Gone Haywire

lately I've been emotionally all over the place.
from despair to happiness to sadness. . . it's strange, hadn't had this happen in a long time and I wish I knew why it were happening.
not much else to say. or rather I don't feel like articulating it. -sigh- maybe another day.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

sit up straight.
elbows off the table.
chew with your mouth closed.
don't eat with your hands.
don't speak that way.
sit down.
do your work.
stop talking.
pay attention.
snap out of it.
grow up.
stop complaining.
take responsibility.
lose that weight.
suck in your fat.
do better.
try harder.
command after command.
critical voice one after another.
society's pressures weighing down on me.
my grandmothers hand bearing down on my face.
and a tear squeaks from my eye
as I try to hold it all in.
trying to prevent anyone from seeing my soft interior.
from breaking my thin outer shell.
from seeing me in my most vulnerable position.
one in which I feel simply unsafe.
open to all the pressures, stings, criticism, and hurt from all those involved in society.
nobody can fix me.
just as I think I have a grip on me,
I learn something new which keeps me from knowing all of me.
and yet I still look to so-ci-ety.
to comfort me when I'm feeling a bit inadequate.
only to walk away more hurt than before.
if only someone could help me.  . .

(no idea what this is about, no direction, just wrote).

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

the menial things

the time for giving up has come.
for I cannot take it anymore.
I've lost a part of me.
somewhere in all this mess.
and this is
just as I was fixing me
not like something dramatic happened
by this occurrence was simply the final straw for me.
I'd like to depart.
never to see this place again.
for the sake of my sanity.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

for the sake of love

we sacrifice.

we find ourselves giving up a part of ourselves.

accepting mediocrities

and half truths.

even things we know are far from the truth.

I'm not talking romantic love.

I'm talking unconditional love.

familial love.

the love we should have for one another.

I just don't know sometimes how we can claim to love one another.

when we hate 

when we discriminate 

when we ostracize

and point out flaws in a critical way.

never uplifting to one another.

what happened to that brotherly love, my brother?

it got lost in the shuffle.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

these days

I've been feeling a little down.
I want all the things I haven't had in such a long time.
I wanna be held.
I want to cuddle with someone.
I want to be loved.
I want to not be lonely.
these things would be nice.
I guess overall I'm happy.
but 2 years single is quite enough.
fuck lonliness being the human condition.
I hate that stupid quote.
no one can, should, or want to be lonely [all the time].
I'm not desperate.
I just would like a change in my romantic life.
I'm a loaner but sometimes it's just unbearable.
after all I'm human too. . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

loving annabelle

what an awesome movie.
yet another reason to love instantly streaming on netflix.
they have some great finds.
this moving is so touchy with an unexpected ending.
just when I thought I knew.
I loved it.
as sad as the movie is.
and it also reintroduced me to sara bareilles' "gravity", an absolutely amazing song.
gosh. <3
anyways, watch it. I love it.
ames (my good friend) loves it.
and I'm sure you'll love it.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Alive & in America

so living in america gives me an advantage. . .supposedly.
but did you know there are some parts of the united states that have conditions comparable to living in a third world country?
did you know that there is a LARGE disparity between the impoverished and wealthy AND that that gap is growing more everyday?
did you know that the chances of an impoverished citizen climbing the s.e.s. ladder these days are significantly less than it was about 20 years ago?
but. we live in america and that gives us an advantage . . .I guess.
did you know that there are more homeless children in america than adults?
did you know that more funding goes to prisons than schools?
did you know that cases of reported domestic abuse is just as high as ever before?
-sigh- we live in america though. we have an advantage. . . I think.
hey but did you know that more people here die of preventable disease than any other developed country?
did you know that healthcare here focuses on treatment than prevention?
did you know mothers don't get adequate healthcare benefits?
did you know that even children can't get public service sometimes?
but I can't complain though, we live in america. . .maybe.
people here still fight for basic rights
for rights against discrimination because of their sexual orientation.
we still have policies in effect to prevent racial discrimination.
sexism.
and any other -ism you can think of.
but we're lucky to be living in america. right?
I know my trials may not be as large as those in other countries.
but don't tell me I have it easy in america.
'cause you just don't know the trials and tribulations of some here.
it ain't easy bein' american.
it ain't easy . . .

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

today was a good day

so this weekend is unity conference, may as well be the gay people's conference. haha. anyways I'm really looking forward to it and having a good time. hopefully I'll meet quite a few new people.

today was a good day, made a few new friends who I think are pretty cool.

I thought about becoming a stoner 'cause I already have the life philosophy. me and ames that is. haha. wouldn't that be some shit?

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.

Been A Long Time Coming

this blog has indeed been a long time coming. but in light of just-a-joe's coming out process I felt like I should put myself out there too, I have a lot less to lose.

so yes I am a lesbian. I am a triple minority: black, female, and gay.
a year ago though I was so far in the closest it was like narnia, you fell into another fucking universe but a few months into college I just decided that I couldn't be in the closet anymore, at least with my friends.
I'm risking a  lot by posting this on such a public space as my parents do not know yet but whatevs.
it is what it is and I wanted to put it out there so you know the writer of this blog and maybe understand my plights a little more.

this photo quite accurately describes me

&& I'm out (both ways. haha)
-- lexy.

Just-a-Joe

the most saddening thing I have read lately is the blog of anonymous soldier, just-a-joe. he recently came out to his comrades during a political conversation in which he felt that he could no longer conceal his identity. just-a-joe was told he wouldn't be singled out by his commander but he was lied to. shortly following his coming out an investigation was launched and he will most likely be discharged when he returns to the states after his tour (in iraq presumably) is over.  [read the full story here]

I think one of the saddest things we do in this country is tell our soldiers that you can serve but you must keep your sexual identity secret if you are not heterosexual. it is ashame that we discharge individuals, strip them of their dignity, and tell them their identity is unacceptable after they've sacrificed their bodies and lives for our country day in and day out! it is imperative that we repeal DADT and make obama/washington stop dragging their feet on this issue! write your senators and representatives, get out and picket, advocate, write blogs about it, do whatever takes to repeal DADT so our soldiers can serve freely.

&& I'm out.
-- lexy. 

All Consuming Life

welp I've apologized more times than any blogger ever should for not updating regularly so I won't do it again. I'll just say that I'm going to TRY to post more frequently and TRY to not let life consume me so much. so I'm back and here's to being back. =]

&& I'm out.
-- lexy.