while I was in the car today I sat thinking about a conversation I had with my mother years ago when I was around 11 years old while riding around upstate new york. I remember the conversation so vividly 'cause I was a curious child with numerous questions about my own identity. I had just recently heard (on the radio) about an individual who went through gender reassignment surgery and I wasn't grappling the religious aspect of the situation. I mean I understood why someone would want the surgery because often times I felt like a little boy and a little out of place but I was always told that god didn't make mistakes and people were insane to think they knew better than him.
of course being a young child I turned to my parents, specifically my mother, for advice. I remember word-for-word asking her "mommy what happens to those people?" and she responded to me with "those people are abominations to god and they won't be accepted into heaven." or something very similar to that.
pause. I bet you all thought I was gonna say [that she said] something cute or reassuring.
resume. I paused for a while and said "ohh" and turned away from her to look out the window. I sat with this information and it was then that I told myself that I would never be mean to those people or do things to hurt them. I mean how could since they were already destined for hell? what's worse is that for a questioning child that was very damaging to my self acceptance process (which as we all did not come until MUCH later and still hasn't been fully realized). I kept that conversation in the back of my head for
years. I mean I've come to believe it was a very defining moment in my childhood because on that day something in me died, a little bit of my childhood innocence and hope left me.
I can also recall remembering that very conversation one day while I was in s.c. living with my grandmother while thinking about my sexuality a few years later. it's difficult to say whether or not it had a large influence on the repression of my sexuality but I'm willing to bet it did. and in some odd way I think this conversation could have been the beginning of my true questioning and doubting of religion. even though as far as I can remember I was never that religious, I was always very "whatever" but that may be attributed to the fact that I was a child. it's ironic that the most religious time in my life was only because I was trying to repress my sexuality and not because I actually believed in christianity and it's tenants. I simply wanted to change 'cause I thought I was morally wrong. I have to admit though the bible is a very compelling story. the writers ought to be given the newberry prize or something. anyways the point is that sometimes people don't realize the things the say to their young ones can outlast any other lessons they may teach and negatively affect their psyche. parents choose your words carefully.
