novels

lately I've been posting a lot of my poetry.
and as I was digging through my files I realized I have a book that I started but never finished.
actually I have several.
some of it stems from that fact that I seemingly have never ending writers block. -sigh-
oh the woes of a writer, jus never seems to be enough time [either]. =\

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

untitled #5

hope and optimism left me a long time ago

and now I’m just cold.

I tried using a throw

but chills creeped up my spine.

I tried drinking some hot tea

that only lasted momentarily

then I tried something that was new to me

and that’d be trying to love thee

and…when that didn’t warm me

I knew there was something wrong with me

I knew it wasn’t for me.

I gave up on life quickly.

a part died in me.

I couldn’t stand to live that way,

so I thought maybe it’d best to depart that day

leave my lame rhyme schemes

and my stupid college scene

all  behind me.

I left life that way.

I truly died that day,

jumping straight into harms way.

I wanted to die that day

killing me slowly

I let my lifestyle tear my heart away.

now I’m stuck that way.

-- lexy. 

*disclaimer* I think this is one of the crappiest poems I have ever written but I'm posting anyways. it was written around sept. 2009. 

What's in a Phrase?

Anyone ever notice just how paradoxically we live/lead our lives? Hundreds of times we say contradictory things, that is, things that are the exact opposite of how we're feeling or thinking. I mean is it an overall human thing or is that just something I encounter on a daily basis?
Do you ever realise how easily the descent into barbarity could be? I mean I'm not saying that we don't have self-control but as animals full of ambition, greed, and the like we could all turn to barbarism given the right circumstances.
Only because it's easier, it's so much easier to be barbaric. I mean when you really think about it how many times have you said "I could ____ (fill with any verb such as kill, punch, etc) her/him" or how many times you have heard people answer "yes" to the question the question "would you rob a bank if you knew you could get away with it?"
And as A.P. students we were taught to analyze the language in which a person uses as well as the content in which they say it which leads to my title question, what is [truly] in a phrase?
I mean, I, myself want to punch the hell out this very laptop I'm working on at the moment because it's spazzing and freezing for no apparent reason but I won't because I know the long term consequences that will have on this already shitty laptop and how it will hinder me.
That coupled with phrases such as "I'm going to do a running jumping high kick if you don't complete that" leads me to believe that with the snap of a finger and a little more freedom we'd all resort to barbarism to make it through our lives and get our way.
Like just the other day I saw this guy I know almost get into a fight with another kid and when the teacher told him to be "the bigger person" his response was basically "fuck that, right now, I jus wanna whoop his ass." And I understand that 'cause I get like that sometimes to, ya know? We all get like that.
Need more proof? William Golding wrote a novel that is now considered a part of the literary canon which proved this exact point. It's name? "Lord of The Flies"
If that's not enough, about half a century prior to Golding there was Conrad. You guessed right, the novella "Heart of Darkness."
They show how society praises civilisation when in all honesty we just aren't that civilised.
I mean how easy is it to steal instead of working for something? I could walk into Wal-Mart tomorrow and with the right amount of planning and stealth steal that same iPod Touch you worked 4 months to afford within 5 minutes.
Or instead of just dealing with people I don't like I could go VT on those stupid motherf****** at my school tomorrow.
No I'm not crazy, not that damn violent, just simply making a point that we all seem to forget.
It's so hard to be civilised and show some restraint so when people do things like fight or get angry and stuff we should be a little less quick to judge and more understanding.
To further the argument look at the things we do for fun, we participate in sports like mixed martial arts or otherwise known as UFC, wrestling, football (not soccer), boxing, and the list goes on. Not only do we participate, we go to these sport events and cheer them on. We like bare fisted fighting with others and generally enjoy people suffering both emotionally AND physically.
Don't believe me? How often do you watch, listen, or read the tabloids? Just waiting to hear some juicy gossip about how dismal some celebrities life is. How often have you admitted to watching reality television just to see people more fucked up than you?
Need further proof? Look around you, observe how certain people are waiting for you to fall in dismay?
How many times have you heard the phrase, "misery loves company?"
Cliched statements are overused for a reason-- they ring true.
Many would argue that a solid founding in faith would combat all of what I'm saying however that too may not ring true because even biblical people questioned these exact same things.
Think about it, why did God flood the earth? Hmmm, that's right because it was corrupt.
Everyone falls into these habits and that's just how it is.
I am guilty of everything I'm saying here so don't take this a persecution, I'm just saying before you judge someone else for their seemingly awful make sure yours don't match.
I just hope to stress the fact that forgiveness, tolerance, and understanding is key to life and in order to practice those you have to, have to understand that restraining yourself is often easier said than done.
Just wanted to stir up a little controversy and share my thoughts with you guys because I was bored and had that on my mind.
And finally leave you with that a question "what is in a phrase?"




______________________________________________
Just to be clear I am FIRM believer in the justice system and when I say people should be more understanding I am in NO WAY saying that people shouldn't be punished for their crimes because they SHOULD. Just giving some fruit for thought here.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy.

untitled #2

gathered around this plot
bidding you one final farewell
I’m honestly glad to see you gone.
I know that seems wrong
but honestly you had done me so much harm.

even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t have taken anymore pain from you.
because I’d been a sucker for punishment for far too long.
you abused my ego
and robbed me of trust.
stealing my faith
and locking my confidence in a box.

due to your seemingly intense hatred I will never be the same.
almost destined to be alone.
I was undeserving and
never fully understanding it,
I just learned to do without your love
but really wanting to wallow in misery. 


-- lexy. 

untiled #1

I am uninspired
since there’s nothing transpiring.

words escape me
I battle a fading memory
fleeting time and
unsettled emotions

I know not how to express myself
and everything seems to have come to a head
and true to form I’ve begin running
unable to stop
yet standing still

I feel completely unoriginal
nothing’s authentic
and the pain I feel for you?
no different.

you’re nothing different.
because I simply feel indifferent.

my inability to believe in me,
my inability to have faith in me
arise from you.

I no longer know me
I have no idea why I’m here
why life’s path brought me here
I can’t handle this.

constantly hurt
always used
naivety always fooling me.
only deception and trickery befriending me.
now doubting myself
I have given up.

with nothing left to give
all I wanted was a friend
but they too seem to be fleeting – true emotions hard to come by.
- - lexy.


p.s. the numbers ARE sequential, I just post the poetry out of order (meaning I wrote this one before I wrote the one previously posted). 

untitled #7

you have a way with words they say.

an uncanny ability to convey intangible things

but my seemingly beautiful talent is a burden I carry

with great weight.

maybe one day I’ll learn to appreciate

but as of this day and many others I can only hate

because without it I am prevented from concentration

from sleep

from eating

from working

and from being whole, from feeling whole.

yet with it I am prevented from these same things while the words flow out of me

hoping that I can express my pain

my hurt

my love

my anger

my deepest emotions

the only way I know how, the best I know how.

just trying to survive.

this burden, this weight I carry

is my lifeline

and it works both ways.

i’ve jus got to learn to embrace.

-- lexy. 

Avatar

I went to see Avatar earlier and I thought it’d be neat to write my own take on this movie since I’ve heard so much about it and because it’s been subject to criticisms of being racist.

let me say that the movie was excellent, one of the best I’ve seen in a long time, like seriously. the acting was outstanding and the plot was superb. I feel like the writing was spot on and the way the movie moved, although a bit confusing at first, keeps you interested.  if you want to know more on that then go see it for yourself, I’m not going into deep detail.

my main reason for writing though is to address the political undertones in this movie, the underlying message I received. I’m stressing the personal pronoun here because what you may have gotten out it might be something different entirely.

it seemed to me that this movie depicted a general theme among science-fiction books and movies: that humans will bring about their own eradication, europeans generally had no respect for people of other races/skin tones and humans overall have no respect for mother nature. i feel that in no way was this movie racist. 

1.           humans will one day bring about their own eradication: humans kill other humans as though we don’t know that killing one another is harmful to ourselves. we kill one another for our small differences and because there is always one person extremely greedy and bigoted. in order to stop this trend we must one day learn how to respect one another’s difference rather than using them as reason to war. our own inability to think for  “the long run” will also  kill us because we, as humans, think for the right here, right now and we end up killing future generations because of it.

2.        European conquests across several continents throughout history proves this point, it doesn’t even really need an explanation but I will briefly give one. over time the Europeans did the same thing time and time again. went into a foreign land, deemed the people uncivilized and/or savage and tried to change them. if they could not force them into the European way then they were slaughtered and deemed unfit for life. those same euros did the same thing if the natives had something they wanted or if their land was in the way of something they wanted. they eradicated them if they couldn’t get what they wanted because the land was considered sacred or whatever the case was. case in point: the native americans. the Europeans also tore apart africa, the caribbean, etc. I mean it’s just what they do best. they demean, kill and hurt people. (some people would argue that this movie directly depicts what the euros did to the native americans)

3.        As a race humans of modern times (modern doesn’t mean 2000s, I mean as far back as the 1800s) do not value mother nature or respect her. we tear her apart at every turn and disrespect her. we don’t value anything that’s natural unless it’s on our mind at that point right then. it’s seriously sad. we pollute the earth constantly through the burning of fossil fuels which we have been burning for over 300 years now with no effort to find alternative means of power even after learning of the devastating effects. this point also directly ties in with number 1 because with an earth we don’t exist and hence we’re slowly killing ourselves and we’ll have no one to blame. also we take from this earth with no intentions of giving back either; we’re greedy.

To keep from repeating myself too many times or being too radical I’ll end here.

Main point is this: go see Avatar. It’s a great film and very political if you ask me.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy. 

Hope You Didn't Think You Knew All There was to Know About Sexuality

I believe that sexuality is fluid and I believe the Kinsey report. meaning that I believe that there are only a few exclusively heterosexual or homosexual people in the world. I will always hold fast to that belief and believe because this is true people should lose the hostility towards people of sexualities over than heterosexuality and they should do it quick. I’m not saying that you have to participate I’m just saying people should stop judging others. Thing is I realize a lot of this stems from religion 

and the other spiritual beliefs people hold fast to but sometimes you just gotta accept the facts and when read and analyzed the facts show that sexuality is fluid. and I really don’t care how many friends I lose by writing this blog because honestly if you were a friend it wouldn’t matter. anyways I also believe that because sexuality fluid it is okay for ones sexuality to change over time. I have to also say that you cannot help what you are turned on or attracted to because if that was the case people would choose to be the dominant sexuality (heterosexuality) simply because it is accepted and not frowned upon in society. with that said I firmly believe that your sexual orientation Is not a choice. If others believe that then I’d like to ask why they chose to be heterosexual (because let’s face it the majority of the people doing the judging is hetero, Christian [and other religious] people. since heteros make everyone who is different feel like they’re social outcasts they usually end going through life unfulfilled and unhappy because they’re trying to conform to the social norm and that’s not fair. I know it takes a long time for people to accept their sexuality but they should do it as soon as possible because it will lead to a much more satisfying life experience. don’t let the ignorant assholes keep you from doing what you feel to be right.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy. 

Standing for Something

my convictions are my convictions.
don't try and change me because you don't agree.
here is where I post them in order to express them because in everyday life I don't always get that chance.
so still feel free to comment or whatever but don't come here trying to judge or bash me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Realities

there are two very important people in my life who both keep trying to convince me of the exact same thing which I refuse to believe.

Who they are is no matter but what they do is.

Forcing your beliefs of someone else is not very democratic especially when what you’re trying to force on me simply is not the truth.

Plainly put these people keep trying to convince me that everyone reality is the same when obviously this is not true.

Everyone’s situations are different and may greatly vary from one individual to the next.

It’s not very fair that they do this to me either, they feel that because they are in positions of authority they can force me into that position but they are very mistaken. I feel as though it’s important for them to know that by me not believing that bullshit that they’re telling me I’m proving my exact point. My reality is different.

She is stuck in the past still thinking that every Caucasian person is out to get you and that they hate black people or hold some innate belief that they’re better when this simply isn’t true. She also believes that black folk are incapable of holding a position of power and to some extent I believe that she believes they shouldn’t be given the chance. She also has an instense hatred of homosexuals and even participated in the outcasting of a close family member when they became involved with someone of the same sex. As I’ve reminded her time and time again, just because you practice and believe these things doesn’t mean they’re true. Her response is “you just keep on livin’ honey.” I always walk away feeling as though nothing’s been accomplished but I know that deep within every time I don’t idly sit by and let her rant I’ve accomplished something. I’vw fought a small fight which proves that my reality is different from hers.

He (the other individual) tries very hard to convince me that because I can argue a certain point of view or be understanding (despite how twisted the story may be) it means I believe that point of view. WRONG! It’s very similar to how an attorney can defend someone they may know to be guilty not only because it’s their duty but because they want them to get a fair shake. Plain and simple. Now I know life ain’t fair but I believe in trying to make it as fair as possible and the only way we can do that is through understanding. So once again my reality is different from yours, simply because I can be understanding and non-convicting despite how evil someone (or the situation) is. After all we’re only human.

I think that’s enough said.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy. 

About This New Year of 2010...

let me jus say I ain’t gonna talk about it, imma be about it. so they’ll be no post of resolutions and shit. I’m just going to be me.

let’s start this decade off right. =]