Lovely Carolina

majority of the time when I walk around this school, if I'm being honest, I strongly dislike. the people are pretentious, judgmental and rude if your not in the upper crust of society. other than that people are just straight up rude, walking into you, stepping on you, pushing you and taking whatever liberties they want never expecting and lashing back or repercussions.

secondly the faculty and staff here value athletics above everything else. consistently year, after year the school sees growth in enrollment, an overstuffed lenoir, shortage of beds and the likes. yet the first project they decide to tackle on campus is the fact that kenan stadium needs more box/club/whatever seats. and on game days students get their spots (which they paid $300) preempted JUST so some drunken alumni can go to the fucking game. fuck them, what about my damn car? and don't encourage me to take my car home because you never know where someone lives, what will they do with their car? I especially hate how crowded it gets, how bold bitches get, and how they push you out of the way. athletes get that special training and tutoring (which has now come under fire) to make sure they pass they classes whereas me? I'm just a number at this stupid ass school. people don't know my name and never will. I hate how in america athletes are shoved above everything else just because the benefits of education don't immediately become evident.

honestly I spend more time wishing I had went to a different school more than anyone should and if I could do it all again with this knowledge I would. transfer you say? never that because the overbearing, over-the-top, unnecessary academics keep my gpa just shitty enough to only to be able to stay here. at any rate this ol' lovely carolina is where I call home. =\

-- Lexy

In the End, it All Stays the Same

I realized the other day as I was in a state. in a state of what you may ask and I wish I could tell you but I don't know what the state is. maybe it's sleepiness and subconscious fears or maybe it was just me zoning out, at any rate it's the same state I'm in now. one in which the screen is blurring as I type and my mind is numb. none of this is the point. the point is that I realized people can claim not to be superficial all the want but in the end they are. I realize how hard it will be for me with all my flaws and what not to ever get someone to look at me past friendship. people love the "normal" views on beauty with the size 0 waistline, model walk and conformative attitude. it works for most no matter how "different" they claim they are. day in and day out I meet new people and all of the virtually that same in that attitude. it's actually quite ashame and it makes me sad but some of the burden is my own to bear. with my negative views on myself and rude mannerisms to cover up said negative views. I look around and then I look at myself realizing that I'm in a harsh cycle in which I'm constantly valued lower in society than the average person. it worries me. it makes me wonder, will all our work and our pushes toward equality ever be worth it? will it ever come to fruition? I doubt so people like me will continue to suffer while the beautiful people with terrible personalities continue to win. =\

-- Lexy

the lives we live

as I read for women's studies tonight I realized that dorothy allison is overwhelming right. it's the first time I've cried about my life since last semester when I got my shit together. it is now that I realize like her there is so much in my life that I have worked to forget and cover up. only because it is scary to think about them and you wonder what your life would be like if you were to allow yourself to fully get over them and not let them affect you now. honestly though can that even happen seeing as how your experiences shape you? at any rate the overwhelming experiences that I had in middle school all came flooding back to me. sure I talk about them but I talk about them from a disassociated stance as though it happened to someone else. so as I was reading I thought  about the extensive bullying I experienced from everyone around me including my close family. I thought about the number of times I was used and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I thought about the times my mother ignored me and tossed me aside for her sister and I thought about the time my grandmother decided I wasn't important enough to visit in the hospital. I thought about the fact that I was coming into my sexuality but instead of embracing it I hid it, picked at others whom I thought to be queer and became deeply christian. I thought about the conditions I lived in and how hard my father worked to change it all for me. I love him for it but it just honestly wasn't enough. and I thought about how the culmination of all of this led to a very long drawn out case of severe clinical depression and how it led me to contemplate suicide constantly. the reading struck a cord in me. I never thought I would have to experience those things again. what's funny is that I've come to terms with things such as being gay/genderqueer/queer/whatever I'm currently identifying as and all the stigmata that comes along with it. that I've come to find a home in that community more than I ever has as a woman or a black person. the queer community will probably always be my home too because the social anxiety I experience around both black people and large amounts of women are both overwhelming. however, I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened to me back then and maybe that's an immature me saying that but to get over those things would cause me to admit things I've never admitted to anyone and to examine a part of my life I'd rather leave buried. and it may seem that by writing this blog I'm not doing that but I've discussed nothing in depth nor do I intend to and I've still not said many of the shameful and hurtful things that happened. my point is that I love my family from a distance now and it left me yearning for attention. it left me with a vulnerability that I hate. it left me with poor coping habits and little trust for any human being. it left me with a fear of rejection. it left me with battered emotions and a flaming temper. it left me with only negative effects. many say that experiences are needed for character but I'd rather not build my character that way. I'd rather no child build their character that way. no child should ever experience that amount of dispair and loneliness or that much hatred for ones self. I am understanding today in part because of it but mostly because I would never want anyone to feel the amount of intolerance I've felt.

&& that's all.
- lexy

from the ashes we'll always rise

a post only for our eyes.
new yorkers.
those of us who watched the buildings fall.
those of us who watched the smoke billow.
those of us who cried when we realized loved ones were inside.
the relief we felt when we realized they were late,
the empathy we felt when we realized there were others we knew who didn't make it.
to the firefighters lost,
to the policeman lost,
to the ems workers lost,
we appreciate it.
and though the tragedy still strikes us
and even makes us hate those who don't deserve it
we made it and we're trying to be better people.
to those who watched and sat in horror with no connection to the terror
we know it hurt you too.
so thank you for reaching out to us new yorkers.
though all these years later peoples memories start to fade
my memory will never let me forget
and I don't want to forget
'cause a history forgotten
is surely one to be repeated. . .

this is not a poem, it is a free flow of my thoughts on 9/11 as a new yorker. my solitude and love go out to those who lost on 9/11. and also to those on flight 93 and in the pentagon.
good night. ='(

&& that's all.
-- lexy

mirror, mirror

She looks into me while dabbing her makeup
Twirling ‘round and ‘round with me in hand
Asking how I’ve been
It’s not been that long since I’ve last seen her
Since only this morning she’d been off to work
Asking me what I thought of her
If I had a mouth I’d have told her
You look the same as any other day
Young and lonely,
Eyes drooping still
From the one you’d lost all that time ago
He too was fair-skinned and young,
You two looking just like you belonged.
But just as I reminisce I realize it is not good to yearn
For when you dwell on the past it’s hard to move on--
My young companion if only I could do something
That’d make you learn.


-lexy

life is back in session

my summer was pretty much a pause from real structured life with my only routines coming from going to time out youth on mondays. at any rate now that school is back in session and I'm falling into a daily/weekly schedule it feels like my life is back in session and the days of simply lounging around and wasting time are gone. and that's okay, I like that because then I don't feel like I'm wasting away.

anyways I know it's been quite some time since I lasted posted but I'm going to skip the inaugural post and jump right into my topic of the day: being leftist. for many reasons I enjoy being a radical, I won't even say liberal because I'm way past that. however, I know that the left can mean a lot of things and is generally considered to be the best when it comes to any kind of gay, environmental or social issues. this is always not the case though and I would like to distinguish myself from any kind of "leftist" who is really moderate but finds themselves a little more left leaning because of social issues. I'm conservative in only one way and that's gun control but even on that issue I'm more left leaning than right. in my book to be a true liberal you need to be all about gay rights and equality. either make gay marriage okay or rid the system of marriages and practice civil unions. I'm personally more in favor of the latter than the former but either would be huge step. I also believe in trans rights and not at the expense of anyone elses.

as far as economics is concerned I feel like we need to even out the playing field, tax cuts for the rich need to be completely done away with, we need bigger gov't to provide more social programs which will further level the playing field. we also need to crack the whip on big business and stop letting it from political america and those the entire country. perhaps I am more social than I thought. additionally we need to make college more accessible and this can be done with more social programs.

as far as environmental issues are concerned we need to crack down on lazy ass people and make it so that everyone will be all for environmentally friendly things. we need to promote sustainability, make it easier to access sustainable/compostable products, etc. clean energy needs to be pushed even harder than it is now and we need to stop letting big business control our futures.

I could go on for hours but my main reason for posting this broad overview is because I'm tired of people getting moderates confused with the true liberals and radicals. don't call yourself a liberal unless you've liberated your mind from the benefits of the life some of us live and opened up your eyes to see how you can change our country, for the better.

&& that's all.
-- lexy

People From the Past Usually Mean the Most

so as we all know my current girlfriend is my previous one (and in fact my only one) and before it was just so hard being in a relationship with her. we were both immature and we both had many psychological issues (depression, etc) and these days I can't even fathom how we made it and I can't fathom how the damaging things we said to one another has affected our relationship today.

what I do know is that tonight as I kissed her goodbye after seeing the movie "knight and day" (which was decent, very cute) I know that I love her. and it may seem fast 'cause it'll only be a month as of this saturday but I have a history with this girl and even before when I broke up with her I still loved her. I mean I told her I was over her and that I no longer loved her but that was always a lie. I always had lingering feelings and always loved her, I just didn't realize what an amazing individual I had. I was out to prove to myself that someone else could do it better when clearly she was the one then (and now). I've come to believe that some of us are lucky enough to get it right on the first try. =]

this is not to say that I don't constantly worry about whether we'll make it, especially when I go back to unc but I feel like we can do it. it'll be hard but we can. so I may not be able to predict the future but I can work hard now to ensure the things and people I want in my future are there.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

With Sins So Numerous No One Can Judge Me

in conjunction with my last post I'd thought I'd make a post on where I'm currently at religiously. I mean my beliefs change quite frequently and mostly 'cause of my laziness. I mean I've been meaning to try buddhism and honestly I believe that eventually when I settle on one it'll be on one of my own creation that combines the tenants and practices of many (or all) major religions in the world. 

at any rate I feel as though with all the things that happen in the world and with the unreliability of humans christianity is a religion based on some lies and fabrications and with all it's contradictions I just can't dig it. divine things can't really be explained or be logical but they shouldn't be downright confusing or contradictory either. anyways overall I do believe that there is a god and I believe it's a just a divine figure, a spirit, not of either gender. I believe that this god does not interfere with the orders of the universe. god doesn't have a plan for us, we make our own plans and this god loves us for how we are and for our intentions. if we do good and do not intend to harm people or hurt them then we receive good things in our life here on our earth (sounds a lot like karma) and I believe the ultimate goal is to reach an internal peace before we die so that our souls can rest easy. I do believe that the afterlife is a peaceful place where those same good intentioned people go to and the evil people are sentenced to having an uneasy soul. it's as simple as that. god does not request you worship it or treat it like it needs worldly things to be satisfied with you. it is satisfied simply to see people living and breathing. currently this is a very preliminary explanation of my beliefs. take it for what you will and call me blasphemous if you must but this seems a lot more plausible in my opinion.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy