I Got So Weary Traveling Alone...

if the blog didn't keep track of the posting dates

2011-07-22T04:37:00.000-04:00

then I wouldn't be able to tell you the last time I've logged in to my blog. I've pretty much abandoned it and I should be ashamed but then I've abandoned pretty much all forms of keeping in touch with people and I really don't know or understand why because it's not like I'm exceptionally busy or something. anyways me keeping a consistent blog is nearly impossible but I'm really gonna try. part of it is 'cause I feel like I'm running out of shit to say.

long time no see

2011-02-25T12:46:00.001-05:00

it's been a long ass time since I've written a blog; I think about doing it often but then I succumb to laziness. right now I'm coming here to write out of sheer desperation. there is no one awake in this room. they sleep all day everyday. and I'm so very lonely and sad. everything is looking dismal right now and I don't even know why. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so dissatisfied with my life that it's not even funny anymore. so much so that I just want it to be over. is that a ridiculous thing to say? I mean I just feel like dropping dead would have to be better than the amount of boredom, frustration and dissatisfaction I'm feeling right now. it's driving me insane. sometimes I think I am mentally insane. I don't know what decisiveness feels like, I can't seem to escape depression no matter how hard I try and things just keep getting worse and worse. I should be studying for a midterm right now but honestly I just don't care. . .

apprehension

2010-10-06T03:13:00.002-04:00

tonight is my last night with the ipad. =( I've really grown to love this thing over the past two nights.
anyways I got in touch with enrique about writing for lambda today. something I've been saying I was gonna do for ages now. I'm just way to engulfed in other shit. anyways.
also I took my women's studies midterm and I think I did okay on that. don't wanna be too optimistic, that's when you fail.
other than that not much happening.
title relates to how I essentially approach everything in my life. with apprehension.
I'm usually I'm glad I did it afterwards but before that it's like pulling teeth.
oh I also got accepted to the retreat! which is amazing. hopefully nothing else will conflict. looks as if catalyst won't at this point.
looking forward to meeting some new (and get more acquainted with some old) gays and allies. that's on nov. 7.
I'm also gonna apply to be a c.u. counselor. hope I get it. I'm trying to do a lot of small leadership positions this year.
baby steps folks. baby steps.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

late night chit chat

2010-10-05T02:22:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting here lying in my bed on the iPad and I can't get the "bluest eye in texas" out of my head. I think it's because I never did finish watching boys don't cry. at any rate I'm also listening to this ambient music and as I was on my tumblr I saw a post by my cousin whom I haven't spoken to in ages nor have I been particulary close too. however, her Facebook profile says she's in an open relationship with another girl and I always wanted to know if it was true. if it is that would be super awesome because to know I have a feminine, successful, queer relatively close family member would be amazing for some reason. I have no idea why but it would. I guess visibility really does matter because I mean it'd be someone to look up to close to me rather than distant celebraties. I may never know but until that day I'll continue hoping she is and secretly admiring her boldness cause personally I have a familial fb and personal fb. the former rarely gets checked and I'm currently at the stage where I no longer care but still it exists. she's awesome is the bottom line. and I honestly hope that maybe one day I'll be able to tell her she affected me positively or maybe she'll even read this and know. at any rate I'm appreciative and it helped me along in the self-acceptance process.

&& that's all folks.
-- lexy.

update

2010-10-04T17:25:00.001-04:00

nothing to really say these past few days and the same holds true for today. I mean I could tAlk about the level of marginalization and discrimination on this campus but I prefer to stay happy and that would anger me. I could also talk about how I hate conservatives but we already know that. so I'll leave it at that.

went to a 90s party saturday and it was a lot of fun. a lot of pretty people there as well.

on my name change

2010-09-28T15:11:00.000-04:00

my old name carried so much weight with it. it carried a lot of pain and hurt.
my new name I like a lot, it was a thoughtful and inspired. it's also gender neutral. I love it.
and I hope you'll respect that by calling me by that.

I wrote this in passing

2010-09-27T18:20:00.001-04:00

people, people everywhere
milling about
and rushing about
while they make quick judgments
and shake their heads assuming things about me in their oakley shades, aldo suedes and ralph lauren sweaters
'cause I'm wearin' no name brand jeans, a yellow t-shirt, and $5 dollar shades that says more about me than they'll ever bother to wanna about me.
looking down on me 'cause I eat generic food and buy shit at thrift store that they'd pay $300 for.
then got the nerve to ask me "why you look like that? are you okay?"
am I okay living in a world where buying designer clothes and eating top notch dinners is more important than trying to get to know someone despite their status?
am I okay living in a world where sometimes the financial pressures get too heavy to bear and my life seems like it's about to tear.
am I okay barely keeping my head above water wondering where my next meal is gonna come from?
am I okay with trying to keep a straight face while you describe your last trip to urban outfitter and how much you spent buying this and that.
I ain't okay and sometimes it gets so hard I'd rather succumb.
and thanks to you one day it'll make me lose my mind
and honestly that'll be divine.

-- Lexy

once again

2010-09-27T03:48:00.003-04:00

I'm tired of people coming in and telling me what to think and feel about my life.
I was riding the high of finding out that I'd gotten an A on my paper in communications. I've never gotten an A on anything on unc. it leaves me hope that maybe I am good at something. but then people come in with their "experiences" and sweeping accusations and they never cease to make me feel like less.

your life was rough
you've got the experiences of a grown woman
you've experienced so much hurt and loss
but I have too
and you talk to me as though I want what I've got
as though I'm proud of the things I have to do to get myself outta this slump
I was already sad and down and mad and hurt
that I had to take those things
those mind altering drugs
but I had become okay with it
I was dealing with it
and I should have known it wouldn't last
known my high would be blown by something real fast
and just as I should have know
you come along
with your sweeping generalities and knowledge
putting me down
letting me know that I shouldn't be down
(as if I already didn't know
as if wanted to be)
'cause life was gonna get much harder
and 'cause I wouldn't be able to keep my fixers forever
and I sat quietly recieving your message
feeling as though it was all true
slowly breaking down
and you left
and I cried.
feeling as though I was nothing.
absorbing your words
feeling weak and hurt as I always do
feeling sad because for some reason that's what I always resort to
feeling alone because I have no one to run to
(or don't want to 'cause i don't like getting people down with my troubles)
feeling like shit.
all just like I always do
starting this cycle of self hate and abuse all over again.
and even though I don't understand why (and probably never will)
it's what I always do.
and that's why I need the "fixers".
something to help me find new ways to cope with this hell we call life
so I don't feel so hopeless all the time
but then I remember needing fixers is for the weak and helpless
so now I hate me. . .
once again. . .

-- Lexy

a breath of fresh air

2010-09-25T18:50:00.001-04:00

today was pride. I'm still awake. I have yet to go to sleep from yesterday and I had to drink a five hour energy but that's okay 'cause I loved it. it was like a breath of fresh air in it all.
in the heteronormative world we live in where the fight for rights is continual.
where the fight for live is continual.
it was a breath of fresh air to someone like me whose been under the weather for quite some time now.
a burst of energy for those who felt like they had none left.
a canvas for those who thought they weren't creative.
an outlet for those who are scared of what others may think.
a home for those who feel like an interloper everywhere else.
a place for outrageousness.
a place where everyone is loved.
a place where I felt at home.

pride was amazing, it was my first one but it was so great to see so many people out and people bought out their children and babies too. that was encouraging.
it was great to see that streets got blocked off and police escorts were provided for our day of celebration too. it was great to see so many people so jovial. everything was so amazing.
there were plenty of flaws in sight but the amazingness swallowed them whole and I will always cherish this day no matter what.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

and so it still exists

2010-09-24T22:00:00.002-04:00

this university every year never ceases to show me that racism still exists.
this girl indirectly told me she was racist last night on the p2p and that it was intrinsic, she couldn't help it. I never knew ignorance and hatred came natural.
anyways I've never felt so marginalized but in my tiredness I couldn't respond. couldn't lash back. for you see I had only had 2 hours of sleep the night before and it was then 11 p.m. I was beat. she caught me on the right day and good for me I suppose because any other day I would have slapped her ass.
so for those of you who question whether race is still relevant just look to me to let you know.
on a happier note today was payday and I can finally stop feeling so shitty about my bank account.
I live a true paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. some would say but not really 'cause you've got your parents but not me. they live one too. we aren't that well off. so I depend on others and that's a blow to the psyche. it sucks.
I haven't got much to say though. just that it was an okay day today. life seems like it can be okay. like I can breathe a little more.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

when will it end?

2010-09-23T02:24:00.000-04:00

it's been "three" days since I've posted and I apologize. I've been trying to update every other day but sometimes it's really hard with my busy life especially since I like to post very thought provoking, heartfelt blogs.

today I read "a very hungry girl" by jessica weiner, yet another book for women's studies. it was depressing at first but then she actually gave us solutions at the end. she makes it seems like the tunnel actually has a light at the end. I still feel crappy though and often times I feel as though life has defeated me, like I want to throw up that white flag of surrender but my friends won't let me. mainly haley and trinh. so I would like to give a very special thanks to them. continuing though I'm supposed to be going back to cws this morning but I'm really apprehensive and sort of ashamed. . .why you may ask, that is because I did this same thing last year. I feel ashamed that I'm needing this help again, that I've let myself slip so far off the bandwagon. it hurts and it sucks. now that I'm writing this I kind of don't even want to be talking about it at all especially not with the internet but I've learned that if we share our stories we can prevent someone else from experiencing our immense pain.

I don't exactly know how to explain it except mood swings but generally at one moment I can be happy, okay, ambitious, ready to tackle the world and literally moments later I'm full of rage, hate and anger and once that phase passes I swiftly move into sadness. it usually lasts much longer than the other phases, ranging from hours to days. a sadness that is filled with despair and hate of my very being, every single thing that makes up me. eventually that hate builds up to intense suicidal thoughts and impulses in which I am on the verge of throwing myself into traffic or jumping from a tall building (both of which are highly accessible on unc's campus). my friends though knowing how close I am to losing my sanity are constantly looking out, watching and stopping me. they stop me but it doesn't stop the intensity of the feelings. the only thing that does that is sleep or music but sleep is highly elusive since my mind is usually racing with thoughts making music the default. it only quells the feelings and thoughts though, nothing completely gets rid of them. in this stage I'm usually very antisocial and mean. I hate it, I push my friends away and isolate myself exactly what I don't want nor need. I have no idea where this came from and why it's so intense this semester. sometimes I think it's this campus, I don't know. the pretentious bitches who walk around making us all feel bad about ourselves.

it's like here I am nothing. I have nothing. no special talents, no extraordinary writing ability, no physical beauty, no charisma, no academic success or anything. I am average, if that. it's hard to feel special here, especially for me. I feel constantly marginalized by other people. I am fat, I am ugly, I am undesirable. I feel these things on a daily basis and no matter how many times I confide in my dad he comes at it with a firm hand rather than understanding and in the end it just makes it all worse and makes the self loathing stronger. I have no assets, I have nothing to offer this world is what I constantly feel like and I don't know how much longer my mind can withstand such a beating. . .

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

My Thoughts May Just Be The Death of Me

2010-09-20T18:12:00.001-04:00

last night I was up far too late as usual because I took a nap earlier and I was thinking about the phone conversation I had with my dad earlier that day. I called him to catch up because it had been far too long since we'd had a conversation of substance. at any rate we were chatting and what not and I was talking about the triangle pride parade this coming weekend except I didn't say that. I just said "yea there's a parade this weekend so I don't think you all should come up." my dad's always been the nosey/inquisitive type so he asked if there was a holiday this weekend and I was like "yes, sort of. I mean", exactly like that. the next thing he said was "are you in a place where you don't feel safe talking about it?" I thought, wtf? no. if anything the people here all rush to the gay pride but to him I simply said "no, it's the triangle pride parade." pause. it's not as if my parents don't know, I mean they do it's just that the conversation is always awkward and I would just prefer not to talk about it with them plain and simple so whenever I do gay things I just say it and move on or don't bother telling them. resume. he then says "well you know we're okay with your choice. . ." I really don't remember much of what he said after that because I was so irked by that comment that I was off the phone within a minute later. the one thing I really pushed to them about my sexuality was that it was not something I chose, it just was. and he says that all the time, every single time he brings it up and it's quite annoying. it's disrespectful and honestly it leads me to believe he is not really okay with it, he's just saying that to say it. I was so irritated by the conversation I didn't even think about the fact that he said my family wouldn't be home for my birthday even though I would (another blow to the face). I was supposed to call my mom and nana after that but I just couldn't because I was so agitated.

it was later while I was thinking that it would be a lot easier than people think for me to become estranged from the majority of my family just because of their silly opinions, sexist attitudes and ridiculousness. I love them and they helped me a lot while growing up but they also hindered me and hurt me too. and continue to do it even when I inform them, making them better informed people! that means they make conscientious decisions to further hurt me and say mean things and honestly I don't want to be associated with such nonsense. I don't hate them, I never could but I strongly dislike their actions and the opinions they display sometimes. so until I see a change. I won't be putting myself in harms. *shrugs*

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Why I'm No longer Eating at Thanksgiving

2010-09-19T18:12:00.001-04:00

at t-giving I'll no longer be participating in the talk around the dinner table, chowing down on baked ham, dressing and cranberry sauce or taking that after dinner nap.

why you may ask. well it's simple: blatant sexism. the men in my family believe heavily in gender roles and I refuse to take a part in the laziness they exude every year at thanksgiving. every year the women slave in the kitchen the night before and day of cooking all those dishes and making sure everything is perfect. and every year the women serve the men their dinners and every year the men eat their food, pat their stomachs, yawn, get up and push away from the table to go lie on the couch and watch football or smoke or whatever. and what do the women do after they've slaved over the stove, served them, and eaten themselves? they then proceed to march back in the kitchen and wash scores of dishes. the huge pots all the food was in, the plates we ate off, and the silverware we ate with. it's utterly ridiculous and I REFUSE to participate in it anymore. if I don't eat, I don't have to take a part in that cleanup madness. don't the men think that the women are perhaps a little tired after two days of cooking? or do they just not care at all? I honestly believe it's the latter. I constantly bring it up and they either laugh or brush me off as just a rebellious teenager.
well no more will I be laughed at or brushed off.

will it suck to smell all that delicious food and know that I am not allowing myself to partake in it? yes it will but it can and will be done. these men need to learn I am nobody's servant and just like I have two hands to wash a dish, so do you. so you can shove your chauvinistic, sexist, bigoted point of view up your ass for all I care. and the women are just as guilty because they LET their men get away with it and what do they do while they let them get away with it? they complain! ha! I will no longer listen to the complaints and I will no longer watch those fellows sit idly by. I will take matters into my own hands and prove a point because at this thanksgiving I won't be eating.

besides who needs all that fattening food in one day anyway?

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

Lovely Carolina

2010-09-17T20:27:00.001-04:00

majority of the time when I walk around this school, if I'm being honest, I strongly dislike. the people are pretentious, judgmental and rude if your not in the upper crust of society. other than that people are just straight up rude, walking into you, stepping on you, pushing you and taking whatever liberties they want never expecting and lashing back or repercussions.

secondly the faculty and staff here value athletics above everything else. consistently year, after year the school sees growth in enrollment, an overstuffed lenoir, shortage of beds and the likes. yet the first project they decide to tackle on campus is the fact that kenan stadium needs more box/club/whatever seats. and on game days students get their spots (which they paid $300) preempted JUST so some drunken alumni can go to the fucking game. fuck them, what about my damn car? and don't encourage me to take my car home because you never know where someone lives, what will they do with their car? I especially hate how crowded it gets, how bold bitches get, and how they push you out of the way. athletes get that special training and tutoring (which has now come under fire) to make sure they pass they classes whereas me? I'm just a number at this stupid ass school. people don't know my name and never will. I hate how in america athletes are shoved above everything else just because the benefits of education don't immediately become evident.

honestly I spend more time wishing I had went to a different school more than anyone should and if I could do it all again with this knowledge I would. transfer you say? never that because the overbearing, over-the-top, unnecessary academics keep my gpa just shitty enough to only to be able to stay here. at any rate this ol' lovely carolina is where I call home. =\

-- Lexy

In the End, it All Stays the Same

2010-09-15T22:27:00.001-04:00

I realized the other day as I was in a state. in a state of what you may ask and I wish I could tell you but I don't know what the state is. maybe it's sleepiness and subconscious fears or maybe it was just me zoning out, at any rate it's the same state I'm in now. one in which the screen is blurring as I type and my mind is numb. none of this is the point. the point is that I realized people can claim not to be superficial all the want but in the end they are. I realize how hard it will be for me with all my flaws and what not to ever get someone to look at me past friendship. people love the "normal" views on beauty with the size 0 waistline, model walk and conformative attitude. it works for most no matter how "different" they claim they are. day in and day out I meet new people and all of the virtually that same in that attitude. it's actually quite ashame and it makes me sad but some of the burden is my own to bear. with my negative views on myself and rude mannerisms to cover up said negative views. I look around and then I look at myself realizing that I'm in a harsh cycle in which I'm constantly valued lower in society than the average person. it worries me. it makes me wonder, will all our work and our pushes toward equality ever be worth it? will it ever come to fruition? I doubt so people like me will continue to suffer while the beautiful people with terrible personalities continue to win. =\

-- Lexy

the lives we live

2010-09-13T23:56:00.002-04:00

as I read for women's studies tonight I realized that dorothy allison is overwhelming right. it's the first time I've cried about my life since last semester when I got my shit together. it is now that I realize like her there is so much in my life that I have worked to forget and cover up. only because it is scary to think about them and you wonder what your life would be like if you were to allow yourself to fully get over them and not let them affect you now. honestly though can that even happen seeing as how your experiences shape you? at any rate the overwhelming experiences that I had in middle school all came flooding back to me. sure I talk about them but I talk about them from a disassociated stance as though it happened to someone else. so as I was reading I thought about the extensive bullying I experienced from everyone around me including my close family. I thought about the number of times I was used and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I thought about the times my mother ignored me and tossed me aside for her sister and I thought about the time my grandmother decided I wasn't important enough to visit in the hospital. I thought about the fact that I was coming into my sexuality but instead of embracing it I hid it, picked at others whom I thought to be queer and became deeply christian. I thought about the conditions I lived in and how hard my father worked to change it all for me. I love him for it but it just honestly wasn't enough. and I thought about how the culmination of all of this led to a very long drawn out case of severe clinical depression and how it led me to contemplate suicide constantly. the reading struck a cord in me. I never thought I would have to experience those things again. what's funny is that I've come to terms with things such as being gay/genderqueer/queer/whatever I'm currently identifying as and all the stigmata that comes along with it. that I've come to find a home in that community more than I ever has as a woman or a black person. the queer community will probably always be my home too because the social anxiety I experience around both black people and large amounts of women are both overwhelming. however, I don't think I can ever come to terms with what happened to me back then and maybe that's an immature me saying that but to get over those things would cause me to admit things I've never admitted to anyone and to examine a part of my life I'd rather leave buried. and it may seem that by writing this blog I'm not doing that but I've discussed nothing in depth nor do I intend to and I've still not said many of the shameful and hurtful things that happened. my point is that I love my family from a distance now and it left me yearning for attention. it left me with a vulnerability that I hate. it left me with poor coping habits and little trust for any human being. it left me with a fear of rejection. it left me with battered emotions and a flaming temper. it left me with only negative effects. many say that experiences are needed for character but I'd rather not build my character that way. I'd rather no child build their character that way. no child should ever experience that amount of dispair and loneliness or that much hatred for ones self. I am understanding today in part because of it but mostly because I would never want anyone to feel the amount of intolerance I've felt.

&& that's all.
- lexy

from the ashes we'll always rise

2010-09-11T23:11:00.002-04:00

a post only for our eyes.
new yorkers.
those of us who watched the buildings fall.
those of us who watched the smoke billow.
those of us who cried when we realized loved ones were inside.
the relief we felt when we realized they were late,
the empathy we felt when we realized there were others we knew who didn't make it.
to the firefighters lost,
to the policeman lost,
to the ems workers lost,
we appreciate it.
and though the tragedy still strikes us
and even makes us hate those who don't deserve it
we made it and we're trying to be better people.
to those who watched and sat in horror with no connection to the terror
we know it hurt you too.
so thank you for reaching out to us new yorkers.
though all these years later peoples memories start to fade
my memory will never let me forget
and I don't want to forget
'cause a history forgotten
is surely one to be repeated. . .

this is not a poem, it is a free flow of my thoughts on 9/11 as a new yorker. my solitude and love go out to those who lost on 9/11. and also to those on flight 93 and in the pentagon.
good night. ='(

&& that's all.
-- lexy

mirror, mirror

2010-09-09T00:48:00.002-04:00

She looks into me while dabbing her makeup
Twirling ‘round and ‘round with me in hand
Asking how I’ve been
It’s not been that long since I’ve last seen her
Since only this morning she’d been off to work
Asking me what I thought of her
If I had a mouth I’d have told her
You look the same as any other day
Young and lonely,
Eyes drooping still
From the one you’d lost all that time ago
He too was fair-skinned and young,
You two looking just like you belonged.
But just as I reminisce I realize it is not good to yearn
For when you dwell on the past it’s hard to move on--
My young companion if only I could do something
That’d make you learn.

-lexy

life is back in session

2010-09-07T18:31:00.001-04:00

my summer was pretty much a pause from real structured life with my only routines coming from going to time out youth on mondays. at any rate now that school is back in session and I'm falling into a daily/weekly schedule it feels like my life is back in session and the days of simply lounging around and wasting time are gone. and that's okay, I like that because then I don't feel like I'm wasting away.

anyways I know it's been quite some time since I lasted posted but I'm going to skip the inaugural post and jump right into my topic of the day: being leftist. for many reasons I enjoy being a radical, I won't even say liberal because I'm way past that. however, I know that the left can mean a lot of things and is generally considered to be the best when it comes to any kind of gay, environmental or social issues. this is always not the case though and I would like to distinguish myself from any kind of "leftist" who is really moderate but finds themselves a little more left leaning because of social issues. I'm conservative in only one way and that's gun control but even on that issue I'm more left leaning than right. in my book to be a true liberal you need to be all about gay rights and equality. either make gay marriage okay or rid the system of marriages and practice civil unions. I'm personally more in favor of the latter than the former but either would be huge step. I also believe in trans rights and not at the expense of anyone elses.

as far as economics is concerned I feel like we need to even out the playing field, tax cuts for the rich need to be completely done away with, we need bigger gov't to provide more social programs which will further level the playing field. we also need to crack the whip on big business and stop letting it from political america and those the entire country. perhaps I am more social than I thought. additionally we need to make college more accessible and this can be done with more social programs.

as far as environmental issues are concerned we need to crack down on lazy ass people and make it so that everyone will be all for environmentally friendly things. we need to promote sustainability, make it easier to access sustainable/compostable products, etc. clean energy needs to be pushed even harder than it is now and we need to stop letting big business control our futures.

I could go on for hours but my main reason for posting this broad overview is because I'm tired of people getting moderates confused with the true liberals and radicals. don't call yourself a liberal unless you've liberated your mind from the benefits of the life some of us live and opened up your eyes to see how you can change our country, for the better.

&& that's all.
-- lexy

People From the Past Usually Mean the Most

2010-07-06T23:24:00.000-04:00

so as we all know my current girlfriend is my previous one (and in fact my only one) and before it was just so hard being in a relationship with her. we were both immature and we both had many psychological issues (depression, etc) and these days I can't even fathom how we made it and I can't fathom how the damaging things we said to one another has affected our relationship today.

what I do know is that tonight as I kissed her goodbye after seeing the movie "knight and day" (which was decent, very cute) I know that I love her. and it may seem fast 'cause it'll only be a month as of this saturday but I have a history with this girl and even before when I broke up with her I still loved her. I mean I told her I was over her and that I no longer loved her but that was always a lie. I always had lingering feelings and always loved her, I just didn't realize what an amazing individual I had. I was out to prove to myself that someone else could do it better when clearly she was the one then (and now). I've come to believe that some of us are lucky enough to get it right on the first try. =]

this is not to say that I don't constantly worry about whether we'll make it, especially when I go back to unc but I feel like we can do it. it'll be hard but we can. so I may not be able to predict the future but I can work hard now to ensure the things and people I want in my future are there.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

With Sins So Numerous No One Can Judge Me

2010-07-02T05:20:00.000-04:00

in conjunction with my last post I'd thought I'd make a post on where I'm currently at religiously. I mean my beliefs change quite frequently and mostly 'cause of my laziness. I mean I've been meaning to try buddhism and honestly I believe that eventually when I settle on one it'll be on one of my own creation that combines the tenants and practices of many (or all) major religions in the world.

at any rate I feel as though with all the things that happen in the world and with the unreliability of humans christianity is a religion based on some lies and fabrications and with all it's contradictions I just can't dig it. divine things can't really be explained or be logical but they shouldn't be downright confusing or contradictory either. anyways overall I do believe that there is a god and I believe it's a just a divine figure, a spirit, not of either gender. I believe that this god does not interfere with the orders of the universe. god doesn't have a plan for us, we make our own plans and this god loves us for how we are and for our intentions. if we do good and do not intend to harm people or hurt them then we receive good things in our life here on our earth (sounds a lot like karma) and I believe the ultimate goal is to reach an internal peace before we die so that our souls can rest easy. I do believe that the afterlife is a peaceful place where those same good intentioned people go to and the evil people are sentenced to having an uneasy soul. it's as simple as that. god does not request you worship it or treat it like it needs worldly things to be satisfied with you. it is satisfied simply to see people living and breathing. currently this is a very preliminary explanation of my beliefs. take it for what you will and call me blasphemous if you must but this seems a lot more plausible in my opinion.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy

In Examining My Past One Will Find Many Clues

2010-06-30T04:51:00.003-04:00

while I was in the car today I sat thinking about a conversation I had with my mother years ago when I was around 11 years old while riding around upstate new york. I remember the conversation so vividly 'cause I was a curious child with numerous questions about my own identity. I had just recently heard (on the radio) about an individual who went through gender reassignment surgery and I wasn't grappling the religious aspect of the situation. I mean I understood why someone would want the surgery because often times I felt like a little boy and a little out of place but I was always told that god didn't make mistakes and people were insane to think they knew better than him.

of course being a young child I turned to my parents, specifically my mother, for advice. I remember word-for-word asking her "mommy what happens to those people?" and she responded to me with "those people are abominations to god and they won't be accepted into heaven." or something very similar to that. pause. I bet you all thought I was gonna say [that she said] something cute or reassuring. resume. I paused for a while and said "ohh" and turned away from her to look out the window. I sat with this information and it was then that I told myself that I would never be mean to those people or do things to hurt them. I mean how could since they were already destined for hell? what's worse is that for a questioning child that was very damaging to my self acceptance process (which as we all did not come until MUCH later and still hasn't been fully realized). I kept that conversation in the back of my head for years. I mean I've come to believe it was a very defining moment in my childhood because on that day something in me died, a little bit of my childhood innocence and hope left me.

I can also recall remembering that very conversation one day while I was in s.c. living with my grandmother while thinking about my sexuality a few years later. it's difficult to say whether or not it had a large influence on the repression of my sexuality but I'm willing to bet it did. and in some odd way I think this conversation could have been the beginning of my true questioning and doubting of religion. even though as far as I can remember I was never that religious, I was always very "whatever" but that may be attributed to the fact that I was a child. it's ironic that the most religious time in my life was only because I was trying to repress my sexuality and not because I actually believed in christianity and it's tenants. I simply wanted to change 'cause I thought I was morally wrong. I have to admit though the bible is a very compelling story. the writers ought to be given the newberry prize or something. anyways the point is that sometimes people don't realize the things the say to their young ones can outlast any other lessons they may teach and negatively affect their psyche. parents choose your words carefully.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy

Regret Consistently Looms Over Me

2010-06-28T04:51:00.000-04:00

the other night my girlfriend and I lay in the darkness just talking to one another reminiscing about all the good times we had when we dated way back when and it was all laughs but as we chronicled our relationship we eventually reached the point when all things went downhill and the path turned dark and cold. I won't go into deep details but just know I have many regrets about the whole thing and how it happened although both parties were deeply at fault. smh. I shudder to even think about it.

needless to say many tears were shed that night and explanations given as well as deep, heartfelt apologies and that's when it came out. when I finally said it out loud and I only did so because she told me that she thought I had done it to spite her. that "it" would be me attending unc. that was her dream, the thing she most looked forward to in life and I ruined it for her (or at least that's how I've always seen it even though a point could be made that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we may not be together today). it was then that I really broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. why? because it was so saddening to me that she ever thought I disliked her enough to go to her dream college. it was then that I had to explain I went to unc for her. I mean I've always said it was for financial reasons and the like but that could have been easily solved. I just felt like I owed it to her for all I'd put her through allow her in some twisted way to live vicariously through me. it's not as though I never thought she'd be able to reach her dream 'cause that's certainly not true, I think she's capable of anything and everything, however, I felt as though I was paying some kind of penance to her by going to unc. and looking back on it I don't know how much good it did and whether it was worth me sacrificing all the places I wanted to go to but it's choice I'll have to live with and make the best of. as I'm sitting here typing this though I'm beginning to think it's only something I can ever truly understand and grasp. I mean perhaps she understands it too but maybe still not in the way I want her too. I loved/love her so much that I gave up my dream school for hers. it's just, idk but now that I've said it, admitted it, you know. . . told her I feel better. I have so, so many regrets about the things I did and said to her and I can never make up for them but with my higher education choice I feel a little better and regardless as to whether or not anyone fully understands it I felt it had to be out there. I had to tell my truth. my side of the story.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Untitled #8

2010-06-26T14:02:00.000-04:00

amongst all the uncertainty and instability somewhere I am there
under the debris of life I am alive
why I cannot exist in the light of day is beyond me
I am perfectly human-- flawed beyond belief
and in order to find me you must look past all the casualties that have made me,
you must dig deep to find me,
let the glass of the word cut you
and somehow, you will encounter a girl who is perfectly scarred , hurt, loved, cared for and wanted impatiently waiting for someone to find me.
I wonder: who will I owe my thanks to?
'cause in a perfect word it'd be me but it's a reality that sometimes we need someone else to show us our worth
to show us what we're made of.
and with that said I realize who I owe my thanks to.
you helped me rediscover myself,
to push away the debris and move more freely than before
ready to try again and maybe even fall again.

Time Left Me in the Dust Long Ago

2010-06-24T03:49:00.000-04:00

yes that's right. time is dusting me and I'm not even sad about it 'cause I like living in the achievements of yesteryear. it keeps me happy since thinking about tomorrow and my fast approaching future is scary and too uncertain for my tastes.

at any rate that's not what I came to blog about, I wanted to say that I'm strangely optimistic and looking forward as to what's to come in my life. I wish people would stop telling me that the things I'm thinking about majoring in is unprofitable and silly in these economic times 'cause my happiness outweighs nearly everything else in my life at this point.

so many things I wanna do in my life, so many places I wanna travel. so afraid I won't get there. okay I've completely lost sight as to what I'm supposed to blogging about. perhaps I'll come back later or tomorrow and figure it out.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

I'm Pretty Much Done For

2010-06-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

the title describes it best.
my summer is pretty much done for.
I've spent all but $30 in my savings account, my parents are broke, I can't find a job to save my life and I've exhausted all resources.
right about now I just wish I could win the lottery, like for real. 'cause I'm just so tired of being the number one worry in my life.
at any rate my summer is pretty much done for, I won't be able to afford to do any of the things I wanna do like go to the beach with my gf or go to high point or go to new york or even something as simple as eating out.
smh. why oh why does it have to be this way? why does it always have to be a struggle?
anyways I guess I'll stop complaining and be happy I'm alive.
happy I have a computer to blog from.
happy I have a gf, good health and loving parents.
and in the meanwhile I'll try to forget my money woes. -sigh-

I'm About Whatever

2010-06-20T07:44:00.001-04:00

so another drake inspired title. haha.

anyways I realized as I was listening to that song that it definitely fits my life philosophy these days 'cause I'm just living life and truly enjoying it for what it's worth.
I mean before I graduated high school I was all about the future, planning for it and saving for it. but when I got to college and ~~nothing went right~~ err as I planned, I just decided that planning wasn't for me anymore 'cause it just doesn't work. I got sick multiple times and I struggles internally with feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. and while I was sick I realized I may die tomorrow and nothing, especially money, stays. eventually everything goes and we have to take life as it comes. for instance I spent almost all of my money and admittedly some of it was "unwise" but I had fun while doing it and even if I had it now I'd still be having fun with it so what the hell, you know.

I also had this very linear and planned view on relationships and significant others but now I realize I just have to take them as they come and do my best to sustain them. it's the same with life problems too, I'll just handle them when they come. however, I won't lie sometimes I worry about the future and struggle with figuring out "life's plan" but that's when I remember there isn't one and I'm creating my own path. and even though it's in direct contrast with what's ingrained in me I remember that all habits and philosophies can change and that I just gotta be patient.

my philosophy even extends to me judging people based on their education (or lack thereof). I mean last year this time I was just so judgmental when it came to education. I can vividly remember harshly judging people who didn't graduate on time even if they would get their diploma over the summer. and I remember thinking that college was this perfect little world everyone could survive in-- that it was thee only option for everyone however, I now know that not to be true. (hell, it almost isn't for me!) so as long as you're happy with yourself and you ain't bumming it and you're actually trying to get somewhere [legally] then imma about it. 'cause there are PLENTY of ways to be educated without having a degree, matter-of-fact I'll even go so far as to say formal education kills the imagine and all that's smart and natural in us. it dulls us and creates robots ready to be little corporate robots. but I digress, that's another subject in it's entirety.

overall I guess I'm just trying to say I know I've made a lot of progress as a human and I'm glad to have done it 'cause I've become a better, more accepting one.
so I'm about whatever. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

"Things have been too crazy and hectic, I should've gotten back by now"

2010-06-18T07:37:00.000-04:00

the title is a line from karoake by drake. great song.

anyways it's been 10 days since I've blogged and some things have changed since then.
I'm no longer single.
but I think that's it. lol.
I'm still broke as ever and searching for a job. it's quite hot outside, too hot to move actually. I mainly go out in the evening.
not much to say though. I'll come back a little later.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

Barriers

2010-06-08T03:10:00.002-04:00

tonight I went to t.o.y. and the discussion was about "coming out" and I realize that I kind of think it was pointless now since my parents never discuss it or talk about it or mention it. like my parents didn't even acknowledge that it's lgbtq month, they don't ask about my social life or anything. and maybe they don't wanna seem like they're prying or maybe they want me to initiate the conversation. whatever it is I just wish they would ask a little more, be a little more caring in that sense. like I understand that I'm an adult and I'm supposed to come to you but it would be nice if every once and a while they asked me a few questions. and I'm not saying I want to talk about it everyday either but it's been a month and we've talked about it once for like 30 minutes. to be honest as supportive as they say they are I feel rather uncomfortable even talking about anything remotely gay with them and it's like they don't wanna comment on anything either. I feel like instead of opening up the communication it actually cut it off and sometimes I wonder if they even wanna know about my social or romantic life. I mean honestly at this point I've resigned to not telling them about either (as if there's anything to say about my romantic life anyways *rolls eyes*) just to spare them the discomfort the whole thing may cause. I mean I know they need time to adjust and what not but I'm their child just like before and a damn good one if I do say so myself. I don't wanna have to wait and I just want us to be open like we were before. . . *sigh*

sometimes it's just so hard to understand why my parents just can't communicate with me about the subject or why my mom has to be contradictory about the issue or why my dad thinks it's a choice. I mean my mom will say "lifestyle choice" but then tell me that she doesn't think it's a choice and my dad says things like "your situation", "your lifestyle", etc which irk the shit out of me. I think it's because I haven't heard the word lesbian or gay come out of either of their mouthes to describe me. I'm not asking you shout it to the world but I'm asking when you talk about it instead of struggling for phrases that are probably offensive or inappropriate just use those words instead. overall I'm grateful though because it could have been a lot worse and I'm fortunate in this case. however, things could be better and most of all I just wish I didn't feel like I was walking around on eggshells everyday and that we were in two totally different worlds.

which brings me to another point: when I'm in charlotte I must admit that I may go overboard on the gay events 'cause my world here is very heterosexual and I feel that in order to connect with lgbtq's I have to go to lgbtq events whereas in chapel hill the likelihood of running across one randomly is a lot higher. either way my lgbtq life could use a pick me up in charlotte.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

The Way We Communicate & it's Relation to Culture

2010-06-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

any post I've made lately has been short and not very informative. haven't really felt like writing honestly. anyways it struck me yesterday as I was riding in the car back to the train station that there are fundamental differences in the black community no matter how much alike we are to caucasian folks. and that's not to say that I'm racist or don't believe in friendships between the two 'cause that's certainly NOT what I'm saying.) anyways I noticed this because I was having a discussion with someone and they told me I was getting aggressive and worked up over nothing but the issue is that I didn't see it as being aggressive at all. I saw it as stating a point. it made me realize that white people really are just a lot more sensitive than black people.

I say this mostly from my own experience but I've had both white people and black people agree on this with me as well. and to be even more clear white people are more sensitive than minorities in general (minority races that is). I say this because many times caucasians are offended by simple statements that in the black community most people would laugh at or let roll off their backs. I would use examples but for some reason I don't think it would be appropriate. I'm trying to be as candid as possible without being offensive or rude. at any rate many times I've been told I'm abrasive, rude, a dick, etc. just because I say the truth at all times. it's just what you do in the black household. there is no sugarcoating or covering up. if you look a mess, you look a mess or if you're nasty, you're nasty. no one spares your feelings and maybe some people feel this is bad for kids or whatever but it has made my skin tougher and allowed me to be able to ignore a lot of things that hurt my white friends. like if someone tells me I'm a bitch. I'm not going to get offended or mad I'm going to be like okay and?. lol. I mean it's the truth though and it's like that for most of my black friends though. the culture difference rears it head in communication differences and it's a constant struggle for me to remember that sometimes in chats with my other friends 'cause I'm just not used to sparing feelings and switching up language.

so remember next time you want to fault me for the way I communicate and being honest when you wanted to hear a lie remember that that's not how I grew up and what you consider aggressive I consider normal b/c in my household that's the only way to be heard. anyways I just wanted to give that food for thought folks.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Our Own Month

2010-06-02T02:30:00.001-04:00

june was declared lgbtq month by obama and I think that's wonderful. I kind of think it's memorable since june was the month of the stonewall riots but some would say october might be more appropriate since coming out day is that month. either way I'm happy and grateful. we've got a month like the blacks, asians, women, and any other minority. as small of a thing as this is I'm happy about it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

The Aftermath

2010-06-01T02:27:00.001-04:00

so my family reunion was this past weekend and I had an excellent time. amy came to join me and that turned out well. I have to admit I was very apprehensive but it turned out well and despite the heavy rains time with family outweighed any negatives.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy

Wicked and Interstella 5555

2010-05-26T04:07:00.000-04:00

today my besty, his parents, and I went to see wicked, the play about the wicked witch of the west, and let me tell you it was excellent! I absolutely loved it, I will now watch the wizard of oz in a whole new light because if this story is true then really the wicked witch wasn't really wicked at all. she was just labeled as so for her green skin and because her good deeds always ended horribly. but I shant tell you too much 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for anyone. just know it was wonderful and I'm very grateful to have received the chance to go because I've been wanting to for a very long time. =D

on another note I just got done watching interstella 5555 again (I've seen it in the past) and it's just a beautiful as I remembered it and as always it was a tear jerker. I love how dp layed their tracks to the animation and I believe the story was wonderful even with the absence of dialogue. the end is always so cute with the cute looking dolls. anyways my favorite part has to be the part when the little kids paint themselves blue outside of the hospital and wave to the "crescendolls". I just think the movie overall has a lot of emotion to it and it's just another reason to love dp if you don't love them already. honestly though this movie boosted me out of a sad place because of some events that occurred this evening so I'm glad to have watched it and been able to find some ground again. it's also very inspiring, helped my ass to get on here and blog 'cause I wasn't going to.

which reminds me I'm back on the meds 'cause me managing my emotions was not working out right. like I want to so badly but uh I could easily find myself slipping away into that abyss and I really don't think I could handle that again so after a 2 week lapse I'm back on them. trying to think of more things to say but I'm coming up empty so that's all for now folks.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy

Such a Big Ego

2010-05-24T03:46:00.000-04:00

one of the most complex things about the human race would have to be pride and egos because while they may seem nice and simple on the outside they are complex things that can turn a simple, logical issue into a much more complex one.

the issue with the human mind is that we like for things to be black and white but at the same time we would like for people's understanding and sometimes their help. that is when our pride and our egos aren't getting in the way of receiving much needed help. so to a certain degree I feel we shouldn't even have egos. there have been several times in which had a received help much sooner the situation would not have been abysmal. hell there have been times where I didn't seek out help at all and those situations ended horribly. see the issue was that my pride/ego (which I find to be so intertwined you could never separate the two) got in my way of asking for help. my ego has even caused me to belittle others and hurt their feelings. the ego is capable of much. this is not to say that you have no control over your thoughts and yourself because that is not true at all, you very much so have control of yourself but I am saying that egos often consume people that are caring and compassionate. it's like the individual knows that they need help but can't push their ego aside to ask for it, so as not to seem weak. on the other end it's like the person uses their large ego and supposed superiority to compensate for themselves in another area and put down others who may not be as strong in that area. it's easy to explain, impossible to fix.

I'd like for them to disappear all together 'cause then people could get on as a whole better but they won't so until then I suggest we all learn to cope a little more and take a tiny step back when we realize ourselves getting sucked into our egos. but wait, this is assuming that the whole ego thing is rational, which it isn't so yea.

Everything is Intertwined

2010-05-23T08:04:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to think of something to post for a few days now and I've had some topics lined up but I just hadn't had the time or zest I'd had for the other things I'd posted lately but as I was reading the end of "Prep" for the bajillionth time it came to me.

I mean it's the first "book" I've read in a while seeing as how I've been hung up on graphic novels and comics lately and honestly it's very refreshing and I do love them. but I had a desire to read a book and as I do every summer I pulled "Prep" from the bookshelf. I love that book more than words can express. whenever I read books without pictures my imagination conjures up each and every scene in vivid detail and at this point I feel as though I know ault's classes, hallways, lunch room and dorms like the back of my hand. very much like I know things at UNC.

See the thing is though, me and Lee have a connection, I understand her timidness, I understand her anxiety and fears no matter how ridiculous it may be and every time I read the exchange between her and cross near the end I admire the beauty (and plainness) in which the dialogue was written. it was perfect for two teenagers. at any rate I feel myself shedding a tear for lee because I always feel as though a part of her died in that moment and it's always when I truly realize how much the prep school society had broken her socially.

it makes me wonder how differently I might be if I had went to a boarding school or prep school. I seriously considered it for the majority of my high school career, even in eleventh grade when it was essentially too late. I always got the packets in the mail and had even filled out the app but I never sent it in. I often wonder how different my life could have been. would I have come out sooner? would I have had a girlfriend? would I be smarter? would I be as lovable as I am? would I have grown such an affinity for music? would I be a hard worker instead of a lazy ass? and most importantly would I have grown to love writing so much? this all goes back to the title about how everything is intertwined, every decision is a domino effect for the next one and they must all fall into place for things to go correctly. or whatever that means.

I mean I have a lot of regrets about high school. I hated mine and still do. I often feel inadequate and I hate myself for not being able to do things my fellow peers can such as play instruments, swim, etc. it's like I have no distinguishing talent because let's be honest authors are a dime a dozen. do you know how many people are above average writers? far too many for me to consider myself talented or great at writing. so a lot of days I feel inadequacy and this is something I grapple with on a daily basis. something that no matter how many times I talk it over with my father will never understand. I am inadequate and that's the truth. high school was the cause of a lot of that too, it's like no matter how much I preached non-conformity I did it to a certain extent and I regret it. I wish I had worked harder, done more, gone off to nccsm or something. sometimes I'm really jealous of those kids though, they have a bond like no other. a bond I've never been able to form with a friend. actually the only person I've formed a serious bond with in my life is a girl whom I was once in love with, dated, etc. that's a whole nother story.

sometimes I wish I had taken the chance and mailed that app off and ditched the ease and familiarity of my high school because I grew to hate it so much. it's sad. I seriously wish I could do my entire life over sometimes. I've made so many mistakes. it's like I'm one large fuck-up sometimes.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Still I Wait

2010-05-20T18:23:00.001-04:00

sometimes I can feel so distant from everyone and everything. it's quite a contradiction actually because I'm always surrounded by people. like even when I want a break I'm surrounded. and when I'm with people I can't help but get this overall feeling that no one I know gets it. it's so worrisome. then I have friends whom when I met them were perfectly okay 'cause I was in a shit place in my life too but now? nah. I'm okay and I don't need friends whose only interest is in wallowing in their despair. it gets old and annoying. I also have no interest in friends who, because they hate themselves so much, can only point out the flaws and annoyances of others. it's so annoying (how ironic). so annoying. hard to ditch a friend once you've made them though. at any rate still I wait for the person who will sweep into my life and be good for me.

I realize I say I don't wanna wait but it's all I've been doing anyways. how do we pass the time in the meantime though? sit around waiting and moping? because essentially that's what I've been reduced to because I refuse to become desperate and accept anything. smh. oh well.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

High School Revisited

2010-05-19T16:45:00.001-04:00

today I decided that I would revisit my old high school and see a few faculty members and despite how much I hated wc it's quite hilarious to observe the ignorance going on in that school mostly displayed by the students. anyways when I first arrived I was immediately bought back to the harsh reality of that school and I even sat in my car scared to get out due to the large amount of ignorance and ghettoness that was surrounding me. eventually my besty talked me into getting out and I walked up to the main office. . . the buildings were the same, nothing had changed there but the overall atmosphere was different and somehow (no matter how wrong it may be) I couldn't help but feel a little better than some of the kids inhabiting that school. there are some who just don't deserve to be there because they don't wanna help themselves.

at any rate I visited the guidance office first and received a lot of ragging because of my lip piercing but overall everyone was happy to see me and excited to find out how life at carolina was. I ran into a lot of people I knew and they were cool and most of them I am proud of because they're trying to do much better than west charlotte can ever offer or even prepare you far. next stop was my old favorite, ms. fils-aime. she's such an amazing teacher. great personality and what not, very cool but she also lays down the law and gets her job done no matter what. I basically spent the rest of my time with her laughing and watch her run junior class council (which I was a member of two school years ago). we had a wonderful time and she hasn't really changed which is good in most instances.

I left there and went to see if I could catch ms. miller but she had already left and due to recent events I could see why you wouldn't linger around after school. she was such an amazing individual, really connected with her. besides her I also wanted to see michalski who was also a wonderful influence my junior year and helped me to love history again but as I said I spent all my time catching up with filsy. I think I may dedicate a day to each in order to make it fair.

overall wc has changed and sadly it's not for the better. it's like a school being run into the ground behavior wise. I don't know if the quality of children attending has gone down or if administration has but I will tell you that it's like a degenerate operation and I'm scared that soon it'll be inhabitable. all my insiders, the faculty and many students I know going there all said they don't know how much more than can take, that it's definitely gotten worse and that they don't know how much more they can stand of the school. I can understand why this would be so even in my two hours there. my return visit was fruitful, it made me remember why I need college, people gave me advice and "lectures" too. =] it's sad that I spend more time laughing at the ignorance while there instead of praising the excellence but that's because it's (excellence) is few and far between at that school. I hope one day dub c will regain the pride and I'll be there but until then I won't return many more times. mostly out of pity and a little bit out of fear.

&& I'm out.

-- Lexy.

The Male Gender

2010-05-18T17:45:00.001-04:00

so let's get this straight. I do think men can be good human beings, lately my points seem to be getting misconstrued and getting turned into outright male hate. this is simply not true. I like guys (as friends) especially my gay males but there are specific reasons.

I hate male chauvinism more than anything in the world and it just so happens that the majority of [straight] males are chauvinistic. otherwise I think men are capable, willing humans. generally speaking though a lot of men believe in (very) traditional gender roles, believe that men are generally better (whether consciously or subconsciously) and treat women in a degrading manner and it irks me so much. as a feminist this shouldn't be surprising. I really feel it sad that men have found themselves in such a box that they cannot break out for anything in the world. I also hate how men don't believe in anything that's not the normal or when they have very antiquated biblical beliefs (such as women staying home, etc). and true it is their choice but as I have said I hate male chauvinism and that's generally what most men are and as long as they continue to be that way you will continue to see a lot of disdain for men and all their self-entitlement behavior.

this generally does not apply to gay men however, because they too have struggled to gain acceptance and equality in society not to mention the fact that they usually identity with the feminist agenda as well. I mean it is what it is and that's all folks.

I really can be friendly to men, just don't come with that traditional shit. =]

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy

Writing For My Life

2010-05-17T06:17:00.000-04:00

after my last heart spilling blog I decided I'd swoop in and lighten the dark mood but only to talk about something just as serious in my opinion (but not depressing), the reason I maintain a blog and more importantly why I write at all.

there are a few reasons why I write and all are valid. first let me say I keep a blog for me and I don't care if no one at all read my blog because as a writer I do it for the love. simply for the sake of writing. I love the art of creative and free form writing. I hate essays and papers (yet I understand their necessity and appreciate them) but I love when I'm able to write creatively or just to get some thoughts off my chest. I write because the way some people are soothed by singing or playing an instrument or by working out or by swimming or even by knitting a sweater, writing never fails me. it allows me to express all of my emotions from the darkest ones to the happiest ones. the words are moving and they flow out of me with no control. it's like I just have to let them take form. I just love writing.

another would have to be for the arts. they're a dying thing in our culture and society. the arts are commodified and made to seem like something everyone and everybody can be good at. something to be unappreciated and something that is ultimately disposable but that is simply not true. everyone has their niche and not everyone can be good at acting, painting, writing, drawing, playing instruments, or any of the other arts. it is true that many artsy people have overlapping talents BUT that is not always true and should not be made to be true. and the arts need saving. so I write and defy the societal expectations to save the arts and it's not something I single-handedly take on. I invite the aspiring photographers/photojournalists, authors, musicians, actors, and visual artists to join me in this fight. fuck the status quo. let's prove that the arts are here and will always be here.

I also write because I hope to touch someone, I hope that my words reach out to someone and inspire them or make a difference in their life and even if they don't I hope that they at least move them or put a thought in your head. I write because every life is worthwhile and if I touch even one other individual out there struggling with themselves and let them know they're not alone then I'm fine. I can sleep at night and that's all that matters in my life.

I also feel that I write from a different perspective, a new perspective. it's something fresh and I want to share it with everyone. I don't want to tell the same stories that are rehashed a thousand times, I want to tell stories that are true to me, stories that have new perspectives on the world and put new voices in peoples heads. I write to make a difference (which is directly related to my previous reason) and by providing my perspective I feel I can do that. I also have hope that maybe my perspective can touch the individual who really relates to me or my stories but who may not be able to articulate him or herself in a way in which they feel others will understand. because I know that sometimes I find a character can say it better, an author can convey a message I may have had all along a lot better than I can. and that's truth.

finally I write to live because the day I told myself that I was going to quit writing was the day I knew that I was committing emotional suicide. I was taking away my one reason to remain hopeful and continue to breathe. I mean literally the day I told myself I wanted to quit writing (I thought I wasn't touching anyone or making a difference) was the day I took myself to campus wellness and started to take care of myself emotionally and mentally because I know that even on days in which I feel incredibly stupid and nothing around me makes sense I know that writing will always be there to right my world. I know that these words will always flow from my brain to the paper as long as I let them. they'll always be there to save me, to hug me, care for me and comfort me when no one else is there. I'll always have my ability to put "the pen to the paper." and as long as I got this I'm alright. 'cause ladies and gentleman I write to live.

&& I'm out
-- Lexy

When tears fall

2010-05-16T04:23:00.000-04:00

they don't stop.
I've been crying since I had the idea in my head to write that poem I just posted and that was over an hour ago.
when I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I'd never hold anything back from my readers and so here goes.
that has to be one of thee most emotional poems I've EVER written.
and the woman I'm talking about, I just have so many conflicting feelings for her. and I'll love her no matter what because that's just the type of person I am.
but the resentment, animosity and even the little bit of self-righteousness that may have leaked into those words are truly what I feel and they've been a longggg time coming. I mean I can't even reread the poem without getting emotional. just thinking about it is making me cry.
knowing the consequence I'll suffer for being this way. for being gay.
I mean ultimately no matter how she treated me I still love her and to lose her love for being me is an unbearable thought. it just may tear me down. and it hasn't happened yet but I know one day it ultimately will.
so even though I'm capable to write that poem, even though I feel so powerful about who I am. I'm still emotionally not ready to face my consequences.
and right now I'm like a waterworks just thinking about it and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry and cry.
I'd just like to know where is everyone I'm there for when I need them?
where are these people when I feel like the only thing I wanna do is be in the fetal position?
I know it's 4 in the morning but if someone needed me at 4am I'd be there in a heartbeat.
I guess it's a consequence of going off the meds too, I have to regulate my own emotions.
and it's so hard to control this overbearing loneliness I feel half the time.
but apparently there's no one for me. no one but you, the people I write to (although I know no one reads this damn blog).
so I'll take solace in that I guess.
and don't just read my words when I post poetry, feel my words.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

this one's been a long time coming (untitled #7)

2010-05-16T04:00:00.000-04:00

I used to follow your lead in every way

Hung onto every word you had to say

Knowing that you were leading me astray.

And even to this day I have much regret for that

Compromising myself, letting you define me

You just meant so much to me, I just couldn’t disregard the instructions you gave

You were so wise to me, so loving, so caring

I looked up to you, you seemed the most gracious creature.

I excused so many of the hurtful things you’d say

Without so much as a word as explanation

And even when those words would tear me down,

I’d defend you and say “oh she’s just bitter.”

But looking back that doesn’t excuse all the moments you lashed out--

Out at an innocent child

Especially since you claimed you only wanted the best for me

And while these experiences may have made me the woman I am today

I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy,

‘Cause with tears streaking down my face,

My self-esteem was in the gutter,

And my self-worth was diminished.

Although you may have meant the best you didn’t give it,

I’d even go so far as to say sometimes you gave your worst

especially since actions speak louder than words

And even now you hate my kind and hurt me with those same actions and expressions

So see it’s funny when you say you love me simply ‘cause I’ve witnessed you discriminate against and hate those you also “love.”

So while I may shed a tear writing this,

It’ll only because I may lose your love for being me.

Because you may withdraw your support simply for who I am.

And because of the things endured by little me.

But it’ll never be for who I turned out to be.

Or for doing what I know to be right.

‘Cause in your doing “right”

A lot of damage was done

So don’t go judging me

Because despite anything you may “know” I know I’m still a righteous, deserving person.

And I hope your happy unknowingly hating me.

Because I’m happy being me.

-- Lexy

p.s. if you feel animosity, resentment, or any of those type of emotions exuding from this poem you got it right.

now I'm gonna go watch something funny to pick up my mood. smh.

good night folks.

updates from home

2010-05-15T05:04:00.001-04:00

so now that I'm home things are nice because I at least know that I'm not hiding anything from my parents but something just isn't right.
it's like we're all glossing over the whole issue. like we talked about it that day, they gave their support and then like no more mention of it. it's been a week.
and I don't wanna talk about it daily or anything but they said we'd talk about it when I got home and we haven't.
I've been extra nice to them, ultra nice. and like anyone who knows me knows that I was already nice so this is like overkill. like bunnies running around with cotton candy.
I guess I kind of feel in debt to them and like I owe them because they could have been unsupportive and kicked me out or worse rejected what I told them. withdrawn love and support.
-shudders-
anyways it feels a little weird. I dunno what I can talk about and what I shouldn't. can't share opinions about the subject matter openly and what not and sometimes I forget I'm not in chapel hill anymore and almost slip up.
-sigh-
I guess what I'm saying is that right now I can never see anyone in this household being comfortable enough to talk about it and what not so I'll just leave it untouched.
I never expected to talk to my parents about people I liked or anything because we didn't even do that or talk about it much when they though I was straight. I guess in my house my approach serious issues but not when it comes to me. I never had the sex talk, I educated myself. I never got told how to handle my feminine issues, I had to educate myself there too. that stuff never came from them, it came from other sources like webmd and shit.
guess that's how it'll always be. and I'll just become okay with that one day. I dunno. smh.
maybe.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

relationships

2010-05-14T05:10:00.000-04:00

I came here with the intentions of writing about how things have been since I've gotten home but have since gotten something else to write about.
so as I was browsing through this girls blog on tumblr she had a post about people she's been spending her life with since 6th grade in the same place. and it made me realize that's not a luxury I've had.
I've called at least 4 to 5 places in 4 different states home. meeting many people along the way but few have had staying power.
and while many would say my friends from s.c. have the title of lifelong friend by default because I've known them since second and third grade they just don't. I mean they know very little about me honestly. I'm sure my roommate haley knows more about me and my little quirks than they do. I mean they were the last people that I came out to (not including my parents) and I didn't even feel comfortable doing it, I just did it because I refused to hide who I was just for their comfort levels any longer. like I would never extensively talk about it with them or expect them to get it when I'm really into shit like ENDA or the repeal or DADT.
and my high school friends well they're almost non-existent. I have a few acquaintances I'd still had out with here and the two to three people I consider really good friends, darrell, ieshia, and chris. then there's trinh. so I mean I have a few but honestly I've made a home at carolina as much as I hate it and I've made a nest of people I can dig no matter what. you know? and I guess that's because college is so much more liberating. I honestly dunno what it is.
point of all this is is that while I believe it takes time and trust to build relationships with people I realize that I no longer have time nor energy to be the person I once was whose heart was surrounded by the damn great wall of china which you had to slowly chip away at to be friends with. I make build relationships quickly and it's a result of living in numerous places and restarting all over again. I've had that fresh start people dream of at least 4 times and it all it's cracked up to be 'cause only way it's fresh is if you go into the thing a new, fresh person. believe that.
these days I'm pretty easy to befriend but don't be surprised if you don't know a bit of personal information about me 4 months in. I got your back but I just don't divulge information with any and everyone. just ask amy. anyways it sounds kind of contradictory but what I'm saying is before it was just as hard to befriend as it is to get personal info out of me. now I'm pretty easy to be friends with you just gotta work your way into my life. because once I let you in I'm pretty much expecting you to stay for a lifetime.
that doesn't mean I'm quick to forgive though.
generally once you fuck up you're done.
remember that.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Pseudonyms

2010-05-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

in light of recent events I've decided to change my pseudonym not only to something more fitting (it is a derivative of my middle name) but to something I like a lot more.
rest in peace "ellie jean," you have served me well but I did not like you that much.
make way for "lexy."
and while I do not wish to erase the past I want my work to be uniform so I've changed all my work to "lexy."
hope you like it as much as I do.

&& I'm out.
-- Lexy.

maintaining friendships

2010-05-11T17:56:00.002-04:00

fso I think my best friend is done with me.
and the thought of that hurts my soul.
so I've done something for her.
and me writing poetry for someone is something to be honored 'cause it says a lot.
I don't do it often 'cause my poetry is spose to be about me. -sigh-
anyways here goes.

for amy.

F – or

R – ealizing

I – diotic

E – xpressions

compa N – ions

D – isclose

S – enselessly

my words and my friends

they’re all I have.

I make mistakes.

I apologize endlessly.

I hurt and stab with my words.

But not intentionally.

My brutal honesty and unwanted opinions may just be the death of me

But I ask even if I die by my own sword sharpened with my unintentional harm

That you stick by me

And continue to be there for me.

So I will put away my words and uninvited analyses

While you hopefully come to forgive me

So that I can be a better me when you rebefriend me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

untiled #6

2010-05-10T03:19:00.002-04:00

I'm listening to music while reading a book

thinking I’d rather write but not really wanted to do either of the two,

wondering what it’s like to have someone to whisper sweet nothings to

and make love with

and cuddle with

and eventually fall asleep with.

someone who can make your dreams be a reality.

someone you can share your desires with,

your love

your work,

your body,

your home,

your feelings,

your emotion,

and everything in between.

someone whom you know loves you back.

and thinks the same of you.

I wonder what this feels like.

and though I know I should be patient

I just wish I’d feel these things right now.

as well as the pain, hurt, disappointment, and displeasantries that comes along with this want.

holding on takes a lot

yet I keep the hope that one day I’ll know what these things feel like

but until then I'll jus keep expressing the yearning I have for it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

home

2010-05-09T20:58:00.001-04:00

it's great to be back home.
and though I call several places my home.
this is the one home I always come back to and always love to come back to.
it feels so wonderful.
with my own room, my own space.
with my loving parents and their neverending grace.
I love it.
being home and with my parents.
it's something I'll always value.
I missed being here.
thank goodness for home.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

if looks could kill

2010-05-07T10:34:00.001-04:00

if looks could kill you'd be a dead muthafucka.
while I'd never lift a hand to your face or your body I'd love to see you bleed.
can you not understand what you did to me?
how you forced me?
hurt me?
convinced me to do things that were against the very essence of my being?
how you proliferated the development of emotional me?
taking away my innocence.
and causing me to suppress the real me?
oh buddy if looks could kill
you'd be one dead muthafucka.
but at the same time I'm grateful you're still here
'cause now I get to watch you bleed emotionally
while you stay stagnant and see me develop into the strongest individual I can be.
so as my killer look
I'll simply smile. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

part two of two

2010-05-06T22:51:00.002-04:00

so my parents got the letter.
read it.
and basically both said that they love me regardless and would support me in anyway possible.
my dad also said it was no shock.
haha. that went a lot better than expected.
thanks to all my friends for your support and encouragement! =D
special shoutout to darrell, amy, matt, haley, and imani.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

p.s. I'll write a follow up to this too 'cause we all know initial reactions can be less telling. time is the best indicator. I'm still celebrating though.

did she swoon me?

2010-05-06T00:34:00.002-04:00

pretty much.

that was the best night I've had with a singular individual for such a long time.

I felt a connection.

I just hope I'm not mistaking her friendliness for something else.

wish me luck as I start an entirely new journey.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Part One of Two

2010-05-05T07:50:00.002-04:00

soooo after mulling it over for months now, writing several letters, envisioning conversations, etc. I have finally decided to come out to my parents. I wrote the letter this morning and will be overnighting it to them today as well. I feel optimistic and hopeful due to much support from friends and my therapist not because I think my parents will be accepting. not that they've ever been anything but, they've never showed an animosity towards homos, matter-of-fact they have a gay friend. however, I shivered as I wrote that letter. I wrung my hands until they were numb, a pit formed in my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes and I felt nauseous. either way its written and I'm sending it regardless. this is a letter straight from the heart with many of the tips and advice I have gotten and read thrown in. we'll see how this goes. I'll write part two of two when they receive it and call me to let me know how they feel.

&& I'm out. (literally too!)
-- lexy.

the politics of being gay

2010-05-03T04:08:00.001-04:00

so I'm not going to let my blog turn into a gay advocacy blog. lol. I just talk about it a lot because it's very prevalent in my life especially since I'm not really that far along in the "coming out" process since I'm not out to my parents yet (it's coming very soon though). anyways the politics to being gay in america are funny though because you have to pick and choose how gay to be when you're certain places.

for instance if I were out to everyone I knew including my family I would still tone it down a bit when I went to certain towns in the south where my family lived simply because I know there are still some very backwards people living in that town. I also feel like in certain public places even in not-so-small towns you have to choose your level of "outness" due to comfort issues and sometimes safety. I've known of friends getting verbally bashed because they turned down advances from individuals of the opposite sex. it's still a very sad place in america sometimes.

at any rate the point I'm make is that the politics of gay make it so that we (as homos) have to be out everywhere we go no matter what. despite the risk to our safety because I believe it is the only way we're ever going to get anything done. honestly. that's a very milk-esque statement but it's the truth. I understand a lot of folks have a lot to loose by coming out but if you do so it'll be worth a lot in the long run.

I feel like it makes bills like ENDA (employment non-discrimination act) and the repeal of DADT more real for people if they know someone close to or around them falls into the groups of people who these acts benefit.

be you at any cost. that's what I advocate.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the heterosexual world

2010-05-02T23:08:00.001-04:00

alright so I'm supposed to be sleep (when am I not?) and I got the motivation to blog instead so I decided to take my body up on it. and the one thing that popped up in my mind is the constant struggles I have within myself to speak up or not speak up. particularly in situations in which I feel people are broadly stereotyping without even knowing that they're doing so. or in situations where people make statements with which I am uncomfortable with but I, once again, realize that they had no bad intentions or meant any harm by the situation.

many times I think people don't even realize how hard it is for a non-heterosexual person to live in the "regular world". many things are geared toward the heterosexual population and norm. what's even worse is that being anything else is looked at as a phase and something you do for a fun fling, nothing to be taken serious. it's actually the complete opposite, some people take their sexuality very serious and still respect the rights of others. why can't heterosexual people do the same? many times I get the feeling that the vast majority of people do not respect homosexual (or people of other non-hetero identities) at all and it's mostly in the statements people make. like today my friend was speaking about how on "sex and the city" they were talking about the "straight gay man" and "gay straight man". now I realize that she meant no harm by saying this and the show probably didn't either but that statement bothers me because it equivocates all behaviors of a certain type of being straight or gay. the main problem with this is that that means that all gay men are gay because of the way they act and not what they like (and the same for straight men). the conversation had a pretext of a male is automatically gay when he's extremely feminine and while there is immense overlap of behavior and sexuality I still think it is wrong to assume that just because an individual follows a set of behaviors that makes them a certain sexuality.

the saddest part is that even as a homosexual person I have been so conditioned by this heterosexual world that I too participate in this behavior and catch myself labeling people because of the way they act. and I apologize but that brings me to another point: labeling.

I went through a "I hate labels" phase myself and I realize now that that was mostly because I didn't want to label myself as lesbian because of all the negativity I associated with it. I am now more educated, have accepted myself and become perfectly fine with being called such. looking back I realized that during that phase I was an intense hypocrite because I would advocate one thing and do another. I was an intense proponent of not labeling myself and letting people be. I believed that labels were evil and what caused so much hatred among the human race (I now realize that non-acceptance and intolerance does that) yet I still labeled people when they said certain things or merely walked past me in the mall. the thing is labels are a necessary evil in our lives. we must learn to accept this because it is a natural instinct for us to label things and put them into their separate categories. that is what we as humans do. it's really as simple as that and as soon as we learn to accept this fact and stop trying to fight it the better off we are. if this weren't true people wouldn't always create new words and combine words to explain what they are, they're simply creating their own labels. instead of worrying about labels we should all put more effort into teaching tolerance of everyone and their quirks. not even acceptance in some cases, simply tolerance. trust me, it'd be a better place if we did.

finally I'd like to say that I wish we didn't have a default sexuality. I understand that as long as religion exists we always will but I'm saying I wish we didn't. why is it that the coming out process is even necessary? this is yet another downfall of living in this highly hetero world. a lot of times (and I'm not saying this is true for all) people do not choose their sexuality. they can't help who they're attracted to so instead of criticizing them and putting them down for who they love we should accept them. we should make it so that children everywhere know it's okay to not be heterosexual. so they know it's okay to have feelings for members of the same sex because otherwise kids end up doing bad things to themselves or simply stifling their sexuality because of the negativity they hear about other sexualities. I know this won't happen in my lifetime (if at all) because let's face it gays are still fighting for simple civil rights, however it would be an amazing thing to see/live through or even hear about later on in life. let's let our kids know you can be gay and beautiful (or any other identity). as long as you're okay with you that's what matters the most.

let me tell you something life is about creating yourself. so be who you wanna be and love yourself. it took me a long ass time to get there so you just be you and you'll be a lot better off. I'll love you either way and that speaks volumes 'cause I don't even know you. =D

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Gone Haywire

2010-04-24T22:51:00.001-04:00

lately I've been emotionally all over the place.
from despair to happiness to sadness. . . it's strange, hadn't had this happen in a long time and I wish I knew why it were happening.
not much else to say. or rather I don't feel like articulating it. -sigh- maybe another day.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

2010-04-22T04:31:00.002-04:00

sit up straight.
elbows off the table.
chew with your mouth closed.
don't eat with your hands.
don't speak that way.
sit down.
do your work.
stop talking.
pay attention.
snap out of it.
grow up.
stop complaining.
take responsibility.
lose that weight.
suck in your fat.
do better.
try harder.
command after command.
critical voice one after another.
society's pressures weighing down on me.
my grandmothers hand bearing down on my face.
and a tear squeaks from my eye
as I try to hold it all in.
trying to prevent anyone from seeing my soft interior.
from breaking my thin outer shell.
from seeing me in my most vulnerable position.
one in which I feel simply unsafe.
open to all the pressures, stings, criticism, and hurt from all those involved in society.
nobody can fix me.
just as I think I have a grip on me,
I learn something new which keeps me from knowing all of me.
and yet I still look to so-ci-ety.
to comfort me when I'm feeling a bit inadequate.
only to walk away more hurt than before.
if only someone could help me. . .

(no idea what this is about, no direction, just wrote).

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the menial things

2010-04-21T11:23:00.001-04:00

the time for giving up has come.
for I cannot take it anymore.
I've lost a part of me.
somewhere in all this mess.
and this is
just as I was fixing me
not like something dramatic happened
by this occurrence was simply the final straw for me.
I'd like to depart.
never to see this place again.
for the sake of my sanity.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

for the sake of love

2010-04-20T22:42:00.002-04:00

we sacrifice.

we find ourselves giving up a part of ourselves.

accepting mediocrities

and half truths.

even things we know are far from the truth.

I'm not talking romantic love.

I'm talking unconditional love.

familial love.

the love we should have for one another.

I just don't know sometimes how we can claim to love one another.

when we hate

when we discriminate

when we ostracize

and point out flaws in a critical way.

never uplifting to one another.

what happened to that brotherly love, my brother?

it got lost in the shuffle.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

these days

2010-04-12T03:04:00.001-04:00

I've been feeling a little down.
I want all the things I haven't had in such a long time.
I wanna be held.
I want to cuddle with someone.
I want to be loved.
I want to not be lonely.
these things would be nice.
I guess overall I'm happy.
but 2 years single is quite enough.
fuck lonliness being the human condition.
I hate that stupid quote.
no one can, should, or want to be lonely [all the time].
I'm not desperate.
I just would like a change in my romantic life.
I'm a loaner but sometimes it's just unbearable.
after all I'm human too. . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

loving annabelle

2010-04-11T13:00:00.001-04:00

what an awesome movie.
yet another reason to love instantly streaming on netflix.
they have some great finds.
this moving is so touchy with an unexpected ending.
just when I thought I knew.
I loved it.
as sad as the movie is.
and it also reintroduced me to sara bareilles' "gravity", an absolutely amazing song.
gosh. <3
anyways, watch it. I love it.
ames (my good friend) loves it.
and I'm sure you'll love it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Alive & in America

2010-04-10T15:53:00.003-04:00

so living in america gives me an advantage. . .supposedly.
but did you know there are some parts of the united states that have conditions comparable to living in a third world country?
did you know that there is a LARGE disparity between the impoverished and wealthy AND that that gap is growing more everyday?
did you know that the chances of an impoverished citizen climbing the s.e.s. ladder these days are significantly less than it was about 20 years ago?
but. we live in america and that gives us an advantage . . .I guess.
did you know that there are more homeless children in america than adults?
did you know that more funding goes to prisons than schools?
did you know that cases of reported domestic abuse is just as high as ever before?
-sigh- we live in america though. we have an advantage. . . I think.
hey but did you know that more people here die of preventable disease than any other developed country?
did you know that healthcare here focuses on treatment than prevention?
did you know mothers don't get adequate healthcare benefits?
did you know that even children can't get public service sometimes?
but I can't complain though, we live in america. . .maybe.
people here still fight for basic rights
for rights against discrimination because of their sexual orientation.
we still have policies in effect to prevent racial discrimination.
sexism.
and any other -ism you can think of.
but we're lucky to be living in america. right?
I know my trials may not be as large as those in other countries.
but don't tell me I have it easy in america.
'cause you just don't know the trials and tribulations of some here.
it ain't easy bein' american.
it ain't easy . . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

today was a good day

2010-04-08T19:20:00.002-04:00

so this weekend is unity conference, may as well be the gay people's conference. haha. anyways I'm really looking forward to it and having a good time. hopefully I'll meet quite a few new people.

today was a good day, made a few new friends who I think are pretty cool.

I thought about becoming a stoner 'cause I already have the life philosophy. me and ames that is. haha. wouldn't that be some shit?

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Been A Long Time Coming

2010-04-04T16:49:00.001-04:00

this blog has indeed been a long time coming. but in light of just-a-joe's coming out process I felt like I should put myself out there too, I have a lot less to lose.

so yes I am a lesbian. I am a triple minority: black, female, and gay.
a year ago though I was so far in the closest it was like narnia, you fell into another fucking universe but a few months into college I just decided that I couldn't be in the closet anymore, at least with my friends.
I'm risking a lot by posting this on such a public space as my parents do not know yet but whatevs.
it is what it is and I wanted to put it out there so you know the writer of this blog and maybe understand my plights a little more.

this photo quite accurately describes me

&& I'm out (both ways. haha)
-- lexy.

Just-a-Joe

2010-04-04T15:53:00.001-04:00

the most saddening thing I have read lately is the blog of anonymous soldier, just-a-joe. he recently came out to his comrades during a political conversation in which he felt that he could no longer conceal his identity. just-a-joe was told he wouldn't be singled out by his commander but he was lied to. shortly following his coming out an investigation was launched and he will most likely be discharged when he returns to the states after his tour (in iraq presumably) is over. [read the full story here]

I think one of the saddest things we do in this country is tell our soldiers that you can serve but you must keep your sexual identity secret if you are not heterosexual. it is ashame that we discharge individuals, strip them of their dignity, and tell them their identity is unacceptable after they've sacrificed their bodies and lives for our country day in and day out! it is imperative that we repeal DADT and make obama/washington stop dragging their feet on this issue! write your senators and representatives, get out and picket, advocate, write blogs about it, do whatever takes to repeal DADT so our soldiers can serve freely.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

All Consuming Life

2010-04-03T14:57:00.001-04:00

welp I've apologized more times than any blogger ever should for not updating regularly so I won't do it again. I'll just say that I'm going to TRY to post more frequently and TRY to not let life consume me so much. so I'm back and here's to being back. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Spamming

2010-02-15T11:36:00.001-05:00

yo I'm sorry to my readers!
sorry for spamming my blog with formspring.me in order to keep it current/active rather than actually posting here.
I swear one day imma get back on my blog game so once again imma ask you to bare with me as I learn more time management skills so I can blog, study, work, do hw, and everything else I need to do in a day.
thanks and I love you. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

novels

2010-01-20T03:48:00.004-05:00

lately I've been posting a lot of my poetry.
and as I was digging through my files I realized I have a book that I started but never finished.
actually I have several.
some of it stems from that fact that I seemingly have never ending writers block. -sigh-
oh the woes of a writer, jus never seems to be enough time [either]. =\

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

untitled #5

2010-01-18T03:44:00.005-05:00

hope and optimism left me a long time ago

and now I’m just cold.

I tried using a throw

but chills creeped up my spine.

I tried drinking some hot tea

that only lasted momentarily

then I tried something that was new to me

and that’d be trying to love thee

and…when that didn’t warm me

I knew there was something wrong with me

I knew it wasn’t for me.

I gave up on life quickly.

a part died in me.

I couldn’t stand to live that way,

so I thought maybe it’d best to depart that day

leave my lame rhyme schemes

and my stupid college scene

all behind me.

I left life that way.

I truly died that day,

jumping straight into harms way.

I wanted to die that day

killing me slowly

I let my lifestyle tear my heart away.

now I’m stuck that way.

-- lexy.

*disclaimer* I think this is one of the crappiest poems I have ever written but I'm posting anyways. it was written around sept. 2009.

What's in a Phrase?

2010-01-16T03:33:00.001-05:00

Anyone ever notice just how paradoxically we live/lead our lives? Hundreds of times we say contradictory things, that is, things that are the exact opposite of how we're feeling or thinking. I mean is it an overall human thing or is that just something I encounter on a daily basis?
Do you ever realise how easily the descent into barbarity could be? I mean I'm not saying that we don't have self-control but as animals full of ambition, greed, and the like we could all turn to barbarism given the right circumstances.
Only because it's easier, it's so much easier to be barbaric. I mean when you really think about it how many times have you said "I could ____ (fill with any verb such as kill, punch, etc) her/him" or how many times you have heard people answer "yes" to the question the question "would you rob a bank if you knew you could get away with it?"
And as A.P. students we were taught to analyze the language in which a person uses as well as the content in which they say it which leads to my title question, what is [truly] in a phrase?
I mean, I, myself want to punch the hell out this very laptop I'm working on at the moment because it's spazzing and freezing for no apparent reason but I won't because I know the long term consequences that will have on this already shitty laptop and how it will hinder me.
That coupled with phrases such as "I'm going to do a running jumping high kick if you don't complete that" leads me to believe that with the snap of a finger and a little more freedom we'd all resort to barbarism to make it through our lives and get our way.
Like just the other day I saw this guy I know almost get into a fight with another kid and when the teacher told him to be "the bigger person" his response was basically "fuck that, right now, I jus wanna whoop his ass." And I understand that 'cause I get like that sometimes to, ya know? We all get like that.
Need more proof? William Golding wrote a novel that is now considered a part of the literary canon which proved this exact point. It's name? "Lord of The Flies"
If that's not enough, about half a century prior to Golding there was Conrad. You guessed right, the novella "Heart of Darkness."
They show how society praises civilisation when in all honesty we just aren't that civilised.
I mean how easy is it to steal instead of working for something? I could walk into Wal-Mart tomorrow and with the right amount of planning and stealth steal that same iPod Touch you worked 4 months to afford within 5 minutes.
Or instead of just dealing with people I don't like I could go VT on those stupid motherf****** at my school tomorrow.
No I'm not crazy, not that damn violent, just simply making a point that we all seem to forget.
It's so hard to be civilised and show some restraint so when people do things like fight or get angry and stuff we should be a little less quick to judge and more understanding.
To further the argument look at the things we do for fun, we participate in sports like mixed martial arts or otherwise known as UFC, wrestling, football (not soccer), boxing, and the list goes on. Not only do we participate, we go to these sport events and cheer them on. We like bare fisted fighting with others and generally enjoy people suffering both emotionally AND physically.
Don't believe me? How often do you watch, listen, or read the tabloids? Just waiting to hear some juicy gossip about how dismal some celebrities life is. How often have you admitted to watching reality television just to see people more fucked up than you?
Need further proof? Look around you, observe how certain people are waiting for you to fall in dismay?
How many times have you heard the phrase, "misery loves company?"
Cliched statements are overused for a reason-- they ring true.
Many would argue that a solid founding in faith would combat all of what I'm saying however that too may not ring true because even biblical people questioned these exact same things.
Think about it, why did God flood the earth? Hmmm, that's right because it was corrupt.
Everyone falls into these habits and that's just how it is.
I am guilty of everything I'm saying here so don't take this a persecution, I'm just saying before you judge someone else for their seemingly awful make sure yours don't match.
I just hope to stress the fact that forgiveness, tolerance, and understanding is key to life and in order to practice those you have to, have to understand that restraining yourself is often easier said than done.
Just wanted to stir up a little controversy and share my thoughts with you guys because I was bored and had that on my mind.
And finally leave you with that a question "what is in a phrase?"

______________________________________________
Just to be clear I am FIRM believer in the justice system and when I say people should be more understanding I am in NO WAY saying that people shouldn't be punished for their crimes because they SHOULD. Just giving some fruit for thought here.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy.

untitled #2

2010-01-14T03:29:00.002-05:00

gathered around this plot
bidding you one final farewell
I’m honestly glad to see you gone.
I know that seems wrong
but honestly you had done me so much harm.

even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t have taken anymore pain from you.
because I’d been a sucker for punishment for far too long.
you abused my ego
and robbed me of trust.
stealing my faith
and locking my confidence in a box.

due to your seemingly intense hatred I will never be the same.
almost destined to be alone.
I was undeserving and
never fully understanding it,
I just learned to do without your love
but really wanting to wallow in misery.

-- lexy.

untiled #1

2010-01-12T03:03:00.002-05:00

I am uninspired
since there’s nothing transpiring.

words escape me
I battle a fading memory
fleeting time and
unsettled emotions

I know not how to express myself
and everything seems to have come to a head
and true to form I’ve begin running
unable to stop
yet standing still

I feel completely unoriginal
nothing’s authentic
and the pain I feel for you?
no different.

you’re nothing different.
because I simply feel indifferent.

my inability to believe in me,
my inability to have faith in me
arise from you.

I no longer know me
I have no idea why I’m here
why life’s path brought me here
I can’t handle this.

constantly hurt
always used
naivety always fooling me.
only deception and trickery befriending me.
now doubting myself
I have given up.

with nothing left to give
all I wanted was a friend
but they too seem to be fleeting – true emotions hard to come by.
- - lexy.

p.s. the numbers ARE sequential, I just post the poetry out of order (meaning I wrote this one before I wrote the one previously posted).

untitled #7

2010-01-10T03:02:00.003-05:00

you have a way with words they say.

an uncanny ability to convey intangible things

but my seemingly beautiful talent is a burden I carry

with great weight.

maybe one day I’ll learn to appreciate

but as of this day and many others I can only hate

because without it I am prevented from concentration

from sleep

from eating

from working

and from being whole, from feeling whole.

yet with it I am prevented from these same things while the words flow out of me

hoping that I can express my pain

my hurt

my love

my anger

my deepest emotions

the only way I know how, the best I know how.

just trying to survive.

this burden, this weight I carry

is my lifeline

and it works both ways.

i’ve jus got to learn to embrace.

-- lexy.

Avatar

2010-01-08T05:20:00.002-05:00

I went to see Avatar earlier and I thought it’d be neat to write my own take on this movie since I’ve heard so much about it and because it’s been subject to criticisms of being racist.

let me say that the movie was excellent, one of the best I’ve seen in a long time, like seriously. the acting was outstanding and the plot was superb. I feel like the writing was spot on and the way the movie moved, although a bit confusing at first, keeps you interested. if you want to know more on that then go see it for yourself, I’m not going into deep detail.

my main reason for writing though is to address the political undertones in this movie, the underlying message I received. I’m stressing the personal pronoun here because what you may have gotten out it might be something different entirely.

it seemed to me that this movie depicted a general theme among science-fiction books and movies: that humans will bring about their own eradication, europeans generally had no respect for people of other races/skin tones and humans overall have no respect for mother nature. i feel that in no way was this movie racist.

1. humans will one day bring about their own eradication: humans kill other humans as though we don’t know that killing one another is harmful to ourselves. we kill one another for our small differences and because there is always one person extremely greedy and bigoted. in order to stop this trend we must one day learn how to respect one another’s difference rather than using them as reason to war. our own inability to think for “the long run” will also kill us because we, as humans, think for the right here, right now and we end up killing future generations because of it.

2. European conquests across several continents throughout history proves this point, it doesn’t even really need an explanation but I will briefly give one. over time the Europeans did the same thing time and time again. went into a foreign land, deemed the people uncivilized and/or savage and tried to change them. if they could not force them into the European way then they were slaughtered and deemed unfit for life. those same euros did the same thing if the natives had something they wanted or if their land was in the way of something they wanted. they eradicated them if they couldn’t get what they wanted because the land was considered sacred or whatever the case was. case in point: the native americans. the Europeans also tore apart africa, the caribbean, etc. I mean it’s just what they do best. they demean, kill and hurt people. (some people would argue that this movie directly depicts what the euros did to the native americans)

3. As a race humans of modern times (modern doesn’t mean 2000s, I mean as far back as the 1800s) do not value mother nature or respect her. we tear her apart at every turn and disrespect her. we don’t value anything that’s natural unless it’s on our mind at that point right then. it’s seriously sad. we pollute the earth constantly through the burning of fossil fuels which we have been burning for over 300 years now with no effort to find alternative means of power even after learning of the devastating effects. this point also directly ties in with number 1 because with an earth we don’t exist and hence we’re slowly killing ourselves and we’ll have no one to blame. also we take from this earth with no intentions of giving back either; we’re greedy.

To keep from repeating myself too many times or being too radical I’ll end here.

Main point is this: go see Avatar. It’s a great film and very political if you ask me.

&& I'm out.

-- lexy.

Hope You Didn't Think You Knew All There was to Know About Sexuality

2010-01-06T05:51:00.002-05:00

I believe that sexuality is fluid and I believe the Kinsey report. meaning that I believe that there are only a few exclusively heterosexual or homosexual people in the world. I will always hold fast to that belief and believe because this is true people should lose the hostility towards people of sexualities over than heterosexuality and they should do it quick. I’m not saying that you have to participate I’m just saying people should stop judging others. Thing is I realize a lot of this stems from religion

and the other spiritual beliefs people hold fast to but sometimes you just gotta accept the facts and when read and analyzed the facts show that sexuality is fluid. and I really don’t care how many friends I lose by writing this blog because honestly if you were a friend it wouldn’t matter. anyways I also believe that because sexuality fluid it is okay for ones sexuality to change over time. I have to also say that you cannot help what you are turned on or attracted to because if that was the case people would choose to be the dominant sexuality (heterosexuality) simply because it is accepted and not frowned upon in society. with that said I firmly believe that your sexual orientation Is not a choice. If others believe that then I’d like to ask why they chose to be heterosexual (because let’s face it the majority of the people doing the judging is hetero, Christian [and other religious] people. since heteros make everyone who is different feel like they’re social outcasts they usually end going through life unfulfilled and unhappy because they’re trying to conform to the social norm and that’s not fair. I know it takes a long time for people to accept their sexuality but they should do it as soon as possible because it will lead to a much more satisfying life experience. don’t let the ignorant assholes keep you from doing what you feel to be right.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy.

Standing for Something

2010-01-04T05:54:00.002-05:00

my convictions are my convictions.
don't try and change me because you don't agree.
here is where I post them in order to express them because in everyday life I don't always get that chance.
so still feel free to comment or whatever but don't come here trying to judge or bash me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Realities

2010-01-02T03:44:00.001-05:00

there are two very important people in my life who both keep trying to convince me of the exact same thing which I refuse to believe.

Who they are is no matter but what they do is.

Forcing your beliefs of someone else is not very democratic especially when what you’re trying to force on me simply is not the truth.

Plainly put these people keep trying to convince me that everyone reality is the same when obviously this is not true.

Everyone’s situations are different and may greatly vary from one individual to the next.

It’s not very fair that they do this to me either, they feel that because they are in positions of authority they can force me into that position but they are very mistaken. I feel as though it’s important for them to know that by me not believing that bullshit that they’re telling me I’m proving my exact point. My reality is different.

She is stuck in the past still thinking that every Caucasian person is out to get you and that they hate black people or hold some innate belief that they’re better when this simply isn’t true. She also believes that black folk are incapable of holding a position of power and to some extent I believe that she believes they shouldn’t be given the chance. She also has an instense hatred of homosexuals and even participated in the outcasting of a close family member when they became involved with someone of the same sex. As I’ve reminded her time and time again, just because you practice and believe these things doesn’t mean they’re true. Her response is “you just keep on livin’ honey.” I always walk away feeling as though nothing’s been accomplished but I know that deep within every time I don’t idly sit by and let her rant I’ve accomplished something. I’vw fought a small fight which proves that my reality is different from hers.

He (the other individual) tries very hard to convince me that because I can argue a certain point of view or be understanding (despite how twisted the story may be) it means I believe that point of view. WRONG! It’s very similar to how an attorney can defend someone they may know to be guilty not only because it’s their duty but because they want them to get a fair shake. Plain and simple. Now I know life ain’t fair but I believe in trying to make it as fair as possible and the only way we can do that is through understanding. So once again my reality is different from yours, simply because I can be understanding and non-convicting despite how evil someone (or the situation) is. After all we’re only human.

I think that’s enough said.

&& I’m out.

-- lexy.

About This New Year of 2010...

2010-01-01T22:53:00.000-05:00

let me jus say I ain’t gonna talk about it, imma be about it. so they’ll be no post of resolutions and shit. I’m just going to be me.

let’s start this decade off right. =]

And I Bet You Never Would Have Guessed Paranoia Was Narcissism as an Undercover Agent

2009-12-29T01:37:00.003-05:00

As I’ve previously written about, paranoia is something that afflicts me daily and I began to wonder about the complexity of the issue. Although paranoia is a serious matter, one of self-consciousness, isn’t it also possibly one of conceit or narcissism? Think about it, paranoia consists of the individual frequently having thoughts that people are occupied with discussing them and talking about them as they enter and move about the room. (At least that’s the kind of paranoia that plagues me) While the thoughts and words these people may be having are negative in nature the fact remains that people are talking about the said individual. Now isn’t that a little be narcissistic of the individual to think that people actually have time to sit around and talk about the clothes they have on or the spot on their teeth (disregard the fact that people actually do do this quite frequently)? The answer is yes regardless as to how much of a disease and matter of poor self-image paranoia may result from. Which bring me to the ultimate point, that makes me secretly narcissistic and I don’t like the thought of that at all because I’m honestly not that concerned with myself and only myself. I absolutely love caring for other people and this worries me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m narcissistic and the funny thing is that by writing this I’m being paranoid about being narcissistic which proves my point double. –sigh- why is shit so complicated?

&& I’m out.

- - lexy.

formspring.me

2009-12-28T01:06:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/addisonsawhiz09

formspring.me

2009-12-28T01:03:00.001-05:00

If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?

my computer.
my camera.
my iPod.

What was the happiest moment in your life?

when I graduated from high school.
I hated my high school.

Ask me anything

How the Time Flies

2009-12-27T22:29:00.001-05:00

I’ve been absent for over a month with no good reason except that I’d been absent from my life all together over the last month of school right up until break. Only things I honestly had time for was being a robot that went to class, endured, went to work, and came home to do daily chores and tasks. It’s not really something I’m glad I let happen because you should never leave your life but I have a tendency of doing. At any rate I’m just glad I finished semester one and that I have time to write again. I’m really glad. I didn’t mean to neglect my writing it just took a backseat as it always does but shouldn’t. I ain’t making any promises but I’m going to try to stay in action with better time management and what not. =]
&& I'm out
-- Lexy.

First Years Always Get The Worse of It

2009-11-05T14:27:00.001-05:00

So today was class registration and it's a very frustrating process as a first year even when I factor in the fact that in January we will have drop/add. It's so annoying. Ugh. We always get the bottom of the damn totem pole when it comes to registration. We're shitty, non-interesting classes at times that we'd rather die than get up that early. Ugh. Then budget cuts don't make it any better. My schedule isn't too bad and I don't have to get up too early but it ain't (yes I said 'ain't') my ideal schedule. >=[

This cartoon describes it best:

&& I'm out.

-- lexy.

The Shoes That Got Away

2009-11-03T17:32:00.002-05:00

Before this year I never really cared about my clothes; as long as they were clean and sort of stylish plus fit me well that's all that mattered and then all of a sudden I began to take an interest in clothes.

I always hated straight leg jeans and now that I have one pair I fear I'll wear them out. Lol.
Not to mention I almost had a heart attack when I thought I'd mistakenly bleached them.

Anyways the post is about this pair of Tom's Shoes I'd been dying to have called the Remarque Toms with the quote "Make Art, Not War" on them. I've been waiting for about one month and a half to get these shoes because they were sold out in my size but as it turns out it was a seasonal style and now that they're gone, they're gone.
A little piece of me died when I saw that.
-sigh- Oh well.
Here's a picture for old times sake anyways. I envy those who got a pair.

I have to admit that I was a little late to the Toms game though, I didn't really take notice of them until about June-ish when this girl told me about the movement behind them and I've been down ever since. I just haven't felt the need to have a pair until I saw the Remarque's.
Because I couldn't get those I will probably go for either the Barletta Cordones or the Cortazar Cordones, we shall see very soon. Only thing that concerns me is the fact that I'm ordering online and I'm not too sure of the fit/feel and I don't want to get something out the way. Ya feel me?

Anyways I'm really into beanies too and now that winters coming in I'm looking at a few I might get. There's this Hurley one I'm definitely getting (shown to the right) and I saw a Quicksilver one I might cop as well but I'll have to see. I'm also in love with visor beanies and I own a black Tarheel one, a black Jack Daniels one, and a gray Halo 3 one. We'll see if my collection will grow anymore.

Also I'm a pretty casual dresser when it comes to clothes so I prefer tee's and collared shirts (i.e. polo's) but now I notice I'm shifting to tee's more and more simply because they're a lot more free, a lot less restricting. I saw a few shirts in PacSun and Hot Topic worth picking up and I even got a few online exclusives on the way right now. I really like this O'Neill one (shown to the left) but I think it looks too much like the other one I already ordered. Volcom makes some really good tee's as well. Yes this is men's, I prefer men's tees over womens.

Lastly I'm feinding for a digital watch one, specifically a G Shock. This one is so hot, it's not colorful or anything, it's black (mostly 'cause I'm a simple kind of gal when it comes to clothing/accessories) anyways it's about $350 (so I won't be getting it any time soon). The official model number is "G7710-1". Or there's this atomic one I'm totally down for too called the "GW700BRJ-1A". It's highlighted in rose gold yo.

There are some jackets I'd like to cop too, I want a hoodie, a Northface, and a peacoat. I could go into specific details but jackets/coats are just something I DON'T buy on style alone because their ability to keep me warm, how they fit, and their overall ability to match anything matters to me too.

Now that you got a little taste of my style let me know wassup wit yo closet.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

The Past Week in Review and a Preview of the Upcoming week.

2009-11-02T19:01:00.002-05:00

Last week was an extremely busy week so I'll let you know how things went with the exception of Halloween (which was so shitty it deserved it's own separate post!). Anyways I'll start off with Thursday because the rest of the week I was just busy with work and school and I don't want to bore you with that crap. Thursday, the 29th I attended my first drag show at Carolina which was effin' awesome! It was epic, I truly enjoyed it, like words can't describe it you just have to experience it. Hear are a few pictures from the event:

Yes I understand the pictures kind of suck but I'm no professional photographer and it was hard to catch them in still moment since they were performing. All in all it was a great show. (I have a lot more photos but that's quite enough).

Then that night I went to the club, my first time going in CH and it was quite an enjoyable experience plus I didn't have to get up until 11am on Friday so I was very well rested. Overall Thursday was an excellent day!

Onto Friday which was another experience. The day was basically like any other until I went to the ZTA pig pickin' which had some of the best BBQ I'd had in a while. It successfully reminded me of Family Reunion and how excited I am for next year. After that I went to the Pauper Players play named "Wild Party" which I thought was really good especially for an all-student ran organization. The plot was a LITTLE thin but the acting made up for it so I was okay. I made like 10 new friends that night and went to watch "Rocky Picture Horror Show" for the first time which I thought was pretty funny. My favorite song is the "Time Warp". Haha.

Saturday got a blog of it's own.

Sunday I didn't do much except go see Fabolous at the homecoming concert and I thought he gave us a great show. I'm not a Fabo afficianado but I'm pretty fluent in his music and I especially liked his last album. I liked the show and even though I wasn't supposed to I got a photo of him and here it is. This was taken during his last song which was "Throw It In the Bag [Remix]".

A Week In Preview:
Well this week is homecoming and I know for certain I'll be going to the exhibition basketball game on Friday and some party Friday night. Saturday I'll likely either go participate in the parade with GLBTSA or go watch the parade on Franklin. Then I'll be at the football game to watch us "level the devils!" Anything after that is up for grabs. Sunday I'm going to go see former UNC student Anoop Desai. All week long I'll participate in pit events thrown by the school if I have time. Then onto another school week.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

On Halloween It Sucks to Be a Tarheel

2009-11-01T14:41:00.005-05:00

Like seriously yo, Halloween on the hill sucked major.
Shutting down Franklin Street to run up and down it looking at costumes gets old after like 5 seconds.
It's also lame because there are 10 and 12 year olds out there being annoying. Plus grown ass adults bring their 5 and 6 year olds like they don't have any common sense either.
And if that's not bad enough there are freakin' pervs in front of every window and on every corner standing there with their cameras waiting for girls to walk by in their "slutty" outfits. I even saw one guy trying to take a picture up a girls dress.
Quite disgusting.
The only way Franklin Street is fun on Halloween is if you pre-game because honestly when you're wasted what isn't funny?
If that's not the worst of it the stupid frat parties were exclusive as hell because you either had to have a wristband or be on the list. How lame is that? If you don't want outsiders coming in just have them show their onecard douche.

What's so bad about that is that here, at UNC, we all know that the likelihood of you getting onto one of those lists or getting a wristband without being Caucasian is extremely slim. Point blank.
This is coming from someone who hates when people play the "race card" but I have to say that in this case it's resoundingly true. The diversity exists at UNC but the races are segregated (that's a whole 'nother blog though).
To top it all off the police made me throw my broom (I was Professor McGonagall) in the bushes because it could be considered a weapon. How stupid is that? My effin' cell phone is heavier than that damn broom was!

Overall that night was pretty shitty and I know for certain next year I'll be at someone else's university or at home in Charlotte.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Bear With Me

2009-10-30T17:55:00.001-04:00

So I know it's been a minute since I've posted but I've been real busy trying to be a studious college kid a shit. Hold out until after Halloween (which I'm excited about) and I should be goodie. To slightly amuse yourself look at this cute picture that matches my title:

&& I'm out.

-- lexy.

"She's Nothing Like A Girl You've Ever Seen Before"

2009-10-24T15:57:00.003-04:00

Soooooooooo "Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta (feat. Akon) is just beginning to hit the U.S. and I looovvveeee the song. (Some would argue this point but whatever).

My friends have a really good description of this song, it's so funny but I'm afraid if I explain it here the comedy will be lost so just ask when you see me in person if you're that interested. =]

And then there are other songs/singles that I'm absolutely in love with right now including (but not limited to)
{blue = new, red = semi-new, yellow = old, green = throwback} :

3 - Britney Spears
Infinity (Klass Vocals Mix) - Guru Josh Project
Timebomb - Beck
Dance Like A Freak - DJ Class
Hotel Room Service - Pitbull
Under (Morgan Page Remix) - (I'm not sure of the artist)
Money Honey, I Like It Rough, and Starstruck (feat. Flo Rida) [3 different songs] - Lada Gaga
Chillin' - Wale (feat. Lady Gaga)
XR2 - M.I.A.
Girls On the Dance Floor - The Far East Movement
Kiss My Sass - Cobra Starship
Now That We're Done - Metro Station
Sooner Than Later - Drake
Intention (Edit) - Josh Gabriel
Oh Sheila - Ready for the World

Whoa... this list is getting out of hand. Lol.

I love sooooooooooooooo much music.

I can't help it. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Oh My God, You Can't Breathe? I'm SO Sorry

2009-10-23T23:39:00.001-04:00

I've had trouble sitting down to write this blog for quite a few days now. I can't get the words to come to me... more like the title. I don't like writing things and giving them whack ass titles. I'd rather leave them untitled before I do that.

Not the point though.

I've been thinking and I noticed that I'm super clingy when it comes to my friends.

I'm a 'loaner' in most aspects but then again I'm not.... honestly I'm everything and it's contradiction but that's another blog altogether. Anyways I cling to my friends and I have super high expectations of them even though I know that honestly they have no real ties to me outside of the ones they create. I expect these really high rates of communication and to hang out with me frequently and it's really bad. I have to remind myself that my friends are simply friends and nothing more. I have to say I'm sorry if I'm ever too much to bear but it's in my nature. I've never had many friends and the ones I do have I would really love to keep and not lose contact with (which is another flaw of mine: hating change but that too is another topic). Sometimes I question if it's truly a negative thing though because I feel like friends should value each other and what not but maybe that too is another high expectation. I don't know, maybe my standards are too high and maybe I've got my shit all twisted. It's real hard for me sometimes to read people's expectations.

But before I start rambling the main purpose is to say I'm sorry in advance to my friends if I'm ever too clingy or I begin to suffocate you because it's in my nature and I don't mean to ['cause we all know clinginess is 'unattractive' (for a lack of a better word)].

&& I'm out.

-- lexy.

Re-creation Was Only An Illusion

2009-10-22T03:46:00.002-04:00

In high school I remember constantly talking about getting a fresh start and beginning anew as if going to college was synonymous with a blank slate or fresh start but just as I feared it was not. I fell into the trap of acting like me instead of carving a new being, becoming a blank slate where no one knew me. Ugh. I missed my chance and now I've got to deal with what I've got until I get the chance again. And no one of this is to say I haven't liked the people I met or made new friends its just to say that I'm overall disappointed with the way I've handled the recreation of me.

Unlike this picture where the sun is peeking through I failed to begin anew.

I mean I even stayed the same so much that I even let myself fall into that trap of liking someone that will never feel the same about me, something I promised I wouldn't do... It's fucking annoying. Yuck. And this is me being me.

And I guess I'm stuck with it.

&& I'm done.
-- lexy.

Ay Nerds Like It Too

2009-10-21T06:47:00.003-04:00

There seems to be this notion that nerds don't like sex or sexual contact and that'd be a mistake to make that assumption.

*****Hold Up.... This is completely out of character but it needs to be said.*****

Like I was saying just because I tend to like Star Wars, playing video games, and knowing odd facts doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person. And just because I'm not talking about it constantly or that it's not my every thought (or every other thought) doesn't mean sex repulses me. I mean I'm no prude by any means I just don't feel the need to publicize my desires. I'm an adult and adults don't splash their business everywhere like a splatter painting. I'm just speaking for myself here though, as a fellow nerd.

&& That's all
-- lexy.

All The Things I Should Have Said

2009-10-20T16:54:00.004-04:00

As I slowly tell my friends more and more about my peculiar habits and odd ways I feel like these are people I've been waiting to meet my entire life. They don't judge me and for that I'm grateful.

Anyways I really hate writing without a point and here I am doing just that today, with no clear direction.
I noticed I have a problem. I always talk about how I'm socially awkward (although no one agrees) and here's an example:

I greet a table of people of whom I know two people. I say "hello ___ & ____. hey everybody else."

There's problem number 1, why did it seem okay to say "hello everyone else"? I mean thinking back on it it seems incredibly rude but then it would have been worse not to greet them at all. I could have perhaps made eye contact with everyone and greeted them all at once with a hearty "hey, wassup?".

Okay so the two I spoke to responded and then I stand there, confused about my next action. Do I stand there and converse or do I walk away. I chose the latter. I walked away feeling disillusioned but here's where the paranoia kicks in. As soon as I step away from the table I begin to wonder if they're talking about me, actually convinced they're laughing at me. And there lies problem 2. My paranoia complex which I presented a blog or two ago. Does everyone experience anxiety like this? Am I not alone? Or is everyone else comfortable enough not to care? And then at the end of the day I go back through and analyze every social interaction I've had that day and analyze it for ways I could have strengthened my responses and things I can avoid for tomorrows interactions. Therein lies problem 3. Why am I analyzing conversations that have passed for flaws and ways I can strengthen them like it's a rough draft of a paper? Ugh. It's so frustrating and QUITE exhausting. Even when I honestly don't want to analyze I do, I just can't help myself. Anxiety of this level can not be good for you. Problem number 4 lies in the fact that I can't help myself when it comes to apologizing even though I advocate for people to apologize left. I later apologized to that group of people on another day trying to explain my situation (and that too didn't come out quite right). Problem 5 kicks in after the apologies, if that didn't go quite right and I deem the entire conversation a fuck up then I overcompensate by trying to have an extra good conversation which generally leads to social fau pauxs (sp?) the next time I see you or worse I avoid you until I think you've forgotten (and even then when we talk I'm wondering if your thinking about it). Problem 6 comes in the face of me overcompensating -- poor word choice. My diction sucks and I'm generally a well-spoken individual, just not so much when it comes to myself. So I think I may need treatment for this and it's part of the reason I'm a loner, being around people just tends to put me out, like I can't function properly because I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I always get the feeling I leave shitty first impressions which is why I'm always shocked when someone wants to be my friend.

Trouble with all this tends to be that I'm doing nothing but tiring myself out.
I think it's long overdue I give a big shout out/thanks to KB H. just 'cause she encouraged me to blog again. Probably wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Cheers to blogging without a purpose.
|
|
V

&& I'm Out
-- lexy.

Oh The Things I Could Be

2009-10-20T02:08:00.001-04:00

But will never be continue to haunt me.

People claim they love me but I've heard that many time before...

And all the times those words have hurt.

Putting far too much trust in humans and anything they say.

Friends should always be there and not only when they want you to be there.

And I know I've said it a thousand times but I hope I'm not annoying you...

Forgive me for I'm clingy since I've never had a friend as sincere as thee.

Even though I'm doubtful of your intentions too.

So because I'm leery but mostly scared

I'll guard my own heart with a lock and key.

I'll swallow it and no one will ever open.

Oop.

I hope I'm not annoying you with my back and forth tactics.

Now I'm confusing even me 'cause

I just wanted a dear friend and now I've got more than I've bargained for.

I've developed a love for you nothing could ever replace.

So I'll just stay and keep being friends

'cause it's all I've got

and probably all I'll ever get from you.

Even though a stylish kid like you should be interested in a nerd like me.

Oh the things WE could be.

[And I understand all too well it will never come to pass but I will always be there].
&& I love you.

-- lexy.

Dude! Quit Staring at Me -- It's Making Me Nervous

2009-10-19T05:42:00.002-04:00

Let me start by saying I have a paranoia complex.

Whatever that means right?

No seriously, I'm ridiculously self conscious AND I always think people are talking about me...always.
Simply put, I'm just not socially fit.

At this school the honor code is stressed like no other.
I feel like we're in Orwell's 1984 where Big Brother is watching me at all times.
Like while I surf the internet
and listening to me as I converse with friends or when I'm on the phone.
And don't say it's illegal.
'Cause our government is full of shit these days and I don't trust it.
Obama or not.
I feel like I'm being watched right now too.
I don't wanna do anything to dirty or treacherous because I'm so sure I'll be arrested or that I'll be called up to honor court.
And just something about that word "court" that makes a black person sweat. I don't wanna be in court.
Maybe I'm over reacting but

I could swear Big Brother's watching.
And if it turns out to be true. I won't say I told you so, I don't need to, you'll already know as I'll have been called up to honor court for all those times I questioned them and the morals of this university.
One pretends to be high and on good standing but this university is just as corrupt as everything else.
And no I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm just a paranoid college kid with a knack for detecting bullshit.
How else will they know if you illegally download?
They watch.
By posting this I may lose credibility.
You may question my sanity.
And you may laugh at me.
But this is my spot. A place for wizardry (and wishful thinking) and sometimes poetry.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Imma Stab Yo Ass

2009-10-13T22:56:00.001-04:00

Excuse my grammar, I don't usually speak that way. Haha.
Thing is though in my English class today we talked about gun control and my one problem with the argument is that it always seems to be to one extreme or the other. We either have to be gun slingers or no guns at all, what ever happened to meeting in the middle? I think that's the one thing we've forgotten as Americans in general. Hell, I know I have, I'm used to my way or the highway. Unfortunately there'd be billions of "highways" with no clear direction if the world worked that way. Onto my point.

I bet your wondering why I would name my blog something so violent and direct. Well to simply put it: violence isn't limited to any one weapon particularly guns. I understand that guns can desensitize any individual and allow them to be a little more detached from the crime but at any rate PEOPLE pull the triggers not the guns themselves. I mean mysterious little ghosts don't just pull the triggers. I agree that they probably should be a little more regulated but the fact remains that regardless of regulations 'imma git chu' one way or another.' If the extremists on the left get their way then a clean sweep of guns will be done and people should be a lot safer. Not. Sorry. Because next thing you know everyone will carry around little sheaths with hunting (or bigger) knives. True you have to be closer to stab someone than you ever would with a gun but still if I want you gone I got chu. Maybe people will get like some street gangs and carry around machetes, won't that be great. And then the people will outcry again saying that the knives killed people and government will obey our wishes and sweep them off the market too and force you to cut your Thanksgiving turkey with kitchen scissors (imagine that!). Then we'll be back to the old school weapons like crowbars, bats, golf clubs,etc. hell we can throw in sharpened tree branches. These too will be regulated and registered as the people outcry about people getting bludgeoned to death. And finally we'll be relegated back to good ole fashioned fist fights. And one day your fists too will have numbers imprinted on them to make sure they don't magically knock a homie out. Take a breath.

Well this scenario is the EXTREME "utopia" view and I pray that it'll never go as far as that but here's my second point: people need to STOP blaming guns and look at themselves when it comes to peoples misfortunates and mishaps. I understand that small children don't know the difference but once again instead of blaming guns maybe parents should stop dishing their responsibilities to television and teach their kids some common sense and ON TOP OF THAT put your colt .45 in a damn LOCK SAFE. or in a place you know for certain your kid can't get to (for YOU barely remember it's there) and I'm not talking about the top of your closet. Honestly though with good parenting your kid shouldn't even want to touch a gun because my grandparents had guns my entire life (even when I lived with them) and I never felt the urge to play with it.

My overall goal is just to show the American people that in cases like this regulation won't do a damn thing to stop the violence, it's just like kids in search of the next 'cool' trend, illusive and once grasped dropped for the next thing. Trust me the limiting of guns won't stop people from killing each other, they'll do that anyways. It'll just stop people from buying guns.

***this is in no way endorsing the sale of machine guns or other extremely dangerous weapons, those SHOULD be regulated. This is just to address the argument that "guns kill."***

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Memoirs of Another Life

2009-10-07T15:51:00.001-04:00

Often when I listen to music (of a certain tempo/content) I get lost in it and begin to daydream in which I find myself visualizing and vividly experiencing things that have never happened to me (or perhaps have yet to occur to me). I had long since equated this to reincarnation not only because these things were so vivid but because I had knowledge far beyond my years even at a young age (and this is not only by my account). I have to say that if this is so in my other life I must have been one hell of an individual with a hard life because the things I see are rarely pleasant or happy. What's more is that often when I have these visions its so real that I'm only snapped out of them by multiple calls of my name or by a loud noise. It's sometimes scary. Another thing that comes along with this is the fact that I've seriously always thought I was going to die young, even since I was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old. I don't know why but I just do. It's like this overwhelming feeling of knowing (but of course no one believes me). It'd be a stretch to say I've envisioned the way it's going to happen but often it's tragic. Maybe that's just me wanting to be seen. I dunno.

I digress.

Is it possible that I could be seeing my future life though? Or is that too radical, too far out there? For now I'll stick to it being the prior. In my prior life I was much more courageous and valiant exactly the opposite of what I am now. Here I'm the kid stuck in a rut who waits around on life to come to me --both romantically and socially speaking-- rather than taking the intiative in these situations. I'm too self-concious though, that's always been a problem for me (and probably always will be, I'm only human right?). At this point I have serious concerns about my long-term social life; I guess that will take care of itself though.

I went out this past weekend, to a party, two nights in a row and I had plenty-o-fun but I almost had a heart attack Saturday although I can't really divulge why. I realized though that I spend so much of my life trying to protect myself from hurt or rejection by fading into the background and keeping things to myself that I often only make it worse because I always then end up in impossible situations. Those situations generally frustrate me more. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to come out and say what I need to say...maybe I'll do it here.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

If I Ever Had a Glimmer of Happiness it's This:

2009-10-06T21:43:00.006-04:00

Music.
Point blank.
Period.
I'm passionate as a mutha about it.
I play instruments and I'm admirer of music of all kinds.
I'm writing this to recommend a few ALBUMS to you guys.

<------ 1. Man on the Moon - Kid Cudi. A freshman effort definitely worth checking out. He has a story to tell and he tells it brilliantly backed up with excellent production. My faves happen to include the entire album except "Make Her Say" and "Enter Galactic" both of which have good content but just don't strike me like the rest do.

2. Brand New Eyes - Paramore. ----> It's a bit of a different sound for them but it works regardless. Once again the album is held together by good content. My absolute favorite song is "Misguided Ghost" though. It's on repeat.

<----- 3. The Fame- Lady Gaga. There seem to be a few of you still sleeping on Lady Gaga and I just wanted to let you know you're crazy. Lol. For real though it's good, nothing left to say about it. "Starstruck", "Money Honey" "Paparazzi" and "I Like It Rough" are a few faves.

4. Swoon - Silversun Pickups. ----> Maybe because I just love the lead singers raspy voice but still I love this album too. Don't sleep on SSPU b/c that'd be a mistake. Some of my favorites on here include the lead single "Panic Switch", "Draining" and "Growing Old Is Getting Old."

Some other artists you should give a listen to are Drake (the rapper), Drake (the group that made the album "Dead Perspective"), Daft Punk, DJ Shadow, A.R. Rahman, Josh Gabriel, Santigold, and everyone's gotta love Michael Jackson. Oh I'd like you to also take a listen to Joshua Radin, Chairlift, and Wale. =]

Music and blogging are the only hopes I have left.

And I can't let anyone take those away from me.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Waterworks

2009-10-06T18:19:00.003-04:00

I never used to cry. Period.
I never even realized the weight of my very own teardrop.
And now I'm like a god damn waterworks. When anything goes wrong it's like my body's natural response to cry.
What the fuck is that?
That's a weakness, something that shows I'm vulnerable.
Today I want to cry but I'm keeping the tears back.
I keep fucking up my life. I mean I have no one to blame but myself.

   I was late to work...by an hour.
   I skipped Geography.
   I fell asleep in English.
   I didn't go to sleep last night.
   I waited two weeks to do my laundry.
   I had to do a last minute assignment.

Maybe my daddy was right yo. I don't try hard enough but honestly this is the hardest I ever tried.
I'm nothin' but a fuck up.
That's what I feel like right now.
And all I wanna do is cry instead of trying to fix my problems.
Its so much easier to wallow in my despair.

&& that's all for now.
-- lexy.

And Just When I Thought the Stars Had Aligned...

2009-10-05T04:00:00.012-04:00

...Things turn out not to be right.
Actually they turn out to be exactly how I left them.
Just when I thought change had come I realize I'm exactly how I was before, numb.
Still immune from the pain
Just seems like things can't change.

Honestly I had a new attitude, I thought I could be more assertive and I thought I could be open with the people I consider "friends". That all changes though when you open your mouth but you can't force the words to come out because you're scared what you say will forever alter the course of your relationship with them. You don't want people worried and you just rather not have this discussion. So like the wimp I am I close my mouth and hope to utter it another day. Fuck my reality yo and the pitiful being that I am.

I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. The things I advocate I truly believe but when it comes to myself it's like a whole new set of standards. Its like I'm stuck in a rut where I can't change anything and I'm destined to be that way... oh wait I don't believe in destiny. That means I'm creating one fucked up fate for myself.
I'm just blabbing now. I come back later...
When I have something more meaningful to say.

&& that's it.
-- lexy.

Speaking of Which...

2009-10-01T16:28:00.001-04:00

Doesn't forbidding something only make the desire to have it, read it or do it stronger? I mean generally rebellion is frowned upon but rebellion in the sense of reading a banned book adds excitement to ones life as the person is reading to see just how much the book pushes the boundaries or for what reason it was banned. That makes a lot of sense doesn't it? With that said wouldn't an average observe be right (or not too far off) to say that banning, censoring, or challenging a book has the potential of making book sales skyrocket? Now I'm not one big on conspiracy theories and seeing as how I'm a writer myself I'd hate to implicate that a writer was writing a very provocative book simply for the hope of being banned, etc and then having high book sales. As a logical thinker as well that just doesn't make sense (but we all know people don't always use logic) because writing a novel is so exhausting, it takes too much out of you to be simply done for profit gain. You have to enjoy the process and then obviously the books are filled with beautiful content and excellent writing skills as they all get on the "NY Times best-seller list" or win Newberry medals. That theory is just too far fetched for my tastes.

I'm simply following up on my first post with something I thought of in relation to a book being banned.

&& that's all for now.
--lexy.

First Amendment Day

2009-10-01T16:12:00.004-04:00

So today was First Amendment Day at my university (UNC) and I know that the 1st Amendment focuses on much more freedoms than the freedom of press but honestly I found that to be the most interesting aspect of today and the whole process leading up to today. Due to the few groups I'm in (and listservs) I knew the day was coming up but I was surprised when I went into Bull's Head (bookstore in Student Stores) the other day and saw the "Banned, Censored, and Challenged" section of books in the very front complete with explanations as to why they were challenged, banned or censored. I thought this very informative of the school but then I remembered that I'm no longer in high school but in a public institution where information is handed out freely and willingly.

Anyways at that moment, upon seeing "Kite Runner" in this section and I bought it on a whim, now being the busy college student I am I have yet to have time to sit down and read it (hell I barely had time to study for my geography exam) but the point is I was enticed [to buy] by the fact that the book was banned. I encouraged all of my Facebook friends and everyone I knew on campus to drop by and take a look because you might be surprised by what you see. Many of the books there I saw on the AP reading list last year or I had read myself such as "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury or "The Color Purple" by Alice Walker. Also Toni Morrison appeared twice with "Song of Solomon" and "Beloved" then Maya Angelou with "Why the Caged Birds Sing". Then there was "Kite Runner" (previously mentioned) by Khaled Hosseini. I was not surprised to see Harry Potter on the list as we live in a country with many, many religious zealots (for those who do not know, I am love with the HP series and deeply saddened by its end). Then there was "The Golden Compass" and a book by J.R.R. Tolken that WASN'T "Lord of the Rings" (I forget the title). And perhaps the most surprising was "Little Red Riding Hood" because it supposedly supports alcohol abuse since Red takes her grandmother wine and if that's not bad enough "Where the Wild Things Are" was on there too for "...psychoanalytic..." I was like, huh? You reading to deep. There were many more books but those were the ones I could remember off the top of my head.

What struck me the most about the entire issue is the fact that all of this only leads me to further believe that our country is populated by many, many small-minded people who like being small-minded and closed off to other ideas and beliefs. It always strikes me as boring to be close-minded though, I like being open-minded and open to anything (at least once). I mean that's just how I was raised to be (perhaps I'm fortunate in that aspect). Point being that I think our country could benefit from our high school aged teens reading some provocative" books in order to get them to see other viewpoints since our classrooms don't always promote diversity and openness. I mean honestly how much can a book hurt a solidly founded individual? It can't, it simply opens them to other ideas and allows them to contemplate the issues and perhaps even have dialogue with the text (meaning respond to the text, mark that book up and analyze). I mean that's just my thought.

As I said before I completely understand that there are other parts to the 1st Amendment and I support those too but I feel as though the freedom of press is one of significant importance because people are always trying to stifle one another's creative visions in writing when all you have to do is not read something if you don't like it. Don't take the pleasure away from someone who may enjoy the text.

&& that's all for now.
-- lexy.

Welcome Back

2009-06-29T01:55:00.000-04:00

So I've had my laptop for a little minute now, broke it in and it's doing well. I decided I'd come on tonight and throw a lil' something on the blog. lol. I mean really I don't even like blogging or writing in general without a purpose, like I want it to be deep and thought provoking but I haven't felt like that in a while so Imma just go with the flow.

Like I said before: I feel like everything is falling into place with my life right now and I really couldn't ask for more. I'm loving it. However, I'm leaving in 3 days to go to South Carolina therefore I will be outta comission for about 2 weeks since my grandmother doesn't have internet. It won't be so bad though 'cause I got my phone. Lol. Anyways I'm a little bored with life like I wanna go somewhere new or do something new. Anyone have any suggestions?

So I guess I can tell you a little bit more about myself; I'm 17 years old and I just graduated from high school exactly 2 weeks ago. I will be attending the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill hopefully majoring in Computer Science. I'm all Tar Heel all day, I wasn't always that way though. Lol. Uhh I was born in Far Rockaway, NY and I love my hometown/state. Go NY! Besides that I dunno what else to say. I'm done for now I guess, I'm gonna go play L4D and maybe I'll return later. =]