I mean I even stayed the same so much that I even let myself fall into that trap of liking someone that will never feel the same about me, something I promised I wouldn't do... It's fucking annoying. Yuck. And this is me being me.

And I guess I'm stuck with it.

&& I'm done.
-- lexy.

Ay Nerds Like It Too

There seems to be this notion that nerds don't like sex or sexual contact and that'd be a mistake to make that assumption.

*****Hold Up.... This is completely out of character but it needs to be said.*****

Like I was saying just because I tend to like Star Wars, playing video games, and knowing odd facts doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person. And just because I'm not talking about it constantly or that it's not my every thought (or every other thought) doesn't mean sex repulses me. I mean I'm no prude by any means I just don't feel the need to publicize my desires. I'm an adult and adults don't splash their business everywhere like a splatter painting. I'm just speaking for myself here though, as a fellow nerd.

&& That's all
-- lexy.

All The Things I Should Have Said

As I slowly tell my friends more and more about my peculiar habits and odd ways I feel like these are people I've been waiting to meet my entire life. They don't judge me and for that I'm grateful.

Anyways I really hate writing without a point and here I am doing just that today, with no clear direction.
I noticed I have a problem. I always talk about how I'm socially awkward (although no one agrees) and here's an example:

I greet a table of people of whom I know two people. I say "hello ___ & ____. hey everybody else."

There's problem number 1, why did it seem okay to say "hello everyone else"? I mean thinking back on it it seems incredibly rude but then it would have been worse not to greet them at all. I could have perhaps made eye contact with everyone and greeted them all at once with a hearty "hey, wassup?".

Okay so the two I spoke to responded and then I stand there, confused about my next action. Do I stand there and converse or do I walk away. I chose the latter. I walked away feeling disillusioned but here's where the paranoia kicks in. As soon as I step away from the table I begin to wonder if they're talking about me, actually convinced they're laughing at me. And there lies problem 2. My paranoia complex which I presented a blog or two ago. Does everyone experience anxiety like this? Am I not alone? Or is everyone else comfortable enough not to care? And then at the end of the day I go back through and analyze every social interaction I've had that day and analyze it for ways I could have strengthened my responses and things I can avoid for tomorrows interactions. Therein lies problem 3. Why am I analyzing conversations that have passed for flaws and ways I can strengthen them like it's a rough draft of a paper? Ugh. It's so frustrating and QUITE exhausting. Even when I honestly don't want to analyze I do, I just can't help myself. Anxiety of this level can not be good for you. Problem number 4 lies in the fact that I can't help myself when it comes to apologizing even though I advocate for people to apologize left. I later apologized to that group of people on another day trying to explain my situation (and that too didn't come out quite right). Problem 5 kicks in after the apologies, if that didn't go quite right and I deem the entire conversation a fuck up then I overcompensate by trying to have an extra good conversation which generally leads to social fau pauxs (sp?) the next time I see you or worse I avoid you until I think you've forgotten (and even then when we talk I'm wondering if your thinking about it). Problem 6 comes in the face of me overcompensating -- poor word choice. My diction sucks and I'm generally a well-spoken individual, just not so much when it comes to myself.  So I think I may need treatment for this and it's part of the reason I'm a loner, being around people just tends to put me out, like I can't function properly because I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I always get the feeling I leave shitty first impressions which is why I'm always shocked when someone wants to be my friend.

Trouble with all this tends to be that I'm doing nothing but tiring myself out.
I think it's long overdue I give a big shout out/thanks to KB H. just 'cause she encouraged me to blog again. Probably wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Cheers to blogging without a purpose.
 |
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 V

&& I'm Out
-- lexy.

Oh The Things I Could Be

But will never be continue to haunt me.

People claim they love me but I've heard that many time before...

And all the times those words have hurt.

Putting far too much trust in humans and anything they say.

Friends should always be there and not only when they want you to be there.

And I know I've said it a thousand times but I hope I'm not annoying you...

Forgive me for I'm clingy since I've never had a friend as sincere as thee.

Even though I'm doubtful of your intentions too.

So because I'm leery but mostly scared

I'll guard my own heart with a lock and key.

I'll swallow it and no one will ever open.

Oop.

I hope I'm not annoying you with my back and forth tactics.

Now I'm confusing even me 'cause

I just wanted a dear friend and now I've got more than I've bargained for.

I've developed a love for you nothing could ever replace.

So I'll just stay and keep being friends

'cause it's all I've got

and probably all I'll ever get from you.

Even though a stylish kid like you should be interested in a nerd like me.

Oh the things WE could be.

[And I understand all too well it will never come to pass but I will always be there].
&& I love you.

-- lexy. 

Dude! Quit Staring at Me -- It's Making Me Nervous

Let me start by saying I have a paranoia complex.

Whatever that means right?

No seriously, I'm ridiculously self conscious AND I always think people are talking about me...always.
Simply put, I'm just not socially fit.

At this school the honor code is stressed like no other.
I feel like we're in Orwell's 1984 where Big Brother is watching me at all times.
Like while I surf the internet
and listening to me as I converse with friends or when I'm on the phone.
And don't say it's illegal.
'Cause our government is full of shit these days and I don't trust it.
Obama or not.
I feel like I'm being watched right now too.
I don't wanna do anything to dirty or treacherous because I'm so sure I'll be arrested or that I'll be called up to honor court.
And just something about that word "court" that makes a black person sweat. I don't wanna be in court.
Maybe I'm over reacting but

I could swear Big Brother's watching.
And if it turns out to be true. I won't say I told you so, I don't need to, you'll already know as I'll have been called up to honor court for all those times I questioned them and the morals of this university.
One pretends to be high and on good standing but this university is just as corrupt as everything else.
And no I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm just a paranoid college kid with a knack for detecting bullshit.
How else will they know if you illegally download?
They watch.
By posting this I may lose credibility.
You may question my sanity.
And you may laugh at me.
But this is my spot. A place for wizardry (and wishful thinking) and sometimes poetry.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Imma Stab Yo Ass

Excuse my grammar, I don't usually speak that way. Haha.
Thing is though in my English class today we talked about gun control and my one problem with the argument is that it always seems to be to one extreme or the other. We either have to be gun slingers or no guns at all, what ever happened to meeting in the middle? I think that's the one thing we've forgotten as Americans in general. Hell, I know I have, I'm used to my way or the highway. Unfortunately there'd be billions of "highways" with no clear direction if the world worked that way. Onto my point.

I bet your wondering why I would name my blog something so violent and direct. Well to simply put it: violence isn't limited to any one weapon particularly guns. I understand that guns can desensitize any individual and allow them to be a little more detached from the crime but at any rate PEOPLE pull the triggers not the guns themselves. I mean mysterious little ghosts don't just pull the triggers. I agree that they probably should be a little more regulated but the fact remains that regardless of regulations 'imma git chu' one way or another.'  If the extremists on the left get their way then a clean sweep of guns will be done and people should be a lot safer. Not. Sorry. Because next thing you know everyone will carry around little sheaths with hunting (or bigger) knives. True you have to be closer to stab someone than you ever would with a gun but still if I want you gone I got chu. Maybe people will get like some street gangs and carry around machetes, won't that be great. And then the people will outcry again saying that the knives killed people and government will obey our wishes and sweep them off the market too and force you to cut your Thanksgiving turkey with kitchen scissors (imagine that!). Then we'll be back to the old school weapons like crowbars, bats, golf clubs,etc. hell we can throw in sharpened tree branches. These too will be regulated and registered as the people outcry about people getting bludgeoned to death. And finally we'll be relegated back to good ole fashioned fist fights. And one day your fists too will have numbers imprinted on them to make sure they don't magically knock a homie out. Take a breath.

Well this scenario is the EXTREME "utopia" view and I pray that it'll never go as far as that but here's my second point: people need to STOP blaming guns and look at themselves when it comes to peoples misfortunates and mishaps. I understand that small children don't know the difference but once again instead of blaming guns maybe parents should stop dishing their responsibilities to television and teach their kids some common sense and ON TOP OF THAT put your colt .45 in a damn LOCK SAFE. or in a place you know for certain your kid can't get to (for YOU barely remember it's there) and I'm not talking about the top of your closet. Honestly though with good parenting your kid shouldn't even want to touch a gun because my grandparents had guns my entire life (even when I lived with them) and I never felt the urge to play with it.

My overall goal is just to show the American people that in cases like this regulation won't do a damn thing to stop the violence, it's just like kids in search of the next 'cool' trend, illusive and once grasped dropped for the next thing. Trust me the limiting of guns won't stop people from killing each other, they'll do that anyways. It'll just stop people from buying guns.

***this is in no way endorsing the sale of machine guns or other extremely dangerous weapons, those SHOULD be regulated. This is just to address the argument that "guns kill."***

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Memoirs of Another Life

Often when I listen to music (of a certain tempo/content) I get lost in it and begin to daydream in which I find myself visualizing and vividly experiencing things that have never happened to me (or perhaps have yet to occur to me). I had long since equated this to reincarnation not only because these things were so vivid but because I had knowledge far beyond my years even at a young age (and this is not only by my account). I have to say that if this is so in my other life I must have been one hell of an individual with a hard life because the things I see are rarely pleasant or happy. What's more is that often when I have these visions its so real that I'm only snapped out of them by multiple calls of my name or by a loud noise. It's sometimes scary. Another thing that comes along with this is the fact that I've seriously always thought I was going to die young, even since I was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old. I don't know why but I just do. It's like this overwhelming feeling of knowing (but of course no one believes me). It'd be a stretch to say I've envisioned the way it's going to happen but often it's tragic. Maybe that's just me wanting to be seen. I dunno.

I digress.

Is it possible that I could be seeing my future life though? Or is that too radical, too far out there? For now I'll stick to it being the prior. In my prior life I was much more courageous and valiant exactly the opposite of what I am now. Here I'm the kid stuck in a rut who waits around on life to come to me --both romantically and socially speaking-- rather than taking the intiative in these situations. I'm too self-concious though, that's always been a problem for me (and probably always will be, I'm only human right?). At this point I have serious concerns about my long-term social life; I guess that will take care of itself though.

I went out this past weekend, to a party, two nights in a row and I had plenty-o-fun but I almost had a heart attack Saturday although I can't really divulge why. I realized though that I spend so much of my life trying to protect myself from hurt or rejection by fading into the background and keeping things to myself that I often only make it worse because I always then end up in impossible situations. Those situations generally frustrate me more. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to come out and say what I need to say...maybe I'll do it here.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

If I Ever Had a Glimmer of Happiness it's This:

Music.
Point blank.
Period.
I'm passionate as a mutha about it.
I play instruments and I'm admirer of music of all kinds.
I'm writing this to recommend a few ALBUMS to you guys.


<------ 1. Man on the Moon - Kid Cudi. A freshman effort definitely worth checking out. He has a story to tell and he tells it brilliantly backed up with excellent production. My faves happen to include the entire album except "Make Her Say" and "Enter Galactic" both of which have good content but just don't strike me like the rest do.
    





2. Brand New Eyes - Paramore. ----> It's a bit of a different sound for them but it works regardless. Once again the album is held together by good content. My absolute favorite song is "Misguided Ghost" though. It's on repeat.

    

<----- 3. The Fame- Lady Gaga.  There seem to be a few of you still sleeping on Lady Gaga and I just wanted to let you know you're crazy. Lol. For real though it's good, nothing left to say about it. "Starstruck", "Money Honey" "Paparazzi" and "I Like It Rough" are a few faves.
    

4. Swoon - Silversun Pickups.  ----> Maybe because I just love the lead singers raspy voice but still I love this album too. Don't sleep on SSPU b/c that'd be a mistake. Some of my favorites on here include the lead single "Panic Switch", "Draining" and "Growing Old Is Getting Old."





      

         Some other artists you should give a listen to are Drake (the rapper), Drake (the group that made the album "Dead Perspective"), Daft Punk, DJ Shadow, A.R. Rahman, Josh Gabriel, Santigold, and everyone's gotta love Michael Jackson. Oh I'd like you to also take a listen to Joshua Radin, Chairlift, and Wale. =]

Music and blogging are the only hopes I have left.












And I can't let anyone take those away from me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Waterworks

I never used to cry. Period.
I never even realized the weight of my very own teardrop.
And now I'm like a  god damn waterworks. When anything goes wrong it's like my body's natural response to cry.
What the fuck is that?
That's a weakness, something that shows I'm vulnerable.
Today I want to cry but I'm keeping the tears back.
I keep fucking up my life. I mean I have no one to blame but myself.

   I was late to work...by an hour.
   I skipped Geography.
   I fell asleep in English.
   I didn't go to sleep last night.
   I waited two weeks to do my laundry.
   I had to do a last minute assignment.


Maybe my daddy was right yo. I don't try hard enough but honestly this is the hardest I ever tried.
I'm nothin' but a fuck up.
That's what I feel like right now.
And all I wanna do is cry instead of trying to fix my problems.
Its so much easier to wallow in my despair.

&& that's all for now.
-- lexy.

And Just When I Thought the Stars Had Aligned...

...Things turn out not to be right.
Actually they turn out to be exactly how I left them.
Just when I thought change had come I realize I'm exactly how I was before, numb.
Still immune from the pain
Just seems like things can't change.

Honestly I had a new attitude, I thought I could be more assertive and I thought I could be open with the people I consider "friends". That all changes though when you open your mouth but you can't force the words to come out because you're scared what you say will forever alter the course of your relationship with them. You don't want people worried and you just rather not have this discussion. So like the wimp I am I close my mouth and hope to utter it another day. Fuck my reality yo and the pitiful being that I am.

I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. The things I advocate I truly believe but when it comes to myself it's like a whole new set of standards. Its like I'm stuck in a rut where I can't change anything and I'm destined to be that way... oh wait I don't believe in destiny. That means I'm creating one fucked up fate for myself.
I'm just blabbing now. I come back later...
When I have something more meaningful to say.

&& that's it.
-- lexy.

Speaking of Which...

Doesn't forbidding something only make the desire to have it, read it or do it stronger? I mean generally rebellion is frowned upon but rebellion in the sense of reading a banned book adds excitement to ones life as the person is reading to see just how much the book pushes the boundaries or for what reason it was banned. That makes a lot of sense doesn't it? With that said wouldn't an average observe be right (or not too far off) to say that banning, censoring, or challenging a book has the potential of making book sales skyrocket? Now I'm not one big on conspiracy theories and seeing as how I'm a writer myself I'd hate to implicate that a writer was writing a very provocative book simply for the hope of being banned, etc and then having high book sales. As a logical thinker as well that just doesn't make sense (but we all know people don't always use logic) because writing a novel is so exhausting, it takes too much out of you to be simply done for profit gain. You have to enjoy the process and then obviously the books are filled with beautiful content and excellent writing skills as they all get on the "NY Times best-seller list" or win Newberry medals. That theory is just too far fetched for my tastes.

I'm simply following up on my first post with something I thought of in relation to a book being banned.

&& that's all for now.
--lexy.

First Amendment Day

So today was First Amendment Day at my university (UNC) and I know that the 1st Amendment focuses on much more freedoms than the freedom of press but honestly I found that to be the most interesting aspect of today and the whole process leading up to today. Due to the few groups I'm in (and listservs) I knew the day was coming up but I was surprised when I went into Bull's Head (bookstore in Student Stores) the other day and saw the "Banned, Censored, and Challenged" section of books in the very front complete with explanations as to why they were challenged, banned or censored. I thought this very informative of the school but then I remembered that I'm no longer in high school but in a public institution where information is handed out freely and willingly. 

Anyways at that moment, upon seeing "Kite Runner" in this section and I bought it on a whim, now being the busy college student I am I have yet to have time to sit down and read it (hell I barely had time to study for my geography exam) but the point is I was enticed [to buy] by the fact that the book was banned.  I encouraged all of my Facebook friends and everyone I knew on campus to drop by and take a look because you might be surprised by what you see. Many of the books there I saw on the AP reading list last year or I had read myself such as "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury or "The Color Purple" by Alice Walker. Also Toni Morrison appeared twice with "Song of Solomon" and "Beloved" then Maya Angelou with "Why the Caged Birds Sing". Then there was "Kite Runner" (previously mentioned) by Khaled Hosseini. I was not surprised to see Harry Potter on the list as we live in a country with many, many religious zealots (for those who do not know, I am love with the HP series and deeply saddened by its end). Then there was "The Golden Compass" and a book by J.R.R. Tolken that WASN'T "Lord of the Rings" (I forget the title). And perhaps the most surprising was "Little Red Riding Hood" because it supposedly supports alcohol abuse since Red takes her grandmother wine and if that's not bad enough "Where the Wild Things Are" was on there too for "...psychoanalytic..." I was like, huh? You reading to deep. There were many more books but those were the ones I could remember off the top of my head. 


What struck me the most about the entire issue is the fact that all of this only leads me to further believe that our country is populated by many, many small-minded people who like being small-minded and closed off to other ideas and beliefs. It always strikes me as boring to be close-minded though, I like being open-minded and open to anything (at least once). I mean that's just how I was raised to be (perhaps I'm fortunate in that aspect). Point being that I think our country could benefit from our high school aged teens reading some provocative" books in order to get them to see other viewpoints since our classrooms don't always promote diversity and openness. I mean honestly how much can a book hurt a solidly founded individual? It can't, it simply opens them to other ideas and allows them to contemplate the issues and perhaps even have dialogue with the text (meaning respond to the text, mark that book up and analyze). I mean that's just my thought. 


As I said before I completely understand that there are other parts to the 1st Amendment and I support those too but I feel as though the freedom of press is one of significant importance because people are always trying to stifle one another's creative visions in writing when all you have to do is not read something if you don't like it. Don't take the pleasure away from someone who may enjoy the text. 


&& that's all for now.
-- lexy. 

Welcome Back

So I've had my laptop for a little minute now, broke it in and it's doing well. I decided I'd come on tonight and throw a lil' something on the blog. lol. I mean really I don't even like blogging or writing in general without a purpose, like I want it to be deep and thought provoking but I haven't felt like that in a while so Imma just go with the flow.

Like I said before: I feel like everything is falling into place with my life right now and I really couldn't ask for more. I'm loving it. However, I'm leaving in 3 days to go to South Carolina therefore I will be outta comission for about 2 weeks since my grandmother doesn't have internet. It won't be so bad though 'cause I got my phone. Lol. Anyways I'm a little bored with life like I wanna go somewhere new or do something new. Anyone have any suggestions?

So I guess I can tell you a little bit more about myself; I'm 17 years old and I just graduated from high school exactly 2 weeks ago. I will be attending the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill hopefully majoring in Computer Science. I'm all Tar Heel all day, I wasn't always that way though. Lol. Uhh I was born in Far Rockaway, NY and I love my hometown/state. Go NY! Besides that I dunno what else to say. I'm done for now I guess, I'm gonna go play L4D and maybe I'll return later. =]

Timing

Everything seems to be falling into place now. I just wanted to "show my face" because until I get a laptop I know I won't be blogging much because being on my dad's computer hurts my wrists/hands and neck. Sorry to slight the blog for the issue but I should be getting a brand spanking new one in approximately 2 days. Woohoo! 

Hello World

This is not my first attempt at blogging, as my blog title suggests, it's more like my 5 or 6 attempt. I currently blog on Facebook or write "notes" as they are called on there. This is just so my words can reach the masses. I hope that this time will be different for me, that this time I'll actually post regularly and update regularly. This is just my first post and a "Hi, I'm here" post. I have a project to do so I shall write again a little later. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.