once again

I'm tired of people coming in and telling me what to think and feel about my life.
I was riding the high of finding out that I'd gotten an A on my paper in communications. I've never gotten an A on anything on unc. it leaves me hope that maybe I am good at something. but then people come in with their "experiences" and sweeping accusations and they never cease to make me feel like less.

your life was rough
you've got the experiences of a grown woman
you've experienced so much hurt and loss
but I have too
and you talk to me as though I want what I've got
as though I'm proud of the things I have to do to get myself outta this slump
I was already sad and down and mad and hurt
that I had to take those things
those mind altering drugs
but I had become okay with it
I was dealing with it
and I should have known it wouldn't last
known my high would be blown by something real fast
and just as I should have know
you come along
with your sweeping generalities and knowledge
putting me down
letting me know that I shouldn't be down
(as if I already didn't know
as if wanted to be)
'cause life was gonna get much harder
and 'cause I wouldn't be able to keep my fixers forever
and I sat quietly recieving your message
feeling as though it was all true
slowly breaking down
and you left
and I cried.
feeling as though I was nothing.
absorbing your words
feeling weak and hurt as I always do
feeling sad because for some reason that's what I always resort to
feeling alone because I have no one to run to
(or don't want to 'cause i don't like getting people down with my troubles)
feeling like shit.
all just like I always do
starting this cycle of self hate and abuse all over again.
and even though I don't understand why (and probably never will)
it's what I always do.
and that's why I need the "fixers".
something to help me find new ways to cope with this hell we call life
so I don't feel so hopeless all the time
but then I remember needing fixers is for the weak and helpless
so now I hate me. . .
once again. . .

-- Lexy

this one's been a long time coming (untitled #7)

I used to follow your lead in every way

Hung onto every word you had to say

Knowing that you were leading me astray.

And even to this day I have much regret for that

Compromising myself, letting you define me

You just meant so much to me, I just couldn’t disregard the instructions you gave

You were so wise to me, so loving, so caring

I looked up to you, you seemed the most gracious creature.

I excused so many of the hurtful things you’d say

Without so much as a word as explanation

And even when those words would tear me down,

I’d defend you and say “oh she’s just bitter.”

But looking back that doesn’t excuse all the moments you lashed out--

Out at an innocent child

Especially since you claimed you only wanted the best for me

And while these experiences may have made me the woman I am today

I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy,

‘Cause with tears streaking down my face,

My self-esteem was in the gutter,

And my self-worth was diminished.

Although you may have meant the best you didn’t give it,

I’d even go so far as to say sometimes you gave your worst

especially since actions speak louder than words

And even now you hate my kind and hurt me with those same actions and expressions

So see it’s funny when you say you love me simply ‘cause I’ve witnessed you discriminate against and hate those you also “love.”

So while I may shed a tear writing this,

It’ll only because I may lose your love for being me.

Because you may withdraw your support simply for who I am.

And because of the things endured by little me.

But it’ll never be for who I turned out to be.

Or for doing what I know to be right.

‘Cause in your doing “right”

A lot of damage was done

So don’t go judging me

Because despite anything you may “know” I know I’m still a righteous, deserving person.

And I hope your happy unknowingly hating me.

Because I’m happy being me. 

-- Lexy

p.s. if you feel animosity, resentment, or any of those type of emotions exuding from this poem you got it right.

now I'm gonna go watch something funny to pick up my mood. smh.

good night folks. 

maintaining friendships

fso I think my best friend is done with me.
and the thought of that hurts my soul.
so I've done something for her.
and me writing poetry for someone is something to be honored 'cause it says a lot.
I don't do it often 'cause my poetry is spose to be about me. -sigh-
anyways here goes.

for amy.

            F – or  

            R – ealizing

            I – diotic

            E – xpressions

compa N – ions  

            D – isclose

            S – enselessly

my words and my friends

they’re all I have.

I make mistakes.

I apologize endlessly.

I hurt and stab with my words.

But not intentionally.

My brutal honesty and unwanted opinions may just be the death of me

But I ask even if I die by my own sword sharpened with my unintentional harm

That you stick by me

And continue to be there for me.

So I will put away my words and uninvited analyses

While you hopefully come to forgive me

So that I can be a better me when you rebefriend me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

untiled #6

I'm listening to music while reading a book

thinking I’d rather write but not really wanted to do either of the two,

wondering what it’s like to have someone to whisper sweet nothings to

and make love with

and cuddle with

and eventually fall asleep with.

someone who can make your dreams be a reality.

someone you can share your desires with,

your love

your work,

your body,

your home,

your feelings,

your emotion,

and everything in between.

someone whom you know loves you back.

and thinks the same of you.

I wonder what this feels like.

and though I know I should be patient

I just wish I’d feel these things right now.

as well as the pain, hurt, disappointment, and displeasantries that comes along with this want.

holding on takes a lot

yet I keep the hope that one day I’ll know what these things feel like

but until then I'll jus keep expressing the yearning I have for it.


&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

for the sake of love

we sacrifice.

we find ourselves giving up a part of ourselves.

accepting mediocrities

and half truths.

even things we know are far from the truth.

I'm not talking romantic love.

I'm talking unconditional love.

familial love.

the love we should have for one another.

I just don't know sometimes how we can claim to love one another.

when we hate 

when we discriminate 

when we ostracize

and point out flaws in a critical way.

never uplifting to one another.

what happened to that brotherly love, my brother?

it got lost in the shuffle.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

Alive & in America

so living in america gives me an advantage. . .supposedly.
but did you know there are some parts of the united states that have conditions comparable to living in a third world country?
did you know that there is a LARGE disparity between the impoverished and wealthy AND that that gap is growing more everyday?
did you know that the chances of an impoverished citizen climbing the s.e.s. ladder these days are significantly less than it was about 20 years ago?
but. we live in america and that gives us an advantage . . .I guess.
did you know that there are more homeless children in america than adults?
did you know that more funding goes to prisons than schools?
did you know that cases of reported domestic abuse is just as high as ever before?
-sigh- we live in america though. we have an advantage. . . I think.
hey but did you know that more people here die of preventable disease than any other developed country?
did you know that healthcare here focuses on treatment than prevention?
did you know mothers don't get adequate healthcare benefits?
did you know that even children can't get public service sometimes?
but I can't complain though, we live in america. . .maybe.
people here still fight for basic rights
for rights against discrimination because of their sexual orientation.
we still have policies in effect to prevent racial discrimination.
sexism.
and any other -ism you can think of.
but we're lucky to be living in america. right?
I know my trials may not be as large as those in other countries.
but don't tell me I have it easy in america.
'cause you just don't know the trials and tribulations of some here.
it ain't easy bein' american.
it ain't easy . . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

untitled #5

hope and optimism left me a long time ago

and now I’m just cold.

I tried using a throw

but chills creeped up my spine.

I tried drinking some hot tea

that only lasted momentarily

then I tried something that was new to me

and that’d be trying to love thee

and…when that didn’t warm me

I knew there was something wrong with me

I knew it wasn’t for me.

I gave up on life quickly.

a part died in me.

I couldn’t stand to live that way,

so I thought maybe it’d best to depart that day

leave my lame rhyme schemes

and my stupid college scene

all  behind me.

I left life that way.

I truly died that day,

jumping straight into harms way.

I wanted to die that day

killing me slowly

I let my lifestyle tear my heart away.

now I’m stuck that way.

-- lexy. 

*disclaimer* I think this is one of the crappiest poems I have ever written but I'm posting anyways. it was written around sept. 2009. 

untitled #2

gathered around this plot
bidding you one final farewell
I’m honestly glad to see you gone.
I know that seems wrong
but honestly you had done me so much harm.

even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t have taken anymore pain from you.
because I’d been a sucker for punishment for far too long.
you abused my ego
and robbed me of trust.
stealing my faith
and locking my confidence in a box.

due to your seemingly intense hatred I will never be the same.
almost destined to be alone.
I was undeserving and
never fully understanding it,
I just learned to do without your love
but really wanting to wallow in misery. 


-- lexy. 

untiled #1

I am uninspired
since there’s nothing transpiring.

words escape me
I battle a fading memory
fleeting time and
unsettled emotions

I know not how to express myself
and everything seems to have come to a head
and true to form I’ve begin running
unable to stop
yet standing still

I feel completely unoriginal
nothing’s authentic
and the pain I feel for you?
no different.

you’re nothing different.
because I simply feel indifferent.

my inability to believe in me,
my inability to have faith in me
arise from you.

I no longer know me
I have no idea why I’m here
why life’s path brought me here
I can’t handle this.

constantly hurt
always used
naivety always fooling me.
only deception and trickery befriending me.
now doubting myself
I have given up.

with nothing left to give
all I wanted was a friend
but they too seem to be fleeting – true emotions hard to come by.
- - lexy.


p.s. the numbers ARE sequential, I just post the poetry out of order (meaning I wrote this one before I wrote the one previously posted). 

untitled #7

you have a way with words they say.

an uncanny ability to convey intangible things

but my seemingly beautiful talent is a burden I carry

with great weight.

maybe one day I’ll learn to appreciate

but as of this day and many others I can only hate

because without it I am prevented from concentration

from sleep

from eating

from working

and from being whole, from feeling whole.

yet with it I am prevented from these same things while the words flow out of me

hoping that I can express my pain

my hurt

my love

my anger

my deepest emotions

the only way I know how, the best I know how.

just trying to survive.

this burden, this weight I carry

is my lifeline

and it works both ways.

i’ve jus got to learn to embrace.

-- lexy.