Wicked and Interstella 5555

today my besty, his parents, and I went to see wicked, the play about the wicked witch of the west, and let me tell you it was excellent! I absolutely loved it, I will now watch the wizard of oz in a whole new light because if this story is true then really the wicked witch wasn't really wicked at all. she was just labeled as so for her green skin and because her good deeds always ended horribly. but I shant tell you too much 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for anyone. just know it was wonderful and I'm very grateful to have received the chance to go because I've been wanting to for a very long time. =D

on another note I just got done watching interstella 5555 again (I've seen it in the past) and it's just a beautiful as I remembered it and as always it was a tear jerker. I love how dp layed their tracks to the animation and I believe the story was wonderful even with the absence of dialogue. the end is always so cute with the cute looking dolls. anyways my favorite part has to be the part when the little kids paint themselves blue outside of the hospital and wave to the "crescendolls". I just think the movie overall has a lot of emotion to it and it's just another reason to love dp if you don't love them already. honestly though this movie boosted me out of a sad place because of some events that occurred this evening so I'm glad to have watched it and been able to find some ground again. it's also very inspiring, helped my ass to get on here and blog 'cause I wasn't going to. 

which reminds me I'm back on the meds 'cause me managing my emotions was not working out right. like I want to so badly but uh I could easily find myself slipping away into that abyss and I really don't think I could handle that again so after a 2 week lapse I'm back on them. trying to think of more things to say but I'm coming up empty so that's all for now folks.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

Such a Big Ego

one of the most complex things about the human race would have to be pride and egos because while they may seem nice and simple on the outside they are complex things that can turn a simple, logical issue into a much more complex one.

the issue with the human mind is that we like for things to be black and white but at the same time we would like for people's understanding and sometimes their help. that is when our pride and our egos aren't getting in the way of receiving much needed help. so to a certain degree I feel we shouldn't even have egos. there have been several times in which had a received help much sooner the situation would not have been abysmal. hell there have been times where I didn't seek out help at all and those situations ended horribly. see the issue was that my pride/ego (which I find to be so intertwined you could never separate the two) got in my way of asking for help. my ego has even caused me to belittle others and hurt their feelings. the ego is capable of much. this is not to say that you have no control over your thoughts and yourself because that is not true at all, you very much so have control of yourself but I am saying that egos often consume people that are caring and compassionate. it's like the individual knows that they need help but can't push their ego aside to ask for it, so as not to seem weak. on the other end it's like the person uses their large ego and supposed superiority to compensate for themselves in another area and put down others who may not be as strong in that area. it's easy to explain, impossible to fix.

I'd like for them to disappear all together 'cause then people could get on as a whole better but they won't so until then I suggest we all learn to cope a little more and take a tiny step back when we realize ourselves getting sucked into our egos. but wait, this is assuming that the whole ego thing is rational, which it isn't so yea.

Everything is Intertwined

I've been trying to think of something to post for a few days now and I've had some topics lined up but I just hadn't had the time or zest I'd had for the other things I'd posted lately but as I was reading the end of "Prep" for the bajillionth time it came to me.

I mean it's the first "book" I've read in a while seeing as how I've been hung up on graphic novels and comics lately and honestly it's very refreshing and I do love them. but I had a desire to read a book and as I do every summer I pulled "Prep" from the bookshelf. I love that book more than words can express. whenever I read books without pictures my imagination conjures up each and every scene in vivid detail and at this point I feel as though I know ault's classes, hallways, lunch room and dorms like the back of my hand. very much like I know things at UNC.

See the thing is though, me and Lee have a connection, I understand her timidness, I understand her anxiety and fears no matter how ridiculous it may be and every time I read the exchange between her and cross near the end I admire the beauty (and plainness) in which the dialogue was written. it was perfect for two teenagers. at any rate I feel myself shedding a tear for lee because I always feel as though a part of her died in that moment and it's always when I truly realize how much the prep school society had broken her socially.

it makes me wonder how differently I might be if I had went to a boarding school or prep school. I seriously considered it for the majority of my high school career, even in eleventh grade when it was essentially too late. I always got the packets in the mail and had even filled out the app but I never sent it in. I often wonder how different my life could have been. would I have come out sooner? would I have had a girlfriend? would I be smarter? would I be as lovable as I am? would I have grown such an affinity for music? would I be a hard worker instead of a lazy ass? and most importantly would I have grown to love writing so much? this all goes back to the title about how everything is intertwined, every decision is a domino effect for the next one and they must all fall into place for things to go correctly. or whatever that means.

I mean I have a lot of regrets about high school. I hated mine and still do. I often feel inadequate and I hate myself for not being able to do things my fellow peers can such as play instruments, swim, etc. it's like I have no distinguishing talent because let's be honest authors are a dime a dozen. do you know how many people are above average writers? far too many for me to consider myself talented or great at writing. so a lot of days I feel inadequacy and this is something I grapple with on a daily basis. something that no matter how many times I talk it over with my father will never understand. I am inadequate and that's the truth. high school was the cause of a lot of that too, it's like no matter how much I preached non-conformity I did it to a certain extent and I regret it. I wish I had worked harder, done more, gone off to nccsm or something. sometimes I'm really jealous of those kids though, they have a bond like no other. a bond I've never been able to form with a friend. actually the only person I've formed a serious bond with in my life is a girl whom I was once in love with, dated, etc. that's a whole nother story.

sometimes I wish I had taken the chance and mailed that app off and ditched the ease and familiarity of my high school because I grew to hate it so much. it's sad. I seriously wish I could do my entire life over sometimes. I've made so many mistakes. it's like I'm one large fuck-up sometimes.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Still I Wait

sometimes I can feel so distant from everyone and everything. it's quite a contradiction actually because I'm always surrounded by people. like even when I want a break I'm surrounded. and when I'm with people I can't help but get this overall feeling that no one I know gets it. it's so worrisome. then I have friends whom when I met them were perfectly okay 'cause I was in a shit place in my life too but now? nah. I'm okay and I don't need friends whose only interest is in wallowing in their despair. it gets old and annoying. I also have no interest in friends who, because they hate themselves so much, can only point out the flaws and annoyances of others. it's so annoying (how ironic). so annoying. hard to ditch a friend once you've made them though. at any rate still I wait for the person who will sweep into my life and be good for me.

I realize I say I don't wanna wait but it's all I've been doing anyways. how do we pass the time in the meantime though? sit around waiting and moping? because essentially that's what I've been reduced to because I refuse to become desperate and accept anything. smh. oh well.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

High School Revisited

today I decided that I would revisit my old high school and see a few faculty members and despite how much I hated wc it's quite hilarious to observe the ignorance going on in that school mostly displayed by the students. anyways when I first arrived I was immediately bought back to the harsh reality of that school and I even sat in my car scared to get out due to the large amount of ignorance and ghettoness that was surrounding me. eventually my besty talked me into getting out and I walked up to the main office. . . the buildings were the same, nothing had changed there but the overall atmosphere was different and somehow (no matter how wrong it may be) I couldn't help but feel a little better than some of the kids inhabiting that school. there are some who just don't deserve to be there because they don't wanna help themselves.

at any rate I visited the guidance office first and received a lot of ragging because of my lip piercing but overall everyone was happy to see me and excited to find out how life at carolina was. I ran into a lot of people I knew and they were cool and most of them I am proud of because they're trying to do much better than west charlotte can ever offer or even prepare you far. next stop was my old favorite, ms. fils-aime. she's such an amazing teacher. great personality and what not, very cool but she also lays down the law and gets her job done no matter what. I basically spent the rest of my time with her laughing and watch her run junior class council (which I was a member of two school years ago). we had a wonderful time and she hasn't really changed which is good in most instances. 

I left there and went to see if I could catch ms. miller but she had already left and due to recent events I could see why you wouldn't linger around after school. she was such an amazing individual, really connected with her. besides her I also wanted to see michalski who was also a wonderful influence my junior year and helped me to love history again but as I said I spent all my time catching up with filsy. I think I may dedicate a day to each in order to make it fair.

overall wc has changed and sadly it's not for the better. it's like a school being run into the ground behavior wise. I don't know if the quality of children attending has gone down or if administration has but I will tell you that it's like a degenerate operation and I'm scared that soon it'll be inhabitable. all my insiders, the faculty and many students I know going there all said they don't know how much more than can take, that it's definitely gotten worse and that they don't know how much more they can stand of the school. I can understand why this would be so even in my two hours there. my return visit was fruitful, it made me remember why I need college, people gave me advice and "lectures" too. =] it's sad that I spend more time laughing at the ignorance while there instead of praising the excellence but that's because it's (excellence) is few and far between at that school. I hope one day dub c will regain the pride and I'll be there but until then I won't return many more times. mostly out of pity and a little bit out of fear. 

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy. 

The Male Gender

so let's get this straight. I do think men can be good human beings, lately my points seem to be getting misconstrued and getting turned into outright male hate. this is simply not true. I like guys (as friends) especially my gay males but there are specific reasons.

I hate male chauvinism more than anything in the world and it just so happens that the majority of [straight] males are chauvinistic. otherwise I think men are capable, willing humans. generally speaking though a lot of men believe in (very) traditional gender roles, believe that men are generally better (whether consciously or subconsciously) and treat women in a degrading manner and it irks me so much. as a feminist this shouldn't be surprising. I really feel it sad that men have found themselves in such a box that they cannot break out for anything in the world. I also hate how men don't believe in anything that's not the normal or when they have very antiquated biblical beliefs (such as women staying home, etc). and true it is their choice but as I have said I hate male chauvinism and that's generally what most men are and as long as they continue to be that way you will continue to see a lot of disdain for men and all their self-entitlement behavior.

this generally does not apply to gay men however, because they too have struggled to gain acceptance and equality in society not to mention the fact that they usually identity with the feminist agenda as well. I mean it is what it is and that's all folks.

I really can be friendly to men, just don't come with that traditional shit. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Writing For My Life

after my last heart spilling blog I decided I'd swoop in and lighten the dark mood but only to talk about something just as serious in my opinion (but not depressing), the reason I maintain a blog and more importantly why I write at all.

there are a few reasons why I write and all are valid. first let me say I keep a blog for me and I don't care if no one at all read my blog because as a writer I do it for the love. simply for the sake of writing. I love the art of creative and free form writing. I hate essays and papers (yet I understand their necessity and appreciate them) but I love when I'm able to write creatively or just to get some thoughts off my chest. I write because the way some people are soothed by singing or playing an instrument or by working out or by swimming or even by knitting a sweater, writing never fails me. it allows me to express all of my emotions from the darkest ones to the happiest ones. the words are moving and they flow out of me with no control. it's like I just have to let them take form. I just love writing.

another would have to be for the arts. they're a dying thing in our culture and society. the arts are commodified and made to seem like something everyone and everybody can be good at. something to be unappreciated and something that is ultimately disposable but that is simply not true. everyone has their niche and not everyone can be good at acting, painting, writing, drawing, playing instruments, or any of the other arts. it is true that many artsy people have overlapping talents BUT that is not always true and should not be made to be true. and the arts need saving. so I write and defy the societal expectations to save the arts and it's not something I single-handedly take on. I invite the aspiring photographers/photojournalists, authors, musicians, actors, and visual artists to join me in this fight. fuck the status quo. let's prove that the arts are here and will always be here.

I also write because I hope to touch someone, I hope that my words reach out to someone and inspire them or make a difference in their life and even if they don't I hope that they at least move them or put a thought in your head. I write because every life is worthwhile and if I touch even one other individual out there struggling with themselves and let them know they're not alone then I'm fine. I can sleep at night and that's all that matters in my life.

I also feel that I write from a different perspective, a new perspective. it's something fresh and I want to share it with everyone. I don't want to tell the same stories that are rehashed a thousand times, I want to tell stories that are true to me, stories that have new perspectives on the world and put new voices in peoples heads. I write to make a difference (which is directly related to my previous reason) and by providing my perspective I feel I can do that. I also have hope that maybe my perspective can touch the individual who really relates to me or my stories but who may not be able to articulate him or herself in a way in which they feel others will understand. because I know that sometimes I find a character can say it better, an author can convey a message I may have had all along a lot better than I can. and that's truth.

finally I write to live because the day I told myself that I was going to quit writing was the day I knew that I was committing emotional suicide. I was taking away my one reason to remain hopeful and continue to breathe. I mean literally the day I told myself I wanted to quit writing (I thought I wasn't touching anyone or making a difference) was the day I took myself to campus wellness and started to take care of myself emotionally and mentally  because I know that even on days in which I feel incredibly stupid and nothing around me makes sense I know that writing will always be there to right my world. I know that these words will always flow from my brain to the paper as long as I let them. they'll always be there to save me, to hug me, care for me and comfort me when no one else is there. I'll always have my ability to put "the pen to the paper." and as long as I got this I'm alright. 'cause ladies and gentleman I write to live.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

When tears fall

they don't stop.
I've been crying since I had the idea in my head to write that poem I just posted and that was over an hour ago.
when I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I'd never hold anything back from my readers and so here goes.
that has to be one of thee most emotional poems I've EVER written.
and the woman I'm talking about, I just have so many conflicting feelings for her. and I'll love her no matter what because that's just the type of person I am.
but the resentment, animosity and even the little bit of self-righteousness that may have leaked into those words are truly what I feel and they've been a longggg time coming. I mean I can't even reread the poem without getting emotional. just thinking about it is making me cry.
knowing the consequence I'll suffer for being this way. for being gay.
I mean ultimately no matter how she treated me I still love her and to lose her love for being me is an unbearable thought. it just may tear me down. and it hasn't happened yet but I know one day it ultimately will.
so even though I'm capable to write that poem, even though I feel so powerful about who I am. I'm still emotionally not ready to face my consequences.
and right now I'm like a waterworks just thinking about it and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry and cry.
I'd just like to know where is everyone I'm there for when I need them?
where are these people when I feel like the only thing I wanna do is be in the fetal position?
I know it's 4 in the morning but if someone needed me at 4am I'd be there in a heartbeat.
I guess it's a consequence of going off the meds too, I have to regulate my own emotions.
and it's so hard to control this overbearing loneliness I feel half the time.
but apparently there's no one for me. no one but you, the people I write to (although I know no one reads this damn blog).
so I'll take solace in that I guess.
and don't just read my words when I post poetry, feel my words.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.