In Examining My Past One Will Find Many Clues

while I was in the car today I sat thinking about a conversation I had with my mother years ago when I was around 11 years old while riding around upstate new york. I remember the conversation so vividly 'cause I was a curious child with numerous questions about my own identity. I had just recently heard (on the radio) about an individual who went through gender reassignment surgery and I wasn't grappling the religious aspect of the situation. I mean I understood why someone would want the surgery because often times I felt like a little boy and a little out of place but I was always told that god didn't make mistakes and people were insane to think they knew better than him.

of course being a young child I turned to my parents, specifically my mother, for advice. I remember word-for-word asking her "mommy what happens to those people?" and she responded to me with "those people are abominations to god and they won't be accepted into heaven." or something very similar to that. pause. I bet you all thought I was gonna say [that she said] something cute or reassuring. resume. I paused for a while and said "ohh" and turned away from her to look out the window. I sat with this information and it was then that I told myself that I would never be mean to those people or do things to hurt them. I mean how could since they were already destined for hell? what's worse is that for a questioning child that was very damaging to my self acceptance process (which as we all did not come until MUCH later and still hasn't been fully realized). I kept that conversation in the back of my head for years. I mean I've come to believe it was a very defining moment in my childhood because on that day something in me died, a little bit of my childhood innocence and hope left me.

I can also recall remembering that very conversation one day while I was in s.c. living with my grandmother while thinking about my sexuality a few years later. it's difficult to say whether or not it had a large influence on the repression of my sexuality but I'm willing to bet it did. and in some odd way I think this conversation could have been the beginning of my true questioning and doubting of religion. even though as far as I can remember I was never that religious, I was always very "whatever" but that may be attributed to the fact that I was a child. it's ironic that the most religious time in my life was only because I was trying to repress my sexuality and not because I actually believed in christianity and it's tenants. I simply wanted to change 'cause I thought I was morally wrong. I have to admit though the bible is a very compelling story. the writers ought to be given the newberry prize or something. anyways the point is that sometimes people don't realize the things the say to their young ones can outlast any other lessons they may teach and negatively affect their psyche. parents choose your words carefully.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy

Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Untitled #8

amongst all the uncertainty and instability somewhere I am there
under the debris of life I am alive
why I cannot exist in the light of day is beyond me
I am perfectly human-- flawed beyond belief
and in order to find me you must look past all the casualties that have made me,
you must dig deep to find me,
let the glass of the word cut you
and somehow, you will encounter a girl who is perfectly scarred , hurt, loved, cared for and wanted impatiently waiting for someone to find me.
I wonder: who will I owe my thanks to?
'cause in a perfect word it'd be me but it's a reality that sometimes we need someone else to show us our worth
to show us what we're made of.
and with that said I realize who I owe my thanks to.
you helped me rediscover myself,
to push away the debris and move more freely than before
ready to try again and maybe even fall again.

Time Left Me in the Dust Long Ago

yes that's right. time is dusting me and I'm not even sad about it 'cause I like living in the achievements of yesteryear. it keeps me happy since thinking about tomorrow and my fast approaching future is scary and too uncertain for my tastes.

at any rate that's not what I came to blog about, I wanted to say that I'm strangely optimistic and looking forward as to what's to come in my life. I wish people would stop telling me that the things I'm thinking about majoring in is unprofitable and silly in these economic times 'cause my happiness outweighs nearly everything else in my life at this point.

so many things I wanna do in my life, so many places I wanna travel. so afraid I won't get there. okay I've completely lost sight as to what I'm supposed to blogging about. perhaps I'll come back later or tomorrow and figure it out.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

I'm Pretty Much Done For

the title describes it best.
my summer is pretty much done for.
I've spent all but $30 in my savings account, my parents are broke, I can't find a job to save my life and I've exhausted all resources.
right about now I just wish I could win the lottery, like for real. 'cause I'm just so tired of being the number one worry in my life.
at any rate my summer is pretty much done for, I won't be able to afford to do any of the things I wanna do like go to the beach with my gf or go to high point or go to new york or even something as simple as eating out.
smh. why oh why does it have to be this way? why does it always have to be a struggle?
anyways I guess I'll stop complaining and be happy I'm alive.
happy I have a computer to blog from.
happy I have a gf, good health and loving parents.
and in the meanwhile I'll try to forget my money woes. -sigh-

I'm About Whatever

so another drake inspired title. haha.

anyways I realized as I was listening to that song that it definitely fits my life philosophy these days 'cause I'm just living life and truly enjoying it for what it's worth.
I mean before I graduated high school I was all about the future, planning for it and saving for it. but when I got to college and nothing went right err as I planned, I just decided that planning wasn't for me anymore 'cause it just doesn't work. I got sick multiple times and I struggles internally with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. and while I was sick I realized I may die tomorrow and nothing, especially money, stays. eventually everything goes and we have to take life as it comes. for instance I spent almost all of my money and admittedly some of it was "unwise" but I had fun while doing it and even if I had it now I'd still be having fun with it so what the hell, you know.

I also had this very linear and planned view on relationships and significant others but now I realize I just have to take them as they come and do my best to sustain them. it's the same with life problems too, I'll just handle them when they come. however, I won't lie sometimes I worry about the future and struggle with figuring out "life's plan" but that's when I remember there isn't one and I'm creating my own path. and even though it's in direct contrast with what's ingrained in me I remember that all habits and philosophies can change and that I just gotta be patient.

my philosophy even extends to me judging people based on their education (or lack thereof). I mean last year this time I was just so judgmental when it came to education. I can vividly remember harshly judging people who didn't graduate on time even if they would get their diploma over the summer. and I remember thinking that college was this perfect little world everyone could survive in-- that it was thee only option for everyone however, I now know that not to be true. (hell, it almost isn't for me!) so as long as you're happy with yourself and you ain't bumming it and you're actually trying to get somewhere [legally] then imma about it. 'cause there are PLENTY of ways to be educated without having a degree, matter-of-fact I'll even go so far as to say formal education kills the imagine and all that's smart and natural in us. it dulls us and creates robots ready to be little corporate robots. but I digress, that's another subject in it's entirety.

overall I guess I'm just trying to say I know I've made a lot of progress as a human and I'm glad to have done it 'cause I've become a better, more accepting one.
so I'm about whatever. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

"Things have been too crazy and hectic, I should've gotten back by now"

the title is a line from karoake by drake. great song.

anyways it's been 10 days since I've blogged and some things have changed since then.
I'm no longer single.
but I think that's it. lol.
I'm still broke as ever and searching for a job. it's quite hot outside, too hot to move actually. I mainly go out in the evening.
not much to say though. I'll come back a little later.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

Barriers

tonight I went to t.o.y. and the discussion was about "coming out" and I realize that I kind of think it was pointless now since my parents never discuss it or talk about it or mention it. like my parents didn't even acknowledge that it's lgbtq month, they don't ask about my social life or anything. and maybe they don't wanna seem like they're prying or maybe they want me to initiate the conversation. whatever it is I just wish they would ask a little more, be a little more caring in that sense. like I understand that I'm an adult and I'm supposed to come to you but it would be nice if every once and a while they asked me a few questions. and I'm not saying I want to talk about it everyday either but it's been a month and we've talked about it once for like 30 minutes. to be honest as supportive as they say they are I feel rather uncomfortable even talking about anything remotely gay with them and it's like they don't wanna comment on anything either. I feel like instead of opening up the communication it actually cut it off and sometimes I wonder if they even wanna know about my social or romantic life. I mean honestly at this point I've resigned to not telling them about either (as if there's anything to say about my romantic life anyways *rolls eyes*) just to spare them the discomfort the whole thing may cause. I mean I know they need time to adjust and what not but I'm their child just like before and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I don't wanna have to wait and I just want us to be open like we were before. . . *sigh*

sometimes it's just so hard to understand why my parents just can't communicate with me about the subject or why my mom has to be contradictory about the issue or why my dad thinks it's a choice. I mean my mom will say "lifestyle choice" but then tell me that she doesn't think it's a choice and my dad says things like "your situation", "your lifestyle", etc which irk the shit out of me. I think it's because I haven't heard the word lesbian or gay come out of either of their mouthes to describe me. I'm not asking you shout it to the world but I'm asking when you talk about it instead of struggling for phrases that are probably offensive or inappropriate just use those words instead. overall I'm grateful though because it could have been a lot worse and I'm fortunate in this case.  however, things could be better and most of all I just wish I didn't feel like I was walking around on eggshells everyday and that we were in two totally different worlds. 

which brings me to another point: when I'm in charlotte I must admit that I may go overboard on the gay events 'cause my world here is very heterosexual and I feel that in order to connect with lgbtq's I have to go to lgbtq events whereas in chapel hill the likelihood of running across one randomly is a lot higher. either way my lgbtq life could use a pick me up in charlotte.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

The Way We Communicate & it's Relation to Culture

any post I've made lately has been short and not very informative. haven't really felt like writing honestly. anyways it struck me yesterday as I was riding in the car back to the train station that there are fundamental differences in the black community no matter how much alike we are to caucasian folks. and that's not to say that I'm racist or don't believe in friendships between the two 'cause that's certainly NOT what I'm saying.) anyways I noticed this because I was having a discussion with someone and they told me I was getting aggressive and worked up over nothing but the issue is that I didn't see it as being aggressive at all. I saw it as stating a point. it made me realize that white people really are just a lot more sensitive than black people.

I say this mostly from my own experience but I've had both white people and black people agree on this with me as well. and to be even more clear white people are more sensitive than minorities in general (minority races that is). I say this because many times caucasians are offended by simple statements that in the black community most people would laugh at or let roll off their backs. I would use examples but for some reason I don't think it would be appropriate. I'm trying to be as candid as possible without being offensive or rude. at any rate many times I've been told I'm abrasive, rude, a dick, etc. just because I say the truth at all times. it's just what you do in the black household. there is no sugarcoating or covering up. if you look a mess, you look a mess or if you're nasty, you're nasty. no one spares your feelings and maybe some people feel this is bad for kids or whatever but it has made my skin tougher and allowed me to be able to ignore a lot of things that hurt my white friends. like if someone tells me I'm a bitch. I'm not going to get offended or mad I'm going to be like okay and?. lol. I mean it's the truth though and it's like that for most of my black friends though. the culture difference rears it head in communication differences and it's a constant struggle for me to remember that sometimes in chats with my other friends 'cause I'm just not used to sparing feelings and switching up language.

so remember next time you want to fault me for the way I communicate and being honest when you wanted to hear a lie remember that that's not how I grew up and what you consider aggressive I consider normal b/c in my household that's the only way to be heard. anyways I just wanted to give that food for thought folks.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Our Own Month

june was declared lgbtq month by obama and I think that's wonderful. I kind of think it's memorable since june was the month of the stonewall riots but some would say october might be more appropriate since coming out day is that month. either way I'm happy and grateful. we've got a month like the blacks, asians, women, and any other minority. as small of a thing as this is I'm happy about it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

The Aftermath

so my family reunion was this past weekend and I had an excellent time. amy came to join me and that turned out well. I have to admit I was very apprehensive but it turned out well and despite the heavy rains time with family outweighed any negatives.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy