a breath of fresh air

today was pride. I'm still awake. I have yet to go to sleep from yesterday and I had to drink a five hour energy but that's okay 'cause I loved it. it was like a breath of fresh air in it all.
in the heteronormative world we live in where the fight for rights is continual.
where the fight for live is continual.
it was a breath of fresh air to someone like me whose been under the weather for quite some time now.
a burst of energy for those who felt like they had none left.
a canvas for those who thought they weren't creative.
an outlet for those who are scared of what others may think.
a home for those who feel like an interloper everywhere else.
a place for outrageousness.
a place where everyone is loved.
a place where I felt at home.

pride was amazing, it was my first one but it was so great to see so many people out and people bought out their children and babies too. that was encouraging.
it was great to see that streets got blocked off and police escorts were provided for our day of celebration too. it was great to see so many people so jovial. everything was so amazing.
there were plenty of flaws in sight but the amazingness swallowed them whole and I will always cherish this day no matter what.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

and so it still exists

this university every year never ceases to show me that racism still exists.
this girl indirectly told me she was racist last night on the p2p and that it was intrinsic, she couldn't help it. I never knew ignorance and hatred came natural.
anyways I've never felt so marginalized but in my tiredness I couldn't respond. couldn't lash back. for you see I had only had 2 hours of sleep the night before and it was then 11 p.m. I was beat. she caught me on the right day and good for me I suppose because any other day I would have slapped her ass.
so for those of you who question whether race is still relevant just look to me to let you know.
on a happier note today was payday and I can finally stop feeling so shitty about my bank account.
I live a true paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. some would say but not really 'cause you've got your parents but not me. they live one too. we aren't that well off. so I depend on others and that's a blow to the psyche. it sucks.
I haven't got much to say though. just that it was an okay day today. life seems like it can be okay. like I can breathe a little more.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

when will it end?

it's been "three" days since I've posted and I apologize. I've been trying to update every other day but sometimes it's really hard with my busy life especially since I like to post very thought provoking, heartfelt blogs.

today I read "a very hungry girl" by jessica weiner, yet another book for women's studies. it was depressing at first but then she actually gave us solutions at the end. she makes it seems like the tunnel actually has a light at the end. I still feel crappy though and often times I feel as though life has defeated me, like I want to throw up that white flag of surrender but my friends won't let me. mainly haley and trinh. so I would like to give a very special thanks to them. continuing though I'm supposed to be going back to cws this morning but I'm really apprehensive and sort of ashamed. . .why you may ask, that is because I did this same thing last year. I feel ashamed that I'm needing this help again, that I've let myself slip so far off the bandwagon. it hurts and it sucks. now that I'm writing this I kind of don't even want to be talking about it at all especially not with the internet but I've learned that if we share our stories we can prevent someone else from experiencing our immense pain.

I don't exactly know how to explain it except mood swings but generally at one moment I can be happy, okay, ambitious, ready to tackle the world and literally moments later I'm full of rage, hate and anger and once that phase passes I swiftly move into sadness. it usually lasts much longer than the other phases, ranging from hours to days. a sadness that is filled with despair and hate of my very being, every single thing that makes up me. eventually that hate builds up to intense suicidal thoughts and impulses in which I am on the verge of throwing myself into traffic or jumping from a tall building (both of which are highly accessible on unc's campus). my friends though knowing how close I am to losing my sanity are constantly looking out, watching and stopping me. they stop me but it doesn't stop the intensity of the feelings. the only thing that does that is sleep or music but sleep is highly elusive since my mind is usually racing with thoughts making music the default. it only quells the feelings and thoughts though, nothing completely gets rid of them. in this stage I'm usually very antisocial and mean. I hate it, I push my friends away and isolate myself exactly what I don't want nor need. I have no idea where this came from and why it's so intense this semester. sometimes I think it's this campus, I don't know. the pretentious bitches who walk around making us all feel bad about ourselves.

it's like here I am nothing. I have nothing. no special talents, no extraordinary writing ability, no physical beauty, no charisma, no academic success or anything. I am average, if that. it's hard to feel special here, especially for me. I feel constantly marginalized by other people. I am fat, I am ugly, I am undesirable. I feel these things on a daily basis and no matter how many times I confide in my dad he comes at it with a firm hand rather than understanding and in the end it just makes it all worse and makes the self loathing stronger. I have no assets, I have nothing to offer this world is what I constantly feel like and I don't know how much longer my mind can withstand such a beating. . .

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

My Thoughts May Just Be The Death of Me

last night I was up far too late as usual because I took a nap earlier and I was thinking about the phone conversation I had with my dad earlier that day. I called him to catch up because it had been far too long since we'd had a conversation of substance. at any rate we were chatting and what not and I was talking about the triangle pride parade this coming weekend except I didn't say that. I just said "yea there's a parade this weekend so I don't think you all should come up." my dad's always been the nosey/inquisitive type so he asked if there was a holiday this weekend and I was like "yes, sort of. I mean", exactly like that. the next thing he said was "are you in a place where you don't feel safe talking about it?" I thought, wtf? no. if anything the people here all rush to the gay pride but to him I simply said "no, it's the triangle pride parade." pause. it's not as if my parents don't know, I mean they do it's just that the conversation is always awkward and I would just prefer not to talk about it with them plain and simple so whenever I do gay things I just say it and move on or don't bother telling them. resume. he then says "well you know we're okay with your choice. . ." I really don't remember much of what he said after that because I was so irked by that comment that I was off the phone within a minute later. the one thing I really pushed to them about my sexuality was that it was not something I chose, it just was. and he says that all the time, every single time he brings it up and it's quite annoying. it's disrespectful and honestly it leads me to believe he is not really okay with it, he's just saying that to say it. I was so irritated by the conversation I didn't even think about the fact that he said my family wouldn't be home for my birthday even though I would (another blow to the face). I was supposed to call my mom and nana after that but I just couldn't because I was so agitated.

it was later while I was thinking that it would be a lot easier than people think for me to become estranged from the majority of my family just because of their silly opinions, sexist attitudes and ridiculousness. I love them and they helped me a lot while growing up but they also hindered me and hurt me too. and continue to do it even when I inform them, making them better informed people! that means they make conscientious decisions to further hurt me and say mean things and honestly I don't want to be associated with such nonsense. I don't hate them, I never could but I strongly dislike their actions and the opinions they display sometimes. so until I see a change. I won't be putting myself in harms. *shrugs*

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Why I'm No longer Eating at Thanksgiving

at t-giving I'll no longer be participating in the talk around the dinner table, chowing down on baked ham, dressing and cranberry sauce or taking that after dinner nap.

why you may ask. well it's simple: blatant sexism. the men in my family believe heavily in gender roles and I refuse to take a part in the laziness they exude every year at thanksgiving. every year the women slave in the kitchen the night before and day of cooking all those dishes and making sure everything is perfect. and every year the women serve the men their dinners and every year the men eat their food, pat their stomachs, yawn, get up and push away from the table to go lie on the couch and watch football or smoke or whatever. and what do the women do after they've slaved over the stove, served them, and eaten themselves? they then proceed to march back in the kitchen and wash scores of dishes. the huge pots all the food was in, the plates we ate off, and the silverware we ate with. it's utterly ridiculous and I REFUSE to participate in it anymore. if I don't eat, I don't have to take a part in that cleanup madness. don't the men think that the women are perhaps a little tired after two days of cooking? or do they just not care at all? I honestly believe it's the latter. I constantly bring it up and they either laugh or brush me off as just a rebellious teenager.
well no more will I be laughed at or brushed off.

will it suck to smell all that delicious food and know that I am not allowing myself to partake in it? yes it will but it can and will be done. these men need to learn I am nobody's servant and just like I have two hands to wash a dish, so do you. so you can shove your chauvinistic, sexist, bigoted point of view up your ass for all I care. and the women are just as guilty because they LET their men get away with it and what do they do while they let them get away with it? they complain! ha! I will no longer listen to the complaints and I will no longer watch those fellows sit idly by. I will take matters into my own hands and prove a point because at this thanksgiving I won't be eating.

besides who needs all that fattening food in one day anyway?

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

Lovely Carolina

majority of the time when I walk around this school, if I'm being honest, I strongly dislike. the people are pretentious, judgmental and rude if your not in the upper crust of society. other than that people are just straight up rude, walking into you, stepping on you, pushing you and taking whatever liberties they want never expecting and lashing back or repercussions.

secondly the faculty and staff here value athletics above everything else. consistently year, after year the school sees growth in enrollment, an overstuffed lenoir, shortage of beds and the likes. yet the first project they decide to tackle on campus is the fact that kenan stadium needs more box/club/whatever seats. and on game days students get their spots (which they paid $300) preempted JUST so some drunken alumni can go to the fucking game. fuck them, what about my damn car? and don't encourage me to take my car home because you never know where someone lives, what will they do with their car? I especially hate how crowded it gets, how bold bitches get, and how they push you out of the way. athletes get that special training and tutoring (which has now come under fire) to make sure they pass they classes whereas me? I'm just a number at this stupid ass school. people don't know my name and never will. I hate how in america athletes are shoved above everything else just because the benefits of education don't immediately become evident.

honestly I spend more time wishing I had went to a different school more than anyone should and if I could do it all again with this knowledge I would. transfer you say? never that because the overbearing, over-the-top, unnecessary academics keep my gpa just shitty enough to only to be able to stay here. at any rate this ol' lovely carolina is where I call home. =\

-- Lexy

In the End, it All Stays the Same

I realized the other day as I was in a state. in a state of what you may ask and I wish I could tell you but I don't know what the state is. maybe it's sleepiness and subconscious fears or maybe it was just me zoning out, at any rate it's the same state I'm in now. one in which the screen is blurring as I type and my mind is numb. none of this is the point. the point is that I realized people can claim not to be superficial all the want but in the end they are. I realize how hard it will be for me with all my flaws and what not to ever get someone to look at me past friendship. people love the "normal" views on beauty with the size 0 waistline, model walk and conformative attitude. it works for most no matter how "different" they claim they are. day in and day out I meet new people and all of the virtually that same in that attitude. it's actually quite ashame and it makes me sad but some of the burden is my own to bear. with my negative views on myself and rude mannerisms to cover up said negative views. I look around and then I look at myself realizing that I'm in a harsh cycle in which I'm constantly valued lower in society than the average person. it worries me. it makes me wonder, will all our work and our pushes toward equality ever be worth it? will it ever come to fruition? I doubt so people like me will continue to suffer while the beautiful people with terrible personalities continue to win. =\

-- Lexy

the lives we live

as I read for women's studies tonight I realized that dorothy allison is overwhelming right. it's the first time I've cried about my life since last semester when I got my shit together. it is now that I realize like her there is so much in my life that I have worked to forget and cover up. only because it is scary to think about them and you wonder what your life would be like if you were to allow yourself to fully get over them and not let them affect you now. honestly though can that even happen seeing as how your experiences shape you? at any rate the overwhelming experiences that I had in middle school all came flooding back to me. sure I talk about them but I talk about them from a disassociated stance as though it happened to someone else. so as I was reading I thought  about the extensive bullying I experienced from everyone around me including my close family. I thought about the number of times I was used and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I thought about the times my mother ignored me and tossed me aside for her sister and I thought about the time my grandmother decided I wasn't important enough to visit in the hospital. I thought about the fact that I was coming into my sexuality but instead of embracing it I hid it, picked at others whom I thought to be queer and became deeply christian. I thought about the conditions I lived in and how hard my father worked to change it all for me. I love him for it but it just honestly wasn't enough. and I thought about how the culmination of all of this led to a very long drawn out case of severe clinical depression and how it led me to contemplate suicide constantly. the reading struck a cord in me. I never thought I would have to experience those things again. what's funny is that I've come to terms with things such as being gay/genderqueer/queer/whatever I'm currently identifying as and all the stigmata that comes along with it. that I've come to find a home in that community more than I ever has as a woman or a black person. the queer community will probably always be my home too because the social anxiety I experience around both black people and large amounts of women are both overwhelming. however, I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened to me back then and maybe that's an immature me saying that but to get over those things would cause me to admit things I've never admitted to anyone and to examine a part of my life I'd rather leave buried. and it may seem that by writing this blog I'm not doing that but I've discussed nothing in depth nor do I intend to and I've still not said many of the shameful and hurtful things that happened. my point is that I love my family from a distance now and it left me yearning for attention. it left me with a vulnerability that I hate. it left me with poor coping habits and little trust for any human being. it left me with a fear of rejection. it left me with battered emotions and a flaming temper. it left me with only negative effects. many say that experiences are needed for character but I'd rather not build my character that way. I'd rather no child build their character that way. no child should ever experience that amount of dispair and loneliness or that much hatred for ones self. I am understanding today in part because of it but mostly because I would never want anyone to feel the amount of intolerance I've felt.

&& that's all.
- lexy