Bear With Me

So I know it's been a minute since I've posted but I've been real busy trying to be a studious college kid a shit. Hold out until after Halloween (which I'm excited about) and I should be goodie. To slightly amuse yourself look at this cute picture that matches my title:

&& I'm out.

-- lexy. 

"She's Nothing Like A Girl You've Ever Seen Before"

Soooooooooo "Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta (feat. Akon) is just beginning to hit the U.S. and I looovvveeee the song. (Some would argue this point but whatever).

My friends have a really good description of this song, it's so funny but I'm afraid if I explain it here the comedy will be lost so just ask when you see me in person if you're that interested. =]







And then there are other songs/singles that I'm absolutely in love with right now including (but not limited to)
{blue = new, red = semi-new, yellow = old, green = throwback} :

• 3 - Britney Spears
• Infinity (Klass Vocals Mix) - Guru Josh Project
• Timebomb - Beck
• Dance Like A Freak - DJ Class
• Hotel Room Service - Pitbull
• Under (Morgan Page Remix) - (I'm not sure of the artist)
• Money Honey, I Like It Rough, and Starstruck (feat. Flo Rida) [3 different songs] - Lada Gaga
• Chillin' - Wale (feat. Lady Gaga)
• XR2 - M.I.A.
• Girls On the Dance Floor - The Far East Movement
• Kiss My Sass - Cobra Starship
• Now That We're Done - Metro Station
• Sooner Than Later - Drake 
• Intention (Edit) - Josh Gabriel
• Oh Sheila - Ready for the World

Whoa... this list is getting out of hand. Lol.

I love sooooooooooooooo much music.

I can't help it. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

Oh My God, You Can't Breathe? I'm SO Sorry

I've had trouble sitting down to write this blog for quite a few days now. I can't get the words to come to me... more like the title. I don't like writing things and giving them whack ass titles. I'd rather leave them untitled before I do that.

Not the point though.

I've been thinking and I noticed that I'm super clingy when it comes to my friends.

I'm a 'loaner' in most aspects but then again I'm not.... honestly I'm everything and it's contradiction but that's another blog altogether. Anyways I cling to my friends and I have super high expectations of them even though I know that honestly they have no real ties to me outside of the ones they create. I expect these really high rates of communication and to hang out with me frequently and it's really bad. I have to remind myself that my friends are simply friends and nothing more. I have to say I'm sorry if I'm ever too much to bear but it's in my nature. I've never had many friends and the ones I do have I would really love to keep and not lose contact with (which is another flaw of mine: hating change but that too is another topic). Sometimes I question if it's truly a negative thing though because I feel like friends should value each other and what not but maybe that too is another high expectation. I don't know, maybe my standards are too high and maybe I've got my shit all twisted. It's real hard for me sometimes to read people's expectations.

But before I start rambling the main purpose is to say I'm sorry in advance to my friends if I'm ever too clingy or I begin to suffocate you because it's in my nature and I don't mean to ['cause we all know clinginess is 'unattractive' (for a lack of a better word)].

&& I'm out.

-- lexy. 

Re-creation Was Only An Illusion

In high school I remember constantly talking about getting a fresh start and beginning anew as if going to college was synonymous with a blank slate or fresh start but just as I feared it was not. I fell into the trap of acting like me instead of carving a new being, becoming a blank slate where no one knew me. Ugh. I missed my chance and now I've got to deal with what I've got until I get the chance again. And no one of this is to say I haven't liked the people I met or made new friends its just to say that I'm overall disappointed with the way I've handled the recreation of me.

Unlike this picture where the sun is peeking through I failed to begin anew.

I mean I even stayed the same so much that I even let myself fall into that trap of liking someone that will never feel the same about me, something I promised I wouldn't do... It's fucking annoying. Yuck. And this is me being me.

And I guess I'm stuck with it.

&& I'm done.
-- lexy.

Ay Nerds Like It Too

There seems to be this notion that nerds don't like sex or sexual contact and that'd be a mistake to make that assumption.

*****Hold Up.... This is completely out of character but it needs to be said.*****

Like I was saying just because I tend to like Star Wars, playing video games, and knowing odd facts doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person. And just because I'm not talking about it constantly or that it's not my every thought (or every other thought) doesn't mean sex repulses me. I mean I'm no prude by any means I just don't feel the need to publicize my desires. I'm an adult and adults don't splash their business everywhere like a splatter painting. I'm just speaking for myself here though, as a fellow nerd.

&& That's all
-- lexy.

All The Things I Should Have Said

As I slowly tell my friends more and more about my peculiar habits and odd ways I feel like these are people I've been waiting to meet my entire life. They don't judge me and for that I'm grateful.

Anyways I really hate writing without a point and here I am doing just that today, with no clear direction.
I noticed I have a problem. I always talk about how I'm socially awkward (although no one agrees) and here's an example:

I greet a table of people of whom I know two people. I say "hello ___ & ____. hey everybody else."

There's problem number 1, why did it seem okay to say "hello everyone else"? I mean thinking back on it it seems incredibly rude but then it would have been worse not to greet them at all. I could have perhaps made eye contact with everyone and greeted them all at once with a hearty "hey, wassup?".

Okay so the two I spoke to responded and then I stand there, confused about my next action. Do I stand there and converse or do I walk away. I chose the latter. I walked away feeling disillusioned but here's where the paranoia kicks in. As soon as I step away from the table I begin to wonder if they're talking about me, actually convinced they're laughing at me. And there lies problem 2. My paranoia complex which I presented a blog or two ago. Does everyone experience anxiety like this? Am I not alone? Or is everyone else comfortable enough not to care? And then at the end of the day I go back through and analyze every social interaction I've had that day and analyze it for ways I could have strengthened my responses and things I can avoid for tomorrows interactions. Therein lies problem 3. Why am I analyzing conversations that have passed for flaws and ways I can strengthen them like it's a rough draft of a paper? Ugh. It's so frustrating and QUITE exhausting. Even when I honestly don't want to analyze I do, I just can't help myself. Anxiety of this level can not be good for you. Problem number 4 lies in the fact that I can't help myself when it comes to apologizing even though I advocate for people to apologize left. I later apologized to that group of people on another day trying to explain my situation (and that too didn't come out quite right). Problem 5 kicks in after the apologies, if that didn't go quite right and I deem the entire conversation a fuck up then I overcompensate by trying to have an extra good conversation which generally leads to social fau pauxs (sp?) the next time I see you or worse I avoid you until I think you've forgotten (and even then when we talk I'm wondering if your thinking about it). Problem 6 comes in the face of me overcompensating -- poor word choice. My diction sucks and I'm generally a well-spoken individual, just not so much when it comes to myself.  So I think I may need treatment for this and it's part of the reason I'm a loner, being around people just tends to put me out, like I can't function properly because I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I always get the feeling I leave shitty first impressions which is why I'm always shocked when someone wants to be my friend.

Trouble with all this tends to be that I'm doing nothing but tiring myself out.
I think it's long overdue I give a big shout out/thanks to KB H. just 'cause she encouraged me to blog again. Probably wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Cheers to blogging without a purpose.
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&& I'm Out
-- lexy.

Oh The Things I Could Be

But will never be continue to haunt me.

People claim they love me but I've heard that many time before...

And all the times those words have hurt.

Putting far too much trust in humans and anything they say.

Friends should always be there and not only when they want you to be there.

And I know I've said it a thousand times but I hope I'm not annoying you...

Forgive me for I'm clingy since I've never had a friend as sincere as thee.

Even though I'm doubtful of your intentions too.

So because I'm leery but mostly scared

I'll guard my own heart with a lock and key.

I'll swallow it and no one will ever open.

Oop.

I hope I'm not annoying you with my back and forth tactics.

Now I'm confusing even me 'cause

I just wanted a dear friend and now I've got more than I've bargained for.

I've developed a love for you nothing could ever replace.

So I'll just stay and keep being friends

'cause it's all I've got

and probably all I'll ever get from you.

Even though a stylish kid like you should be interested in a nerd like me.

Oh the things WE could be.

[And I understand all too well it will never come to pass but I will always be there].
&& I love you.

-- lexy. 

Dude! Quit Staring at Me -- It's Making Me Nervous

Let me start by saying I have a paranoia complex.

Whatever that means right?

No seriously, I'm ridiculously self conscious AND I always think people are talking about me...always.
Simply put, I'm just not socially fit.

At this school the honor code is stressed like no other.
I feel like we're in Orwell's 1984 where Big Brother is watching me at all times.
Like while I surf the internet
and listening to me as I converse with friends or when I'm on the phone.
And don't say it's illegal.
'Cause our government is full of shit these days and I don't trust it.
Obama or not.
I feel like I'm being watched right now too.
I don't wanna do anything to dirty or treacherous because I'm so sure I'll be arrested or that I'll be called up to honor court.
And just something about that word "court" that makes a black person sweat. I don't wanna be in court.
Maybe I'm over reacting but

I could swear Big Brother's watching.
And if it turns out to be true. I won't say I told you so, I don't need to, you'll already know as I'll have been called up to honor court for all those times I questioned them and the morals of this university.
One pretends to be high and on good standing but this university is just as corrupt as everything else.
And no I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm just a paranoid college kid with a knack for detecting bullshit.
How else will they know if you illegally download?
They watch.
By posting this I may lose credibility.
You may question my sanity.
And you may laugh at me.
But this is my spot. A place for wizardry (and wishful thinking) and sometimes poetry.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.