Barriers

tonight I went to t.o.y. and the discussion was about "coming out" and I realize that I kind of think it was pointless now since my parents never discuss it or talk about it or mention it. like my parents didn't even acknowledge that it's lgbtq month, they don't ask about my social life or anything. and maybe they don't wanna seem like they're prying or maybe they want me to initiate the conversation. whatever it is I just wish they would ask a little more, be a little more caring in that sense. like I understand that I'm an adult and I'm supposed to come to you but it would be nice if every once and a while they asked me a few questions. and I'm not saying I want to talk about it everyday either but it's been a month and we've talked about it once for like 30 minutes. to be honest as supportive as they say they are I feel rather uncomfortable even talking about anything remotely gay with them and it's like they don't wanna comment on anything either. I feel like instead of opening up the communication it actually cut it off and sometimes I wonder if they even wanna know about my social or romantic life. I mean honestly at this point I've resigned to not telling them about either (as if there's anything to say about my romantic life anyways *rolls eyes*) just to spare them the discomfort the whole thing may cause. I mean I know they need time to adjust and what not but I'm their child just like before and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I don't wanna have to wait and I just want us to be open like we were before. . . *sigh*

sometimes it's just so hard to understand why my parents just can't communicate with me about the subject or why my mom has to be contradictory about the issue or why my dad thinks it's a choice. I mean my mom will say "lifestyle choice" but then tell me that she doesn't think it's a choice and my dad says things like "your situation", "your lifestyle", etc which irk the shit out of me. I think it's because I haven't heard the word lesbian or gay come out of either of their mouthes to describe me. I'm not asking you shout it to the world but I'm asking when you talk about it instead of struggling for phrases that are probably offensive or inappropriate just use those words instead. overall I'm grateful though because it could have been a lot worse and I'm fortunate in this case.  however, things could be better and most of all I just wish I didn't feel like I was walking around on eggshells everyday and that we were in two totally different worlds. 

which brings me to another point: when I'm in charlotte I must admit that I may go overboard on the gay events 'cause my world here is very heterosexual and I feel that in order to connect with lgbtq's I have to go to lgbtq events whereas in chapel hill the likelihood of running across one randomly is a lot higher. either way my lgbtq life could use a pick me up in charlotte.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

Part One of Two

soooo after mulling it over for months now, writing several letters, envisioning conversations, etc. I have finally decided to come out to my parents. I wrote the letter this morning and will be overnighting it to them today as well. I feel optimistic and hopeful due to much support from friends and my therapist not because I think my parents will be accepting. not that they've ever been anything but, they've never showed an animosity towards homos, matter-of-fact they have a gay friend. however, I shivered as I wrote that letter. I wrung my hands until they were numb, a pit formed in my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes and I felt nauseous. either way its written and I'm sending it regardless. this is a letter straight from the heart with many of the tips and advice I have gotten and read thrown in. we'll see how this goes. I'll write part two of two when they receive it and call me to let me know how they feel.

&& I'm out. (literally too!)
-- lexy.

Been A Long Time Coming

this blog has indeed been a long time coming. but in light of just-a-joe's coming out process I felt like I should put myself out there too, I have a lot less to lose.

so yes I am a lesbian. I am a triple minority: black, female, and gay.
a year ago though I was so far in the closest it was like narnia, you fell into another fucking universe but a few months into college I just decided that I couldn't be in the closet anymore, at least with my friends.
I'm risking a  lot by posting this on such a public space as my parents do not know yet but whatevs.
it is what it is and I wanted to put it out there so you know the writer of this blog and maybe understand my plights a little more.

this photo quite accurately describes me

&& I'm out (both ways. haha)
-- lexy.