if the blog didn't keep track of the posting dates

then I wouldn't be able to tell you the last time I've logged in to my blog. I've pretty much abandoned it and I should be ashamed but then I've abandoned pretty much all forms of keeping in touch with people and I really don't know or understand why because it's not like I'm exceptionally busy or something. anyways me keeping a consistent blog is nearly impossible but I'm really gonna try. part of it is 'cause I feel like I'm running out of shit to say.

long time no see

it's been a long ass time since I've written a blog; I think about doing it often but then I succumb to laziness. right now I'm coming here to write out of sheer desperation. there is no one awake in this room. they sleep all day everyday. and I'm so very lonely and sad. everything is looking dismal right now and I don't even know why. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so dissatisfied with my life that it's not even funny anymore. so much so that I just want it to be over. is that a ridiculous thing to say? I mean I just feel like dropping dead would have to be better than the amount of boredom, frustration and dissatisfaction I'm feeling right now. it's driving me insane. sometimes I think I am mentally insane. I don't know what decisiveness feels like, I can't seem to escape depression no matter how hard I try and things just keep getting worse and worse. I should be studying for a midterm right now but honestly I just don't care. . .

apprehension

tonight is my last night with the ipad. =( I've really grown to love this thing over the past two nights.
anyways I got in touch with enrique about writing for lambda today. something I've been saying I was gonna do for ages now. I'm just way to engulfed in other shit. anyways.
also I took my women's studies midterm and I think I did okay on that. don't wanna be too optimistic, that's when you fail.
other than that not much happening.
title relates to how I essentially approach everything in my life. with apprehension.
I'm usually I'm glad I did it afterwards but before that it's like pulling teeth.
oh I also got accepted to the retreat! which is amazing. hopefully nothing else will conflict. looks as if catalyst won't at this point.
looking forward to meeting some new (and get more acquainted with some old) gays and allies. that's on nov. 7.
I'm also gonna apply to be a c.u. counselor. hope I get it. I'm trying to do a lot of small leadership positions this year.
baby steps folks. baby steps.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

late night chit chat

I'm sitting here lying in my bed on the iPad and I can't get the "bluest eye in texas" out of my head. I think it's because I never did finish watching boys don't cry. at any rate I'm also listening to this ambient music and as I was on my tumblr I saw a post by my cousin whom I haven't spoken to in ages nor have I been particulary close too. however, her Facebook profile says she's in an open relationship with another girl and I always wanted to know if it was true. if it is that would be super awesome because to know I have a feminine, successful, queer relatively close family member would be amazing for some reason. I have no idea why but it would. I guess visibility really does matter because I mean it'd be someone to look up to close to me rather than distant celebraties. I may never know but until that day I'll continue hoping she is and secretly admiring her boldness cause personally I have a familial fb and personal fb. the former rarely gets checked and I'm currently at the stage where I no longer care but still it exists. she's awesome is the bottom line. and I honestly hope that maybe one day I'll be able to tell her she affected me positively or maybe she'll even read this and know. at any rate I'm appreciative and it helped me along in the self-acceptance process.

&& that's all folks.
-- lexy.

update

nothing to really say these past few days and the same holds true for today. I mean I could tAlk about the level of marginalization and discrimination on this campus but I prefer to stay happy and that would anger me. I could also talk about how I hate conservatives but we already know that. so I'll leave it at that.

went to a 90s party saturday and it was a lot of fun. a lot of pretty people there as well.

on my name change

my old name carried so much weight with it. it carried a lot of pain and hurt.
my new name I like a lot, it was a thoughtful and inspired. it's also gender neutral. I love it.
and I hope you'll respect that by calling me by that.

I wrote this in passing

people, people everywhere
milling about
and rushing about
while they make quick judgments
and shake their heads assuming things about me in their oakley shades, aldo suedes and ralph lauren sweaters
'cause I'm wearin' no name brand jeans, a yellow t-shirt, and $5 dollar shades that says more about me than they'll ever bother to wanna about me.
looking down on me 'cause I eat generic food and buy shit at thrift store that they'd pay $300 for.
then got the nerve to ask me "why you look like that? are you okay?"
am I okay living in a world where buying designer clothes and eating top notch dinners is more important than trying to get to know someone despite their status?
am I okay living in a world where sometimes the financial pressures get too heavy to bear and my life seems like it's about to tear.
am I okay barely keeping my head above water wondering where my next meal is gonna come from?
am I okay with trying to keep a straight face while you describe your last trip to urban outfitter and how much you spent buying this and that.
I ain't okay and sometimes it gets so hard I'd rather succumb.
and thanks to you one day it'll make me lose my mind
and honestly that'll be divine.

-- Lexy

once again

I'm tired of people coming in and telling me what to think and feel about my life.
I was riding the high of finding out that I'd gotten an A on my paper in communications. I've never gotten an A on anything on unc. it leaves me hope that maybe I am good at something. but then people come in with their "experiences" and sweeping accusations and they never cease to make me feel like less.

your life was rough
you've got the experiences of a grown woman
you've experienced so much hurt and loss
but I have too
and you talk to me as though I want what I've got
as though I'm proud of the things I have to do to get myself outta this slump
I was already sad and down and mad and hurt
that I had to take those things
those mind altering drugs
but I had become okay with it
I was dealing with it
and I should have known it wouldn't last
known my high would be blown by something real fast
and just as I should have know
you come along
with your sweeping generalities and knowledge
putting me down
letting me know that I shouldn't be down
(as if I already didn't know
as if wanted to be)
'cause life was gonna get much harder
and 'cause I wouldn't be able to keep my fixers forever
and I sat quietly recieving your message
feeling as though it was all true
slowly breaking down
and you left
and I cried.
feeling as though I was nothing.
absorbing your words
feeling weak and hurt as I always do
feeling sad because for some reason that's what I always resort to
feeling alone because I have no one to run to
(or don't want to 'cause i don't like getting people down with my troubles)
feeling like shit.
all just like I always do
starting this cycle of self hate and abuse all over again.
and even though I don't understand why (and probably never will)
it's what I always do.
and that's why I need the "fixers".
something to help me find new ways to cope with this hell we call life
so I don't feel so hopeless all the time
but then I remember needing fixers is for the weak and helpless
so now I hate me. . .
once again. . .

-- Lexy